What to do to stop bickering :(

[stuckrut]

Have name changed. Help me figure out my relationship, I am so stuck i dont know what to do.

I love my husband but am i in love with him? No, does it exist or is it in films i dont know..

We just have drifted apart since our first child was born, she is and its been getting worse and worse. We bicker and but heads about anything and i havent been truely happy for years.

I just dont know what to do and cant see a way forward :(

counselling?

Have you sat down with him and said you are so unhappy that you just can't carry on like this and asked him how he feels and where he thinks the two of you can go from here?

We have talked but no idea how to stop it, he is miserable too. Havent had sex for nearly two years, surely thats not right either!

Have you tried counselling though? They may be able to help you work out what you want, and give you suggestions

No we havent as we havent got a baby sitter for it but i suppose may be only way forward

How does the bickering start? Is it quite random? Are there trigger subjects? Do you feel, on any level, that you are being 'set up' to bicker.... do words get deliberately twisted in order to create antagonism? (Or do you do that to him?)

Withdrawal of affection as well as antagonism is usually a really bad sign. Is that a mutual thing or does one of you want sex and the other do the rejecting?

Neither of us instigate sex at all anymore. We still hold hands and cuddle on the sofa but with two young kids we are just shattered plus to be honest i dont see him in that way anymore even though i know he is attractive and maybe he doesnt me either...

Bickering can start at anything its like we just clash. Yest he told me something (his working hours) and i expressed how it made me feel i.e unhappy and he was annoyed at me for this saying how i am always unhappy and he is trying his best etc and try to be positive etc but i got really angry as i felt that i had a right to express that i felt upset by what he had said. He also said that i should be able to deal with things better (i.e disappointment) and i said that i am me and he is him and that i deal with things how i do....

we clash over silly things like i cut the potatoes and start to put them on the heat and he then cuts them smaller as they cook better. i feel he is taking over my stuff... My son screams so i go into his room to the cot, he says i should stop going in as hes got to learn to sleep..
Am tyring to think now, maybe should keep a diary?!

Have you tried spending some time apart, taking a break from each other? Not in the 'trial separation' way but just to have a bit of private time to breathe and relax. Do you both have jobs? Social lives/friends separately and together? Or do you rely mostly on each other for adult company and stimulation?

The few things you describe sound like a product of being in each others' pockets 24/7 and simply seeing too much of each other. The comment about his job also makes me wonder if you're stuck home with the baby too much, bored, and feeling resentful.

OP it's really difficult to get out of the rut.

In my experience, the first thing to clarify is whether you BOTH actually want to sort it out. You'll only find that out by talking to each other calmy and frankly and putting pride to one side.

If you both want to sort it, then you've got a chance. So can you answer that question?

It'll be an easy answer if either or both of you don't want to sort it out.

We spend half the week apart at the moment but yes spend too much time together, he doesnt live by friends anymore and so doesnt go out and i see people now and again, dont really have much going on so am a bit bored to be honest. I used to be such a fun person and now its housework etc. I feel like i cant even be bothered anymore but yes i want our little family to stay together

So you want to sort it out. But does he?

yes, he tries more than i do

Then you need an action plan to spruce up your social life. Operation StuckRut Boredom Buster (working title) .... Get out the local authority 'Community Events' listing or similar, bagsie a couple of evenings a week, tell DH he's babysitting and book yourself onto a pottery course, gym-class or go to a book-club. He can do the same thing and make some new friends. Anything is better than being sat home or tripping over each other and getting tetchy over the size of potatoes....

Also pick something for weekends that you do together as a couple and/or as a family. Think of it as teambuilding.

There seem to be a few things to address here but just to deal with your question - I have friends who bicker a lot. What seems to be the problems is that they both express everything that they found annoying - so if one of them loads the dishwasher 'wrongly' the other has to comment on it, then the first person feels got at and snipes back.... whereas DH and I would just let it go. OK, you have a right to express your feelings, but does it always matter? How about if it makes your DH feel bad?

It sounds like you're in a bad cycle. How about you try going one day without saying anything negative to your DH? Try not to react to what he says either, or just stay neutral. See what effect it has on him. Try and get out of the negative loop.

I feel so tired i cant even be bothered to go out at night but point taken. We always do family outings and go to lots of places already so wouldnt change that really.

I know what you mean re not mentioning it as i have thought that myself, so i will try that next week when he is home, i just see red though and blow up or get so irritated that i cant help it. I suppose its bigger things ie the potatoes its the fact that he is taking over, taking control so to speak and i want to take control we battle over things like that as we are both independant.

OK - good start then.

From experience, the difficult bit is then starting to change the negative behaviours. We're all creatures of habit - the longer the bickering has been going on, the harder it is to stop.

Defensiveness can be one of the most distructive habits in that if either or both of you are looking for or expecting the criticism, you can guarantee that you'll find it very quickly. It's just so horribly perpetuating. It really needs some honest communication, with pride put to one side. Can you both talk frankly and calmly about these things?

The good news is that good habits are similarly perpetuating

"OK - good start then" re you both wanting to sort it out

Yes, you want to see things as part of a bigger issue, but by mentioning it you're bringing it up every time. Maybe there are control issues to deal with but snapping isn't the way to do that. All snapping does is increase negativity at that moment. Reframe it: "they're only potatoes".

And saying you "can't help it" is a bit of a cop-out. How would you deal with a DC saying that? The dirty secret about getting angry and snapping is that it feels good, at least at the moment when you do it. It's self indulgent.

I'm not trying to be mean but there were two of you bickering. You can't control what he does, only yourself, so you need to do something.

Hi stuckrut. I could have written your post myself a few months ago!
Things are far from perfect with me and DH but I like to think we are making progress with the bickering. It is so destructive.

Brian is right, the only thing you can change is your reaction, not him.
I try the old fashioned approach of literally counting to 10 in my head when I feel like snapping. The urge has often gone by the time I've stopped counting! Also, is he saying to cut the potatoes smaller to annoy or take over, or is he giving his advice? I hope its the later. Sometimes it just takes one of you to step back and not react to these little things. I used to think 'why should that be me' but i chose to be the bigger person and it really has honestly made a huge difference. We bicker so much less (a major bust up free christmas 2 weeks to show for it).
Take the first step and good luck.