Feeling so low and lonely...... I really dont want to be here anymore

[Hadenoughofeverything]

Hello,

Long story short my exdp left me for OW nearly a year ago, been through the script of he wants to come back he doesnt, etc am i am ashamed to say that although i have had periods of no contact, i feel like i love him and need him in my life and i keep letting him back in.

He can be so kind and sweet and the next moment he is tellling me that i am overweight, and i wont let things go etc, then he is saying that he doesnt know what he whats.

Please Please how do i get out of this cycle, for the first time yesterday i seriously though about ending everything- i just dont want to be here anymore.... i feel like i will never get over this.

I have few friends and those who do have their own problems! No family to speak off, my ex was my world and he no longer wants me, he is seeing someone else but has seen three other women since he left, they never work out...........

Whay cant I be strong enough to move on?

So sorry for what you're going through. ((hugs))

You have answered your own question in your post - you can't move on because you can't face being without your ex and that is giving him a powerful hold over you. Powerful and poisonous to you - a man who comes and goes, makes nasty comments about your looks to destroy your confidence, screws up your chances of moving on by giving you hope that he will come back. You have to get this man right out of your life and you will find another life which is completely worth living. Don't allow this worthless person to make you feel your life is worthless.

"He can be so kind and sweet and the next moment he is tellling me that i am overweight, and i wont let things go etc, then he is saying that he doesnt know what he whats."

You have to drop all contact. No phone-calls, texts, e-mails, going for drinks or whatever it is you do when he's between women.... The reason you are so messed up and can't move on is because he's not letting you. He's content to drip his poisonous rubbish into your ears, tormenting you one minute and giving you false hopes the next. Even when he's being 'kind and sweet' it's just a different flavour of poison. A man like that shouldn't be your world... he should be consigned to the rubbish heap along with the rest of the garbage.

If you're really down - and it's easy to see why- then please talk to your GP as you may be experiencing clinical depression and in need of therapy or medication to help you through. The Samaritans are also there if your suicidal thoughts become overwhelming. Your friends may be busy & have their own problems but good friends will ALWAYS want to see you if you're in trouble. So call them.

In the meantime, what could you do to make you feel better about yourself? How could you improve your social life and make new friends? What plans can you put together for the weekend, next week, next month? You have to consciously fill your days with something constructive if you're to get him out of your head.

Thank you so much Soul , Im sorry, i know im being weak, but that is how i feel :(

He says to me 'never say never' and that he still loves me, but doesnt know what he wants, keeping me dangling while he is seeing other women, im seeing noone, i feel like i cant move on IYKWIM.

The xmas period has hit me hard........ we spent 12 of them together :(

Would you really want him back? With everything that actually entails?
Think very deeply about what you are wishing for here.......because the reality of what you'd get is probably very different.

"He says to me 'never say never' and that he still loves me, but doesnt know what he wants, keeping me dangling while he is seeing other women"

He is CRUEL. 'I don't know if I want you or not' is the nastiest, cruellest way you can treat someone. This is a person who wants you to be crushed so that they can click their fingers and make you come running. He doesn't want love, he wants a little slave... a dog that he can control with a whistle.

You are going to have to do something consciously drastic to get this man out of your hair. Might mean travelling, moving location, taking a different job. Something really radical has to change that puts actual geographical distance between you and provides something mentally challenging that you can get stuck into until he is out of your system.

12 years is a long time and xmas can really rub salt in the wound because it's supposed to be such a happy, family time. I also think January is the gloomiest month so you've had a lot to cope with.

Everything thing you feel is understandable so you don't have to be hard on yourself about it but you do need to take start taking steps to ensure you get out of this situation and won't have to feel so low anymore - as I said before that means cutting him out of your life. Do you have children together or other joint responsibilities?

You need to cut him off. My x did this for over a year, I was very unwell with it, I had no idea what to do from week to week, I made myself unwell so cut him off in every ways possible. It gets better, in time!

If you're feeling this low, please talk to the Samaritans.

You do need to get him out of your life, he is treating you horribly.

Thank you all so much :)

I have had periods when i havent seen him at all, and it did give me a sense of peace, but he knows all the right buttons to push and wants to keep me on side in case things dont work out with these other women.

I have a good job earning great money, he also sponged of me for years- for fucks sake my self esteem is so low at the moment i am clutching at straws to keep him while he treats me like this. :( i literally ache for him i want to be close to him- sorry.

So you're going to drop contact again... but for good this time, yes? You're not weak. You're clearly an intelligent, successful, strong woman but you have an Achilles Heel - same as the rest of us - which is that you want someone to love you. I wonder if you'd describe yourself as a perfectionist, driven or competitive? I ask because that type of person often struggles with failure and will keep trying way past the point when they should probably give up. When you've invested a lot of time and emotion (and money!) in something and it's a serious kick in the teeth to accept that it was mostly a waste of effort.

Aside from dropping contact what could you do starting now that might convert some of this negative energy you're feeling into something more constructive?

Cogito, ill try! I have been doing so well- but it has been really diffcult for me to let go.

No kids, we are not even married- ironically it was i who didnt want to tie thw knot!

I think im ok and then i let him back in again, while he tells me about his latest shag who is so lovely and nice.

Then he says i ' have to let things go' then maybe we could try again and i dont know 'when to stop' when i ask him why he treats me like this.

He called me yesterday and asked how i was, i wasnt very good so i told him and got quite upset, he preceeded to tell me that he was busy, he needed to walk the dog and cook his dinner and he didnt want any 'stress' after 12 years and saying he wants us to be friends? What a friend he is!

He's not a friend, that's the point. He wasn't interested in how you were so why did he call in the first place? Answer.... to keep giving you false hopes. Really you have to block his calls, delete his number, do whatever you need to do to get this man out of the picture.

I think you end it, then you should change your phone number and email, block him on FB etc, and if he contacts you in any way, just tell him you don't want to talk, to leave you alone and walk away.

Don't engage with him anymore, don't try to be friends, cut all contact.

He can't get back in with you unless you open the door to him, literally & figuratively.

Well your last paragraph sums him up, it's all him or nothing, let me guess he's called you "needy" or "too demanding" in the past. It's not the easiest time to change jobs so for now I'll assume you are stuck geographically. Are you able to get out socially, fill your time when not working with some sort of activity or exercise, keep busy and not give him head space?

Voluntary work sounds a strange thing when you feel you've given so much and feel tired but it can really help you by helping others, humans or animals.

It's useful to post here when it's late or very early, there's always someone around these boards. Someone ^^ suggested The Samaritans, it can really be a comfort to spill your heart out to a stranger, we all worry about exhausting our friends' sympathy when it's a long running problem.

Don't be with him just because you're lonely, that's like eating bad cake because you're thirsty for clean water

What a great way of putting it, Hesterton.

Hadenough you have given him enough chances, sorry but he will keep disappointing you.

Hi no advice that hasn't already been said just wanted to give you a "hug" have you tried a mumsnet meet up to meet more people? Whereabouts in the country are you? Hope 2013 can be a new start for you xx

So despite everything there are some important positives here:

it's good that you are not tied to him in an material way, in that case there is no need for you to have any contact with him and you can do as people have suggested - block his calls, get rid of any of his stuff you still have, do everything to remove his presence from your life and break that emotional hold.

It's good that you have a very clear picture of the problem - you know he's no good to you (or anyone else by the sounds of it) and that, even tho your self-esteem is battered you have a good job and an independent life, you are most certainly not 'weak'.

It's also very good news that you have managed to have those peaceful periods without him in the past - focus on that and it will help you to stay strong and move forward to a new life.