Things are pretty much at rock bottom - at least I think they are. I just need some input on whats normal and whats just untenable.... Have lost perspective about this. I'll try to be objective and give the good and the bad so it may be long.
DH and I got together 10 yrs ago, my relationships up to that point were all pretty crap and odd in some way. I seemed attracted to people who used me or didn't treat me well. DH seemd different, he was generous with his time, affection and with gifts that showed he cared. He travelled a lot with his work (2 or 3 weeks out of every month) often to far flung places so I either visited him where he was (and had a great time) or we were at home and the novelty of being together was great. Looking back I brushed aside some of the more controlling / sulky aspects of his personality as the rest was great. We moved in together quickly and had our first son 2 years after being together.
Roll in another 8 yrs and another 2 children. His work has been really up and down (mainly down) and this has affected his outlook on life. My work however has been great and I have a good well paid job I enjoy. Although i'm part time DH probably spends more time with the DC these days (he's now self employed) than most dads who are working. I need to rely on him on days I'm working. Rather than drip feed, I'll just explain how things are now... it has probably been a steady decline to this point
- DH shouts not just every day but its unusual for him not to be cross with the DC about something. If they do something he doesn't agree with he goes straight to yelling, there is no talking / asking.
- He tells them off for sitting on the sofa wrong (ie. sitting on the edges), opening the cupboards / drawers in the kitchen too roughly, not listening, not sitting at the table properly, jumping around, touching the walls, splashing water out the bath, putting feet on seats in the car... basically everything. Now in isolation I'm fine with teaching kids to behave well, but its the manner in which he deals with them. He yells at them and goes on and on about looking after things in his house, if they dont look at him while he dishes out this lecture, he shouts at them "look at me, look at me when I'm talking to you" over and over again. Usually the result is tears....
- He uses sarcasm a lot in his shouting "oh well done DS, you've ruined that..." that sort of thing. He uses the kids as well in arguments between us and shouts at me in front of them despite repeated asking not to do that.
- He's also sometimes too rough with them and with me. No hitting, but roughly pushing past if he's in a strop, or picking the kids up too roughly when they are not doing what he wants.
- He has no patience at all when playing / interacting with the kids. If he plays with them and they aren't playing the way he wants, he'll go off in strop, often throwing the things he's got in his hand on the floor (i.e lego..). He gets cross with DS1 when helping with homework to the point he cant do it anymore... also the times he's taken him to football have been a disaster coming back saying "thats a waste of time, he's just crap and not interested" - in DS1's earshot... DS1 is interested and loved going but he's an anxious child and is sometimes intimidated by the boys that are better so hangs back a bit and is scared to get stuck in.
- Personality wise he gets intimidated when people say something negative to him and is denfensive and his reponse is often quite agressive - eve if told to stop doing something at a swimming pool etc... ) talks about himself a lot but rarely asks about my day / work. In social circles, hes quite loud and can be negative about other people, slagging them off.
- He moans a lot about the state of the house... in reality our house is tidy and clean but there are 5 people living here and we have 3 young boys so of course there are things lying around at times... he often calls me a messy bitch (messy cunt when he's really in a strop). Sometimes its joking (?!?), sometimes when he's cross. In social circles he has been known to use me as the butt of his jokes.
- I can't invite the DC's friends over when he is here as he hovers around them mkaing sure they dont make a mess and has been known to tell of the other kids for stuff that is normal behaviour.
The end result is he brings so much tension to the house that I relish the times he's not in. I get up with the kids every day as there would invariably be a fight / arguement. The kids dont want to spend time with him and each always wants me to do everything with them (stories, taking to school etc). we argue every day... others notice it as well, and even his mum has said how much tension and stress he brings to a room when he's there... In one of our worst arguments when I talked about seperating he talked to his mum about it and she said she was surprised I hadn't left him ages ago.
Anyway, I know this has been long but I feel we are at crunch point. There is good there as well... he can play great with the kids, he can be supportive of me, he can be kind to me and his friends... but this is not the family life I imagined. He now thinks he's depressed and is seeing a depression councellor next week. I just dont know anymore... Its all just such hard work at the moment.