secretly married for over a year....

[crazyiknow]

This sounds absolutely crazy but at the time i had my reasons.The short of it is i fell pregnant and gave up job to look after my baby so me and dp were living on one wage. Our rent was increased and we were really struggling at the time and living in a 1 bed house.

My dp is in the forces so we enquired about mod accommodation but were told we had to be married. My dp put forward a good case etc but still we were turned down. Even if we were married there would be a year waiting list. So i told dh to get a form anyway and put down a pretend date that we were getting married just to get us on the waiting list during which time we could save. We put down the following sat as our pretend wedding date.

3wks later we get letter offering us a 3 bed house saying we can move in in 2wks time once the place has been redecorated. The rent was half of what we were already paying plus it included cc and water rates. We couldnt believe it.

However this was only offered to us on the basis we were married.We had no time to plan a proper wedding and so Dp rang up the registry office and booked the first sat we could.Then I thought what are our parents gonna say whos gonna be able to attend at short notice and what am i gonna wear. Ive always wanted a nice wedding i knew my parents would be disappointed about it being in a registry office as they are religious. And that dp parents would have a strong opinion just for the sake of getting a house. So we decided to do it in secret just to get that piece of paper so we could provide comfortably for our baby plus save to marry properly within the next 6 mths. Anyway weve been married for over a year still no-oone knows ive kept my name. But im fed up with keeping it secret and not having the same name as my baby.

Weve been saving for a new car, house anything but a wedding. Weve been together nearly 6 years anyway and have been engaged for 3 years. Im just fed up with mentioning it to dh and him saying ok if its what you want but I thought it was what we both wanted. I dont even want a big wedding anymore i just want the same name as my baby and for dh to actually say ok lets make it official. And no theres no way we can tell our parents what we have done...

Here in France most people have two weddings - the registry formality one and then the big church job. Why don't you just arrange a big church job and say that you have the piece of paper and now you want a real wedding, and invite everyone...

I think that you need to tell everyone, just for your own sanity! If you can't face telling them in person, you could write them a letter, explaining what has happened and why, and suggesting that you meet for lunch or something the next weekend or whatever to discuss it - this will give them time to get used to everything. And anyway you can tell them that you would like to have a church blessing, which can be just the same in terms of a dress, guests etc as a wedding itself, so they haven't missed out on that. I hope that telling everyone will be a weight off your shoulders, and who knows, they might have already guessed (if they know anything about the military, for example) or they might take it in their stride. Good luck!

I think you can do one of 2 things -

tell your parents and arrange a lovely family party to celebrate or

don't tell your parents, have a church wedding and explain the whole situation to the vicar beforehand who will no doubt take it all to hand

I doubt anyone would be cross with you - you were doing what's best for your family and getting round a ridiculous rule

I really don't see the problem here, you haven't done anything wrong. All that remains is to have a celebration of your marriage, whether that be a religious one or a party or both. You don't have to tell your relatives the truth if you don't want to but I can't see why they would be upset, they may even help you organise your celebration.
So your dh is being a bit of an arse about the celebration but it's not like he is trying to get out of marrying you . Just arrange it and get him to show up on the day wearing something nice Good luck!!!

i don't see you've done anything wrong. I also know exactly what you mean about it being worth marrying for the benefits you get when your DH is in the forces. My DH is airforce and we definately married sooner than we would have for accomodation and other benefits we wouldn't have got if we were just living together!

I'd say have a huge party. If you want to have a blessing in church you can do so, so why not organise that. If some people are funny about it well more fool them, you and your family having a secure home is far better.

If you have a church wedding though it will have to be a blessing though as you are already married. People will notice as the words are different. I think you should come clean and have a big chruch do if that is what you would like!

crazyiknow - I really sympathise because I also didnt tell my parents when I got married til afterwards, though for different reasons.
It is a ritual of growing up and leaving the family nest, that you arrive at the stage where you can tell your parents anything, and not care about what their reaction is. So go on....! You're a grown up. Its your lives. You made a sensible decision for the best future of your children, their grandchildren. End of story.

I'd just add. I have freinds (forces family too) who married secretly 5 years ago. They never told her family (she's italian) even though they live with them - and now its gone so far they can't tell and it drives them mad.

I'd sort it out sooner rather than later, at leas tthe telling close family and beginning to make some plans.

P.S. it doesn;t have to cost the earth - ours was a great day but not expensive!

Crazyiknow - I was in a very similar situation, although dp and I had already bought a house. I'd given up work and had a new baby, and we could just about cover the mortgage. He was then given a new posting at short notice. We would never have been able to sell the house before the move, so would have been looking at paying the mortgage and private rental costs in the new location on one wage. The MOD wouldn't give us a house as we weren't married (despite having a child and a joint mortgage...). We had no choice but to do a quick registry wedding and were then given a house in the new location. I didn't tell anyone, except our 2 best friends who came as our witnesses. We eventually told our familes about 6 months later, explaining the reasons, and everyone was fine about it. My case is different to yours in that I never wanted a big church wedding anyway, but we'd always planned on having a big party at a later date, but have never got round to it (yet....)

I think you need to talk to your dh some more, as from what you've written I think the real issue is around you being recognised as his 'wife', with the married name, status and assurance, not necessarily with actually having the big do. I also think you are going to have to tell your parents, or the marriage will never be properly recognised. I thought my dad and PILs would be really really upset and disappointed, but they weren't at all. They understood our reasons, and were just pleased that we'd done it officially. It might soften the blow to arrange a church blessing at the same time, and maybe a family meal/get together, which doesn't have to be expensive or complicated.

I do hope you get it sorted out.

Well i was thinking of just getting married abroad and inviting close friends and family. I mean if we marry anywhere apart from our home town then theres no reason why anyone should know that we are already married and surely they cant do you for marrying the same person twice.Failing that we could explain the situation and change the wording ourselves and no one should notice as long as we can say the wedding vowls (cant spell it).I know with blessings you still can sign a certificate at the end and so it would be case of choosing our witnesses wisely .

The thing is im hurt that dh isnt bothered he already tells his friends in the forces im his wife as they dont know his family.Ive mentioned how i want it made official and how i really want the same name as ds and he says ok but then thats it.Weve got saving but dh says thats towards buying a house. But then we would never be able to save. I feel like im badgering him but i want him to want it as much as me.My mil only ever sees me as the mother of her gs but i want to be recognised as being more then that. I doubt dh wouldnt even be bothered if we were only engaged still in fact i know he wouldnt everything else would still be a priority except getting married.So why bloody give me a ring?

Men are a bit like that I think. He probably doesnt realise what a big deal it is to you and can probably think of lots of other things to spend the money on.

could you not get a nice dress and then do something a bit cheaper then he wont feel you are spending all the money?

Would your parents help with the cost of the wedding?

yeah ive told him my parents are going to pay for the reception years ago.My mums made a few comments about us not having the same name.Another thing is i wanted to get ds christened and so asked my mum to ask the vicar at her local church but she he wouldnt do it unless we were married . Why does it take a piece of paper to have acceptance.

You poor thing. I totally understand why you'd be feeling conflicted about this. You are his wife and in law you can choose to adopt either name yours or his.

Your MIL will probably be so happy your going to be having a wedding she'll get over it pretty fast. My advice would be involve her and make her an ally in your preparations. DH's can be crap when it comes to realsising how much these things can hurt. he probably has no concept of how your feeling. I'd ty talking it out and suggesting a date and to get it all out on on the level.

When I married DH hwe had much more important things to save up for than a wedding. We literally gave our selves 4 months to plan it (and to have a baby as DD was 10 weeks old when we got married - our wedding was also her christening!) we didn't spend much, I got my dress in the sales and it cost me £50. Our freinds all helped out different groups taking on a different responsibility. We hired a caterer who provided a small spread for our reception - then we also asked guests to bring a dish. People did and it was lovely. We asked the local pub to provide a bar which they did and we just paid the price of the barstaff's wages about £50 - when we told them it was a forces weddign they were eager as could be! We hired our village hall for the reception which was about £20 and my BIL's band played - we had to force them to take money for their time. If you allow people to be involved you'll probably find your plesantly surprised.

I remember feeling a bit sad that we were having paper plates and stuff but in the long run - no-one cared it was what we could afford and we had a wonderful day!

if it were me I would have a church blessing, obviously come clean about what happened and why and have the wedding you want - go for it!

This is really about dh, isn't it? You feel as if he's the one who is insisting on keeping you and your marriage a secret? Maybe he's one of those men who just likes an easy ride when it comes to anything they label as 'emotional' - doesn't want to have to deal with the consequences of his actions.

I actually think you have the whip hand here. The fact is you are married and legally you can start using his name now. You don't need his permission. Get hold of your marriage certificate. And then tell dh that you are fed up of waiting and that you have sent your passport off to be altered, have written to your bank and all official bodies. And do it for real.

Also tell him that you WILL be announcing this to both sets of parents next Tuesday (or whatever date suits you but in the very near future).

I think you have to shock him into realising that this situation is not on and cannot continue.

Alternatively, you could set some time aside when you won't be interrupted. Book a babysitter if necessary. And then talk to him - write down the points you want to make so you won't be distracted - and tell him clearly exactly how miserable this is making you and (most importantly) what you want to happen next - organising a visit to both sets of parents within the next fornight to break the news, for example.

I think you have to address your dh first before you start worrying about how everyone else is going to take it. My guess is that they'll be shocked but will come round quickly, if they've got any sense.