Another post from me about contact

[Wereonourway]

Firstly I'm sorry to post yet again when it's same old issues, my family are being extremely supportive but I benefit hugely by just posting on here and getting unbiased advice.
Ds is 2, ex has never prioritised him. Did very little when we were together and that's continued since split.
He has cancelled contact numerous times for social occasions and binge drinks on a Saturday. Meaning he is often hungover (at best) for his Sunday contact time of 10 til 4.
He has ds 2 overnights mid week, sometimes cancels these and does not have ds ready for me at collection time on a morning meaning I've had to go and get him ready, washed and fed before taking him to nursery and getting myself to work.
Ex's van was deemed unsafe at last mot, it's uninsured, untaxed and has no mot. He is still using it but I have said I do not want ds in it.
Ex is a bully, was hugely emotionally abusive. He intimidates me and bully's me and is often verbally abusive.
I went to solicitor yesterday who had been sent a 9 page letter from ex and his family basically stating I was vindictive, controlling and manipulative.
Ds was born prematurely, struggled to breathe and spent 2 weeks in neo natal unit and many more weeks unwell, the letter even states I was far too emotional and over protective of him and that this has carried on.
He does say in letter he has been verbally abusive in past but only under extreme provocation from me.
My solicitor doesn't seem concerned by the bullying or the fact that he has often cancelled contact. The verbal abuse takes place following cancelled contact by him. He will then contact ne saying I prevent him access etc.
My solicitor has suggested mediation saying myself and ex obviously cannot communicate. I tried to get across that it was impossible to reason with or communicate properly with such a bullying person.
She said if he seems drunk or smells of alcohol on a Sunday to stop access and drive away with ds. How can I do this with someone I'm scared of and intimidates by?
For the record I have never cut down contact, I've bowed down to ex's demands through fear of abuse an have bent over backwards, being very very flexible.
At the minute I don't know when this will all end.
Solicitor sent letter stipulating times which I know ex will disagree with, he has also had a dig about me taking my ds swimming on a Friday. I'm garunteed to be off every Friday, ex is self employed so he isn't but feels if he is off he should have him.
Yesterday was a very low point for me, I can't see a way out or a peaceful outcome. The guilt I feel for ds being stuck in the middle is huge and I don't know how much more I can personally take.
Do I agree to mediation? The letter ex sent made no mention of missed contacts or binge drinking obviously but surely these effect contact even if my solicitor isn't concerned with how he treats me??

My initial counsel to you still stands:-

I would be extremely wary about using any form of mediation at all considering his history of abusive behaviour towards you.

To use mediation is to subscribe to the mistaken idea that abuse is related to "misunderstandings" or lack of communication. If discussion and compromise, the mainstay of mediation, could help in any way most domestic violence situations would be long ago resolved because victims of abuse "discuss and compromise" constantly. Mediation assumes both parties will cooperate to make agreements work; the victim has always 'cooperated' with the abuser; the abuser never cooperates.

Mediation can be and is ordered by judges/courts, as can counselling and mental health evaluations. They are tools in the abuser's arsenal to be used against the victim as often as he chooses. In order for mediation to work and to not make situations worse the parties involved must have equal power and must share some common vision of resolution. This is clearly not present when domestic violence has taken place in a relationship.

Mediation practitioners must be alert to the need to interview partners separately with specially designed questions in order to determine if abuse is or has been present. Many domestic violence professionals can train others to screen safely for domestic violence. To not do so risks unsuccessful mediations, at best, and increasing the victim's danger by colluding with the abuser, at worst.

A person who has been terrorized by an abuser is not free to participate in a mediation process with him, even if the mediator(s) assume or believe that they "understand". Being truthful about any of her needs or experiences in the abuser's presence or proximity practically ensures that she is in more danger later.

The mediator is left with a no win: either the victim's danger is increased, or she is not fully or truthfully participating, or both. The well meaning mediator may actually encourage the victim to feel safe enough to share information that could seriously compromise her safety. In any case the whole intent of mediation is lost.

To engage an abuser and a victim in a process that implies equal responsibility is damaging to both. The victim is once again made to feel responsible for the abuser's behavior, and the abuser is allowed to continue to not accept full responsibility for his behaviour choices.

I would also now look for another solicitor; your current one is not being helpful or useful to you here.

Thank you Attila, I remembered your advice but I think my solicitor will see it as mentioned above, lack of communication/assumptions and too much anger in the way. I worry that if my solicitor refers us ill be hard pushed to refuse on the grounds of him being a bully. She just did not seem concerned and whilst I appreciate she is trying to help us move forward his behaviour is not right and I highly doubt it will change.
I've tried to set times so we absolutely do not need to communicate but ex wants flexibility due to him being self employed. Whilst solicitor agrees there must be no flexibility she doesn't seem to understand how much of a bully he is.
I know part of this is me. Shutting down and ignoring. That's fine but his digs and nastiness can be very subtle. He is at work this morning but has said I must pick ds up at his grans at 11am. Not from him at 9am when he leaves for work. I know he is doing this to exert power and control and yet I'm helpless.
This is much harder to deal with than anything he put me through when we were together. When I left he said "I'm gonna make your life hell" and he is doing a bloody good job

Attila you may have written that here before, but I havent seen it. Very well said.
I think it is excellent advice. You have written very clearly my own misgivings about the role of mediation in dealing with an abusive or power seeking ex.

OP I have been where you are and with a lot of work on myself, realised that sometimes I need to be as assertive with my solicitor as with ex. She is a professional in the area working for you. While she may understand that mediation is the optimal way forward in many cases, she may not understand what Attila has laid out so clearly above.

If she is unable to change how she deals with your particular case, then another solicitor may be better for you.

I know part of this is me. Shutting down and ignoring
I understand. It is extremely difficult to continuously try to communicate with someone who wants to pretend they dont understand you.
It eventually wears you down so you stop trying.
Thats why you need to be very clear with your solicitor as to what you want.

Stop trying to be flexible, for anyone. Decide what suits you and stick to it.

You need a different solicitor.

My solicitor was recommended to me by a colleague who's ex husband behaved in the exact same way as my ex does. I got upset during my appointment as she read statements from letter(which I hadn't read), stupidly I interrupted to defend myself.
For example letter said "your client withheld contact for 2 weeks prior to Xmas, thus going against the agreement we had in place". Those 2 weeks consisted of him cancelling one overnight, him cancelling one Sunday and cutting short another cos he didn't get out of bed til 12 noon and me ASKING to stop overnights for one week due to me having to go to exes to get ds ready cos he simply refused. "I couldn't give a fuck if you are late for work". Ex happily agreed at the time btw, bale cause he is lazy.
His family know the abuse he has put me through, they have been on the receiving end of his drunken states and abuse and the idea that they have painted me as being precious and controlling hurts however I know this doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.
Solicitor said she was firm and will give me the truth as that's her job.
At the minute ex is still having the contact he wants, I've tried to impose terms and conditions which I know he will fight just to spite me.
It hurts that ds has never been his priority. I asked him many times to help with night feeds/ nursery drop offs/ doc visits etc and was called a lazy cunt.
I can see through him, can read him like a book, can recognise the abuse and when it will start but stupidly have never reported him to police.
It feels like cos I've been scared and simply had enough stress that I've let it continue and the ship has sailed iykwim?
At Xmas ex's mum had to clean his house, put bedding on bed, get food and nappies in for ds and his family will be ensuring this happens. Solicitor said I cannot have a say about what goes on at exes or who gets anything/ whether he is bathed etc. I can only stop access if ds safety is compromised.
No one seems to understand that if ex had been a dad when we were together and in the half yr we have been split I wouldn't have issues