he's gone, its over, now what... (need a hand to hold pls)

[glitternanny]

after nearly 4 years he's left, it over - I don't blame him - he (and I) blame me - to be honest we've had problems a while and our relationship wasn't great but we have a beautiful perfect one year old boy to show for the love that we did have (which is breaking my heart)

Its all still very raw even tho its not a surprise - I guess I'm a bit relieved to be honest - its nothing new- we just stopped making an effort with each ther and we weren't making each other happy.

Now I wanna get my head around the practicailites of it all - financial etc.

I own the house, its all in my name its mine- he's never paid a penny in rent/mortgage and normally only his smaller share of the bills.

In terms of support it looks like I should expect £180pm from him - what is this meant to cover.

Plus his share of my loan to cover payments for his car/holiday debts etc - I know he might not pay this, and other dd that I got contracts for for him - laptop finance, mobile, internet dongle

Do I need to get finances agreed on paper - how? with who? are they legally binding? He has no respect for the debts he's accrued in 'they can't take what I don't have' I'm a little paranoid it'll be the same with me once we are apart... but its the mother of his baby and his baby's home life he's messing with not some big corporation. he's had no respect for our household finances which was one of the major issues.

Also in terms of contact, he works shifts so after 7 days at work he gets 3/4 days off - so those days would be daddy days and I'd take our LO to his Mum's - the other days LO comes to work with me and unless he pops in to see LO before he goes to work when he's on nights he wont see him.

I've contacted the council to change to single occupancy.

I need to speak to my solicitors about changing my will, we had a mirrored will done in 2011 before our boy was born

get my keys and my spare key and my car key back off him/his mum

God its all such a mess and I feel like such a fuck up and failure and so guilty :((

practical stuff will help me have some sense of control and right now as much as I wanna be bagging all his stuff up i want him to have to do it (when I'm not here)

You had better assume that he wont pay his debts, from what you have posted I bet he wont.

Does he have an employer? If so the CSA can take his child support payments direct from his wages, but this takes time. Can you cancel his mobile and internet contracts?

Oh and make it clear that unless he pays up for his laptop finance and the car loan then you will be taking him to court to get them seized off him so you can sell them to clear the debt. Small claims court is your friend there.

Check with your solicitors regarding finances etc. You don't say whether you were married or not, but if your income is higher than his then he may well try to make some form of claim. Doubt he would get anywhere, but it doesn't hurt to be primed for that just in case he does try.

You say at the start that both you and he blame YOU for the break up, then go on to say that neither of you were really making an effort. So why should it be all YOUR fault?

You both blame you for the break up and yet he has been living rent and mortgage free in your home, you took out loan to pay for HIS car and HIS share of holidays, and sorry, but whose phone and additional contracts are you paying for? His dd's? Or have I misunderstood that?

He sounds like an exploitative user to me - sorry you are hurting, but it won't be long before you see you were well rid.

Thank you - I think that's what i'm going to assume, he wont pay what he owes me - in which case I'll be taking his car and selling it I guess.

yes he is employed.

no we weren't married.

My income is about £400pm higher (take home) than him

What do I do - email him my suggestion give him a few days to reply - and take it from there? I'm expected AN income from him next Thursday (his payday) or basically my loan payment will bounce :(

He does blame me - it feels like its me that's wrecked everything - thanks for reading I need to try and get some sleep sigh

Notonthebeach - I took out the contracts for his loan/internet and laptop - cos he asked well into our relationship and I said yes. ditto the car - I didn't see what other option I had - after having a baby I needed a bigger car for work and had to make the finaces work somehow and didnt want more finance for me so juggled.
the holiday that went on the credit card (then loan) should've been paid for out of an employment tribunal he won, but we booked befre the money came through (on a promise from his solicitor) and the company went into liquidation and he only ended up with £2k instead of £16k which he flittered away on cr*p imho.

From what you've said I think you're right, he will try not to pay ANYTHING to you at all and certainly not his share of any loan payments or any maintenance for your DS. That's why you need to get legal advice asap ideally tomorrow, cancel any DDs you can that are in his name, & try to get physical possession of anything you have paid for. Dig out all the paperwork you can about the loans, who paid for things like the car etc & take them with you.

NotOnTheBeach DD in this case means direct debit, not dear daughter.

Clueless to what you do but whilst the others are amazing and practical I will hold your hand, smooth your hair and cuddle your darling boy whilst you take on board what the wise people say.

OK look here for practical information, advice and links - whether you are married or cohabiting.

So sad to hear what you're going through.

Not sure why you are to blame when it sounds like he has been taking you for every penny he can...

Assume he will pay nothing. I would hold onto his laptop and anything else you can if you've been paying for them. Cancel what contracts you can that are his and sell anything he has left behind to put towards his debts.

I would suggest changing locks rather than asking for keys to be returned. That way you know you won't come home to find him packing his / your things. It will get easier and don't be so hard on yourself.

Thanks all I can't cancel contracts yet as they're still in the minimum. However I could cancel the phone/Internet if he stops paying.

I'd like to keep it amicable if possible.

He's already taken his laptop and he's driving the car.

Sorry have forgotten what else was said. Going to ring cab now.

i never got a chance to call CAB but am looking at the link now thank you