DS (4.5) doesn't like going to his dad's and has said he doesn't want to go there anymore

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Sorry, this is a bit of a long rant. Posted this in Lone Parents as well but it doesn't get much traffic so I thought I would stick it here as well.

I was at XPs with DS today for a few hours (normally I just drop him off) and I was horrified. The house was freezing, ex has central heating but has never used it since it was put in a few years ago. He just has a tiny gas fire in the living room and uses that, but we were trying to play in DS's room and I looked at the temp and it was 11.5C inside. My hands were numb. Eventually ex grumpily put the heating on when I asked many times but I know full well when I am not there it will never be switched on again.

Ex is also a hoarder and the whole house and back garden is filled to overflowing with tools, things he finds in skips and random stuff so you can no longer get to the trampoline or swing, which are both overrun with weeds and creepers etc anyway. He will only feed DS what DS wants to eat so he eats no fruit or veg on the days he is there from 11am to 6pm. DS refuses to stay overnight there, has tried it but never slept and came home irritable and cross.

I have struggled with this issue for the whole of DS's life since he was born and today I feel like I am just fed up with it. Ex was emotionally and financially abusive, he is almost pathologically miserly and tight with money, and I think he is probably a bit aspergers. When DS is there ex is constantly trying to get on with various DIY projects or hobbies and he never plays with DS, it's like he doesn't now HOW to do imaginative play or really interact with him properly.

Now today DS has said (not for the first time either) that he doesn't like going to Daddy's and he doesn't want to go there anymore. Normally I would laugh this off, he is only a kid and you can't take a 4 year old at face value and re-arrange contact just because they have a strop, right? But I can see how miserable he is and I am sick of tiptoeing around ex trying to do things by the book with 50/50 contact when he is just a crap parent. DS is a bit scared of him as ex talks loudly and patronisingly to him and I would happily never take DS there again, I know he would be happier. I just would feel so guilty as I know ex loves DS even though he's not a good parent.

I don't know what to do but am contemplating not letting DS go there alone and cutting right down, perhaps to a few hours once a week accompanied by me so he can still see his Dad. Am I evil? So conflicted over this but I am reaching the end of my tether with seeing DS unhappy. :(

bump.

Look, ignore this dickhead of a man. He's irrelevant. He's not going to lift a finger to improve his relationship with DS so stop distressing yourself and DS by paying him any attention at all. There's clearly no court order in place, and the fact that you took pictures of a filthy unsafe house will count in your favour if the arsehole does get his act together to go whining to a lawyer - but he won't.

By all means take your DS to see his grandmother if she's nice and they have a good relationship; just make sure she isn't going to drag the kid round to his father's and leave him there.

I've not been in this position, but this is what I would be inclined to do:

Email/text but NOT call ex about future opportunities to see DS at his mums
Don't call for ex on way there, go straight to ex mums and then see if ex comes round
Make visits to ex mums to minimum to cause little pain to DS, maybe 1 or 2 visits per month
If he doesn't visit when he knows he could the next few times, stop contact all together

This means you have a record of offering access to ex but minimises his opportunity to get verbally angry with you etc.

It might be silly, in which case I'm sure someone will ave a better plan, but its where I'd perhaps start.

Thanks SGB I was hoping you'd stop by.

Don't worry, I will be taking him to see his grandmother every 7-10 days and just for a few hours, while I stay with him.

Why are you so sure he won't get a lawyer? I would, if I were him. I am bricking it tbh, even though if it comes to it I will fight my corner and I have started keeping a written log of things over the past few weeks, for my own peace of mind. I am still nervous that he will get nasty, I know it is stupid and he is just squatting in my head but it's really hard to shake the unease at what he will do. Which I'm sure is what he wants.

"Mutual friends who know what he is like still think he is 'a good bloke deep down who obviously loves his son and deserves to see him'"

"I am a bit scared of him because he was angry and controlling/emotionally abusive when we were together."

These two statements of yours tell me that you need to either ignore/drop these mutual friends, or fill them in on what he is really like to those supposedly closest to him. Because once he is behind closed doors, he is not a good bloke deep down. Either pull the wool from their eyes, or drop them - keeping their company is only going to make you doubt yourself and your reactions.

Have you told his mum why you won't take him to her sons place? What does she think about it? Might she be able to get across to him what needs to change?

He won't do anything because he is fundamentally lazy and selfish. He won't want to make the effort or spend the money. Even if he got as far as talking to a solicitor, he's not going to tidy up his house.

If he was really motivated, given the state of the house and his behaviour, you could insist on supervised contact elsewhere, which would probably mean him getting bored and giving up. For the moment, don't respond to any phone calls, texts or emails, just ignore him.

His reaction anger is His problem . Keep taking ds to see grandma and let grandma know you happy for ex to pop round.if you think this is safe.

Go see gp and record ds distress and everything just so it is recorded. Ask about play therapy and family therapy services for ds so that if he does continue to be distressed you can get him / you some support. And so it is recorded. Have you photos and evidenc ef his house ?

Talk gently about dad.s house and see if ds will open up a bit about why he scareD ? perhaps not by asking hm directly but use teddies dolls etc.
If he gets nasty well you protect yourself and ds eg close doors don't nvite him to your house don't answer the phone. And call police if you need to. Think of various scenarios and what you should do. Then you prepared.m