DD's Communion Dress

[CommunionConfusion]

Have namechanged as the details are very specific but want advice please.

STBXH and I split 3 years ago. He walked. Told kids it was a row. Not true.

After counselling, I realised that he's an EA man. I had nonexistent low self-esteem.
Financial details, housing, etc are still not resolved. He clings to any vestige of control that he can. He is careful to never abuse me either by email, text or in front of a witness. Continues to gaslight, twist my words, treat my pronouncements as if they are evidence to the High Court and he is cross examining me.

I no longer react to him, never lose my temper, never get upset, insist that anything of merit is discussed by email. I feel he is realising that the only way he can get to me now is through our 3 DC.

DD has her First Communion in May.
He texted me today to ask ' Who is getting DD's Communion Dress? If I get asked to look at them with her, what should I do?'.
I dont discuss this stuff other than by email so I ignored. Follow up text to say ''If I dont hear from you, I presume I will get it with her this weekend''.

I am gobsmacked that he would remotely consider that it is his role to do this. But then I realise that, shortly after he left, I felt compelled to tell him that he must not bring her for her first bra fitting etc. He has no sense of boundaries and has skirted the edge of child-protection issues, esp WRT porn; with SW telling me that as I am a competent parent they will not get involved.

He wants me to challenge this with him. This is my only DD and I asked him to bring DS1 and DS2 to get their communion outfits as I felt it was a father-son bonding thing.

Its the kind of stuff that should not even have to be discussed. Yet I know that he will have suggested doing it to DD and she will have been delighted to spend extra time with Dad and said yes.

If I say no, I will be in her bad books, have a row with him. But I want to have this time with her.

Can you help me compose an email that makes it clear to a 6yo him.

How about "No. I am getting the dress." Should be clear enough to anyone.

I'm missing the issue - if he got the ds' s outfits I can see why he thinks he would be getting dds.

Other issues aside.

I would ignore it, let him buy a dress if that's what he wants but tell DD that you and she will be getting the 'real' dress. She gets two dresses... you stay in control... win-win.

annie I would love to think that would be sufficient. Unfortunately experience has taught me not. I will be cross-examined as to why, why shouldn't he, she wants him to etc etc

izzy yes I can see your point.
I suppose, I have always been very careful to ensure that the children continue their relationship with their dad. I ensure that father-son stuff (e.g. doing the dad's race at sports day etc) is maintained. That is I ensure it by reminding ex about it, sending him the school info, on occasion pleading with him as the children have expected him to show. He uses it as a control thing...if the kids are upset, its my fault as I didnt remind him.
I am now coming to a point of saying no, it's not my job to sustain his relationships with them.
AIBU to think that getting my only DD's First Communion Dress is my role?

There are bigger fights to have. This idea that buying an outfit is bonding has come from you - from his side, it may be that he's done for 2 and expects to do the next.
He sounds like a total prick, but this one is pretty ambiguous.
If you want to do it that much, mail him "thanks for offer to get it, as you did the boys I'd rather do this one myself".
Or leave it.
Because honestly, it's not that bonding, buying a dress. Your daughter will be bonded with you through your daily love, not a one off dress.

cogito yes, I have thought about letting him go ahead, then returning it, and using the shop credit to pay for what I choose with her.

cabrinha yes you're absolutely right. He is a total prick There are bigger fights, which I need to gird my loins and have with him.
But it is important to me. I spoke about it when she was little. Thats probably why he is picking this (he didnt offer to do the DS's, I asked, he was happy on the day to announce to all and sundry what he had paid for ).
I want to cry at your last sentence

What is most important about First Communion? It's not the frilly dress. I do think it's OTT to expect it to be your role. I don't doubt that he is deliberately being an arse over it, I do have sympathy - but you either need to put your foot down, or let it go.
I guess your daughter is 7? Tell her you want to choose the dress with her, like her dad did for her brothers. Tell HER you see it as a bonding thing.
Suggest to her (if she wants the time with him) and to him that he buys her a necklace.
Actually - go for the necklace yourself. I can't remember what happened to my confirmation outfit, but I still have the ring I bought to wear that day.
Let him do the dress - create your own special day.
But as I said above - it's not about frilly dresses and jewellery.

Just send the same answer back then. Don't get into an argument as to why. "No. I am getting the dress." Repeat. Repeat.

Or do what Cogito says and get a free dress out of it

Oh love, I really feel for you. In years to come, you'll remember so much more about her First Communion than the dress!

I really think you can't get into buying two dresses, or returning his. I don't this to sound mean - but that's all about you, and unfair on her.

On this occasion, I'd come up with something else entirely. Be effusive about how lovely the dress is. Then have a fab day with her acessorising! A little chain, a ring... A social afternoon tea somewhere when you go... We girls know, it's ALL in the acessorising!

Sod your prick of an ex. Buying a dress, even though you had looked forward to this, has NO impact on how much your daughter loves you, and how proud you'll be of her when she makes that First Communion!

cabrinha...Yes, you're right of course. It's not the dress and there are other ways of making it me-and-her time.
For the others, I did everything, the preparation with school, the bouncy castle at home, the thank you cards for the gifts received, the invites to family (both sides), the catering for the family and friends who travelled to it.
Yet, on the day, STBXH and his family took over. I walked out of the church to drive to my home alone, as DC wanted to drive with Dad.
Dad, and his parents, sat while I prepped and served food.

I just wanted this piece for myself.

Could you share the purchase? Agree something all together online? This website does stunning ones:
www.trumpetsandtiaras.com/

Thank you guys. I am actually crying now. I knew you would be able to put it into perspective. You are all right of course.
TBH I think I am letting it become a power play with him. And it can only be that, if I try to wrest it from him. If he feels that strongly about it, let him off.

I will keep repeating that til I really mean it .

How about "sorry I didn't reply earlier - I have already got her a dress. Thank you for offering." then order something online, which will be wrong and you have to return and then go shopping again with her at a later date...

OP what do you mean when you said he has skirted the edge of child protection issues and why and when were SS involved with your family?

bamboo thank you. That looks lovely, truely.
DD has Bet Lynch taste and I think would go for something like these!

dontmindifido....yes, thats an option. In this town, however, the job is done around this time and shops simply wont have them by March. Plus, her schoolfriends will have them, and she has enough going on without making her different in that way IYKWM

dione I am not going to get into that here. Suffice to say, that I had concerns and have addressed them.

ooh, orde from that website bamboo suggested tonight, then you can say "already ordered online" and you're not lying! (if it's all wrong you can always get her a different one at a later date, she will then be telling her dad the truth that you ordered a dress, she tried it on and it didn't fit/she didn't like it and so you bought a different one)

No no I think wanting to get your dds communion dress is understandable - its just you havent told him yet you want to? But I may be missing something.

izzy no. TBF I havent discussed it with him. Discussion being difficult with the equivalent of a belligerent barrister if all you want to talk about is who will buy tickets for a school play. Peace talks Chit chat tends to be saved for serious stuff like him bringing DS1 to a birthday party during his weekend access.

I will try though.

He was asking who was getting it and you didn't reply, now your not happy. You had the opportunity to tell him sooner.