please tell me what to do..

[shadesofwhite]

its a recurrence of mil poking her nose in our marriage since day 1. Before Xmas she bought DH 5 underwears . Well, I kept calm and spoke to DH about it and told hhim to tell her it WRONG according to me! Did I overreact?? Then as usual she's been calling him nonstop everysingle day. She demanded DH spend new years eve(yes! Just before 2013) with her simply coz she is againg, how on earth is 60old and she works full time? Huh?! Anyway, that's her usual excuse that she is aging and DH has to abandon hi family duties to attend to her. I was so furious but still kept calm. DH drinks and spends an awful lot of time in the pub. So we agreed this year he'll stop and help me to raise our DD. Just yeaterday, he went out on my birthday and left me struggling with the baby on my own. Mark you, she doesn't sleep till 1am and if she does she wake up 6times and I attend to her all alone.So, when DH was out I told him I'm super stressed out and I need him to come home help me or go over to his mum's house(she lives 5mins away). I felt I couldn't let him in coz he's been hurting me and doesn't seem to care much about how I feel. So I locked him out and he went to his mum's. Boy! The mother drove him back this morning while I and DD were still in bed and I let them in. Mil strarted shouting at me for making his Son "homeless" ! I tried to explain what happened and she kept on shouting and demanding I go to mental hospital(just because I'm on anti-d's). Well, I couldn't take it antmore and I told Her off for all the things she has been doing to affect our marriage including buyng him underwears and constantly calling him and coming over un-invited. She said this is her son's house and she'll come and go when she likes plus buy him more anderwears if she wants. You can imagine how mad this was making me. The even insisted that since she is on leave, she is moving in for two weeks to look after here son. Wow! This sound like we are fighting over him now! And dh was in the othet room with DD (well done him coz I didn't want DD to see this madness.

So right now dh left with his mum and he isn't picking up my calls. Plus he took my keys so I can't leave the house. What do I do? I wnat to work my marriage out but how do I do it with thi toxic mil in the middle of us? Thanks for reading this far, hope it all makes sense coz I'm typing with anger and my hands are shaking and worried.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You will rarely get a man to accept that his mother is evil. Would you like your kids to think you were evil? If she is interfering - and she certainly sounds like she is - then it is for you and DH as a team have to work out a way in which she can be managed together. He lived with her right up to the point you got married, you did not live together so you had no 'dry run' either on the subject of the relationship he had with his mother OR....very, very important....to let you see what kind of man he really was on a 24/7 basis, not just when he was on best behaviour being boyfriend and girlfriend a few nights a week.

Not saying to give up on your marriage but, if you're going to make this work, you both have to grow up a lot, be more committed to each other and acting for a common purpose. For example, a really obvious thing to do would be to move futher away. Far harder for someone to interfere when there are a few miles in the way. But, to achieve that, you have to work as a team, wanting the same things, working to the same goal.

[shadesofwhite]

Does she even know what size he is is? Sorry but I find the whole thing disgusting. He is in his early thirties. I expect that kind of behavior ceased when he was 17yrs old.

[Lueji]

You can call the locksmith and change the locks.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What culture could it possibly be that regards underpants so emotionally as to refer to it as 'that stuff'?

[izzyhasanewchangeling]

This sounds odd - I get dcs underpants and socks for their stockings even as adults it's a family tradition you sound a bit fixated on Thayer.

You all sound - strange.

[shadesofwhite]

thanks Cogito, Moving far is such a good idea, I have thought about what I want and I can't think of my life without my DH cause I love him. I will apologize for locking him out and after a couple of weeks I'll initiate the idea of moving so we can see mil not very often. Its gna be a tough decision coz we love the area we live in but hopfully we'll all agree to it.

[SPBInDisguise]

No sorry I struggle to respect beliefs that say a wife has a duty to take careof her husband, any more than he has to take care of her iyswim. General expectation to look after each other fine. Specific obligations such as pant buying, too controlling imo.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

And your culture is..... ?

[SPBInDisguise]

And you still haven't explained how he hurts you

[shadesofwhite]

Aint talking about the 'underwear' issue again. Ya'll think I'm deluded in regards to that issue. Moving on to more important matters.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

A man who is still single and living with his controlling mother into his thirties.... did you never think at any stage that might present a few problems?

[SPBInDisguise]

But you're the one who seems overly fixated on her buying him underwear. They're just pants.

How does he hurt you.

[Lueji]

However, you do need to act a little more cool, though.

Seriously, regardless of how much of a cultural issue it is, let her buy him underwear.
In fact, it should be his task, not yours. So, a problem between her and him.

If she asked him to come on NYE, then you'd go with your DC (who does sleep late).
And TBH, I don't think parents and siblings would require an invitation to go to each other's houses. I usually only call to make sure they are at home, and give a little warning. I don't ask for an invitation, FGS.

You do seem a little over the top on territoriality too, to be honest.

And why did you tell him to go home or his mother's and then you locked him out, making him go home to hers?


The thing is, even though he does seem very selfish and uncaring, some of your attitudes are a bit off the mark too.

Could you try counselling?

[Cabrinha]

Shadesofwhite, people are trying to help - so don't just say "I'm not talking about the underwear again".
You see, the underwear buying is no big deal, in itself. If my MIL did it, I'd probably laugh to H that she needed to cut the apron strings, he would laugh - but still wear them.
I certainly wouldn't consider myself responsible for buying them!

Thing is, BECAUSE in itself the underwear is no big deal, people here as using your big reaction to it to try to understand the problems.

And it seems SOME of it is cultural? That you expect to mother your husband yourself? I really struggle with that. You are his WIFE. See - this is partly why your MIL can compete, because you're both trying to mother him.

Forget the MIL, sort out your issues with your H.

I'm shocked about your period though - I'm sorry, but no amount of bleeding would keep me from my 13 month old. Why not just pop an open nappy inside some pants whilst you waited? Or a rolled up towel?

[izzyhasanewchangeling]

I've popped back through thread, you appear to be gossiping about mil to friends and the pastor.

Pushing DH into corners.

Objecting to him speaking to his mother on the phone.

're the pads I find it hard to believe there wasn't 1 in the house.

You all sound as bad as each other.

[shadesofwhite]

Lueji I do agree I'm overreacting in one way or another but its just me trying to speak out and say I'm not happy with mil interfeering a lot. I'm already organising couples Councelling for us. FYI my dad (is abroad) just rang me after mil called him saying "her son's marriage with me is over" . Who gives her the right to end" the marriage and she is not a part of it. I'm just going to keep calm and let it go.

[shadesofwhite]

Ok, last year June I had a contraception injection and it affected my regula flow, unbelievably, I was on my periods literally everyother week and it was heavy and soo painful. I've seen my dic over this issue and apparently its a condition that could be rectified through surgery. I've alyways had plenty of spare pads and my meds to reduce the pain in the house but this time round I didn't check if they were running out. Aaand that's how I ended up there..
izzy I may sound as bad but I'm having a crisis, thanks for helping.
I

[shadesofwhite]

Meant ...seen my Doc not dic..bloody phone.

[SPBInDisguise]

Sorry to hear that. Hope you can get better. How is your Dh hurting you?

[izzyhasanewchangeling]

You don't always help someone by agreeing with them.

It sounds like your behaviour is aggravating the situation - if that is how you are coming across to strangers on the internet no doubt your husband feels the same.

You are in a negative circle with MIL and both of you are feeding it - you cannot change how she behaves - only how You react to it - I'll link you to something in a sec that may help.

[izzyhasanewchangeling]

90/10 principles

Watch this.

[izzyhasanewchangeling]

SpB the ans to how she is being hurt is at 13.19 can't copy and paste on phone

[Vagaceratops]

Your MIL is wrong for buying your DH's underwear but its okay for your DH to buy your sanitary towels.

[SPBInDisguise]

Oh. Wasn't convinvee that was in response to how has hehurt you but yes iswym

[shadesofwhite]

Thanks for the link izzy will go through it. What do you think I should do ATM. I'm trying to call DH but he's not answering. I want to apologize for locking him out and we move on from this situation. I'm just feeding DD but can't stop thinking about him.