Unhappy DH is draining me - what can I do?

[Allegrogirl]

I've been with DH for 20 years, since uni. He has always had a self pitying streak and an anger at the unfairness of the world. But he can be great fun, we have loads in common and like the same things and he adores me.

I am getting so fed up now of supporting him when he changes jobs when unhappy (he was a FT student when DD1 was born in 2007), I have lived through his depression, his anger, his insomnia, his negativity, his chronic pain (totally not his fault but tough for the rest of us), the effects of his medication and I don't know how much more I can take.

Examples in the last few days 1) New Years Eve we leave to drops DCs with GPs for the night. I asked if he had the front door key. He said yes but just as I pulled it closed he realised he didn't and then threw a massive strop and frightened the children. My parents had spares. 2)last night he got home couldn't find the tax disc he had just bought, threw a massive strop and frightened the children. It was stuffed in his pocket all along.

I am fed up of living with a knot of anxiety in my stomach (suffer from anxiety anyway) wondering how he will react to each drama that occurs in our lives. I think he may be depressed again.

He is constantly exhausted and so am I. He is also disappointed in the fact that I'm not often in the mood for sex. I love him but I don't fancy him much at the moment. I also wonder if he is so exhausted and in so much pain how he can be up for it. He doesn't seem to realise that if I wasn't so anxious he might get more attention from me.

I am terrified of being alone and he is a good dad, does lots round the house etc. he is not a bad person. Very confused at the moment.

I hate to say it but his behaviour constitutes emotional abuse. A man with a 'self-pitying streak', anger, depression and who tends to blame others for his own shortcomings should have sought help a long time ago to deal with it.... not inflict it on someone else and certainly not frighten children. That's a very big alarm bell.

Is he as angry, short tempered and offensive with others? Or does he save it just for you? Consider that... Is the medication for the chronic pain or for the depression?

You are choosing to live this way at the moment because of your fear of being independent. But your children have no choice in the matter. A 'good dad' would never, EVER, scare his children over something as trivial as getting locked out.

This sounds very familair to me. I am on the verge of ending a ten year relationship as I cannot stand the anger outbursts, self pitying and general miserableness.

In my case it is always saved for when he is at home. I know he is under stress at work but why take it out on me ?

You say he is not a bad person, but a good person would not behave like this ... that is what I am thinking anyway

Hi Allegro, you sound you are really suffering here, sorry to hear it, I can identify with a lot of the things you say and have seen them, see them in my DH.

What is his chronic pain by the way, can you say - just don't get the fuller picture.

Whatever he is going through, and I know it may be tough for him, he should not be inflicting all this on you and DCs, no way. Does he discuss his failings with you at all? Would you be able to discuss the trivial incidents when he blows up out of control? You need to be able to talk about these things and understand how you BOTH feel when these things happen. I know it can be difficult to get communication started at times but it is worth it in the end.

"Would you be able to discuss the trivial incidents when he blows up out of control? "

The OP says she lives with a 'knot of anxiety' in her stomach. She is clearly very frightened and nervous around her husband because of his emotionally abusive behaviour. She's in no position to start a discussion.

You probably on some level thought you could rescue and or save this person by loving them. No.

He may well be a good Dad to your children (well you'd like anyway to think so) but to me he's a lousy H and father to your children really if he is treating the person he is supposed to love like this. This is emotional abuse and your children are copping his abuse as well.

You are not responsible for his state of well being; he is and if he chooses to keep running away then it is not down to you to rescue and or save him from
himself. Doing so will destroy you in the end.

What would your counsel be if someone else was posting this?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. He is dragging you down with him and sadly for you and your children you are letting him.

It has got worse recently as he is due to have knee surgery in 3 weeks. His joints are loose but never had an actual diagnosis. Also has jaw, thumb, ankle, elbow etc, etc pain.

I should make it clear that his anger was never directed at the children, just that they were frightened because daddy was upset. Clearly not on and I will be tackling him tonight. I can talk to him. I am not frightened of what he would do to us, it's his ranting and over reactions to things. He blames it on the meds and lack of sleep, which also causes the stupid forgetful things to happen. I do tell him not to shout at me and he always will always apologise.

I left him for a few months pre-dc due to the depression as I couldn't cope anymore. He got a short course of counselling through his work which helped a lot for a while. He has tried accupuncture and various antidepressants.

I could do with CBT for my anxiety again, had some 4 years ago and it really helped. Not sure how to fit it in with work and children.

I am going to tell him tonight that it is not acceptable. He needs to manage his moods better as it's not fair on the rest of us.

"I could do with CBT for my anxiety again"

Does it occur to you that your anxiety is entirely caused by living in such a stressful situation? Having to constantly second-guess when your ticking time-bomb of a husband is going to blow up in your face would make anyone anxious.

BTW... whether his anger was directed at the children or not, they were terrified. If you can't see that it's exactly the same thing I feel sorry for you.

A random anecdote follows. Please feel free to skip.

XH used to complain about chronic joint pain. It was particularly bad in the winter and apparently getting worse year by year. I encouraged him to get it seen to as I said it was probably either rheumatism or arthritis, neither of which are life-threatening but can sometimes be helped by appropriate treatment and/or medication, but he wouldn't go. He said it wasn't worth it as it was probably something fatal and incurable, and that he would "go off a high place" (ie kill himself) when he couldn't stand it any more.

After 23 years of marriage, including more issues than you can shake a stick at, I called time. He promptly started to do all sorts of things I'd been begging him to do for years, like finding a job, and going to see a GP for a checkup. He came home all full of himself after the latter and pronounced that he was "fit as a fiddle", an expression he liked so much he said it three times. I asked what they had said about the aches and pains. His response: "What aches and pains?" I said the ones you complain about every winter. He said he didn't know what I was talking about.

My point? No point. Random, as I said. Nothing to see here.

I get the point :) Does it start with 'hypo', finish with 'chondriac' & have 'self-centred lying twat' in the middle?

DH's pain issues are genuine. I've seen the x-ray and MRI reports, plus he is having surgery in a few weeks. He has always worked, including PT when a student.

You have all helped me realise that I shouldn't make allowances for his moods because of it though. I will tell him that it has to end or he will have to move out. He needs to go back to the GP and get a referal to the pain clinic and/or counselling.

My anxiety goes back as long as I can remember, way back into childhood. I didn't realise it was an actual thing until after DD1 was born. HCPs thought I had PND but I was sure that wasn't the case. Was then diagnosed as anxiety.

I am not living with someone who constantly terrifies the children by the way. It's usually grumpiness and negativity. The recent incidents are the way things were when he was depressed and I'm not going back to that again.