Tips on getting 'the spark' back, please?!

[missmaryp]

So...

I'd like any advice on how to regain 'the spark' in a relationship.
My partner and I have been in a relationship for about 3 and a half years, living together for about 2 and a half. The relationship has been wonderful, I never knew it was possible to feel as loved and connected as we have.

However, over the past year or so, things have drifted in to more of a friendship. I'm angry with him for letting it happen, because I feel like I have consistently raised concerns about our intimacy slipping away and he hasn't really put the effort in to address the issue.

Now things have got to the point where I've admitted I'm feeling fed up and a bit hopeless - he is trying his absolute hardest not to 'lose me'. He is being attentive, loving, snogging me in the kitchen just like I've wanted.

It's nice. But I'm not excited by it. I feel, disconnected.

I want to get the spark back, I want this relationship to work. Have any of you been in a similar situation and can advise anything to help me on my way please?

Having to twist someone's arm to get affection is like having to ask for a bunch of flowers on Valentine's Day isn't it? .... Shouldn't need saying really. I also worry that talking too much about something as spontaneous and elusive as 'spark' kind of defeats the object.

What I think certainly helps is setting up the opportunities for spontaneity ie. plenty of relaxation time, fun & shared activities. Maybe that's the ball you should put in his court?

That all makes a lot of sense, thank you.

We have fairly active social lives, both as individuals and sharing time as a family with other families. The spending time together as a couple part is lacking though, so yes, maybe concentrating more on that will help.

It's been suggested before but we never quite get round to it. I've booked theatre tickets recently - but he still hasn't decided if he wants to come or not, which is annoying. It just makes me want to go with someone else! (A friend, not interested in anyone else relationship wise). So maybe I could suggest that if one of us goes to the effort / is interested enough in something, the other person could / should just make the effort to join in.

It all feels very sad and a lot like too much work. Who ever said relationships were easy though eh?!

I actually think couple relationships should be easy and not a lot of work. Friendships or extended family relationships are harder because people lead their own lives and it takes some organisation to keep the connection. But when you're having to make too-big or too-conscious an effort to give and receive affection from someone who not only lives in the same house but is supposed to love you (and vice versa) I think something's gone wrong.

Tbh it surprises me that you have only been together three and a half years, and struggling for the last year - it sounds like a problem you should be having ten years in.

I totally agree, something has gone wrong - but we still love each other. That's why I'm asking for help on how we get things back on track...

Are you in a long and stable relationship where you haven't needed to put effort in to keep things on track? I do wonder (and definitely no blame intended here) if I even know what a constitutes a healthy and happy relationship, and what I should expect from a partner, and from myself - because my parents certainly didn't provide that example. I suppose it's just whatever feels right. But I think effort and work is needed to some degree, and sometimes more work is needed than at other times.

We've derailed. And I kind of blame him for that, because I've seen the warning signs, told him about them, and nothing has changed.

Just hope I can be bothered to get us back on track.

I also don't think it helped us that after only being together about 18 months I was desperate for a baby (we both have 7 year old daughters from previous relationships) but he really wasn't - for sound reasons.

Eventually he agreed, as long as we waited for an arbitrary amount of time. But it was obvious he didn't want it to happen.

In the meantime, I've started studying, and got a place at University next year - and no interest in having a baby anymore. Maybe I've just gone in a different direction now, and I want to be (selfishly) 'free' while at Uni. I don't for one second think that means I'll have men falling at my feet!

Maybe we've just grown apart.