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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me get a grip please ...

4 replies

PandaOnAPushBike · 02/01/2013 11:12

... because I'm so upset and can't stop crying even though my head is screaming at me to stop being such a numpty.

Yesterday my husband was talking to me about how uncomfortable he feels at work at the moment because his boss keeps making really crude comments to him about a junior member of staff. This junior staff member is the person my husband works most closely with on a daily basis. He then starts saying how inappropriate he finds these comments because it's extremely unprofessional in his field to look at junior staff members in a sexual manner (a relationship could lead to disiplinary proceedings). But then he's telling me how he wouldn't ever look at this woman in this way despite her being extremely pretty and then starts detailing what makes her so attractive: she slim and has a lovely figure, a slight elfin like person, with a kind, gentle, soft nature and so on and so on.

I told him this conversation was making me uncomfortable so he shut up. Now I feel heartbroken. He's sat there telling me this woman is extremely attractive because she is the complete opposite of me :(

When I eventually went to bed last night and he cuddled up to me, I just burst into tears (and haven't stopped since). I explained that telling your pregnant, emotional wife who is overweight and has struggled with an eating disorder and the body image issues which go with it her entire life, that you think the women you spend the most time with is so attractive because she's a delicate slip of girl is probably not a wise move.

To be fair, he was genuinely upset at how upset he had made me. He has AS so is prone to putting his foot well and truely in his mouth. I know he loves me and thinks the world of me and I know he would never do anything delibrately to hurt me. But I feel ... I don't know, I can't put it into words. I'm literally sobbing just writing all of this. Insecure maybe? Vulnerable? Second best? I don't know. :(

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/01/2013 11:18

It's your insecurity and probably your ED/poor body-image history talking, that's all. When you said it made you uncomfortable he stopped and is upset with himself for putting his foot in it .... that's good. But you have to work on your self-esteem rather than feel threatened at the mere mention of a woman's appearance.

PandaOnAPushBike · 02/01/2013 11:25

You're right. I know this and normally I wouldn't react this way. I've had a lot of specialist help for my ED. Being pregnant though seems to have knocked me back several years. Possibly because first time round I was in a relationship which turned abusive and violent when I was pregnant (many years ago) and also possibly because every time I look in the mirror at the moment my shape is different.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/01/2013 11:31

It'll be your new shape that's freaking you out and triggering the old ED/body-image thoughts. Never really goes away.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/01/2013 11:32

Hello Panda what a shame you feel so unhappy and the pity of it is, part of you knows DH loves you to bits and wouldn't hurt you intentionally. As Cogito says, your own history of how you perceive yourself is at the root of this.

I'll be honest I don't know what to advise, sorry, but please try and hold onto the fact that you are loved, you and your DH are expecting a child and during your pregnancy your body is changing for that reason. What a whirl of hormones you will be at present. All this makes for a fresh kind of vulnerability. Plenty of pregnant women who haven't experienced poor body image issues in their lives before suddenly doubt their own attractiveness and self worth.

You need to feel reassured and it sounds like your DH may not be able to respond intuitively to this, can you say to him or even write it down that your confidence is low and you need bolstering?

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