Namechanged! I am aware I am probably going to get flamed a bit for this but hoping for a bit of helpful advice along the way! I am just going to put down the facts/ expereinces in order and those which I think are influencing where I am at now - I am not trying to engineer sympathy but would like advice on letting go of past mistakes. Sorry it soooo long!
Here goes:
when I was a aged between 5 and 8 I was badly sexually abused by my grandfather. As soon as my DPs found out we went he was prosecuted etc.
Unfortunately at the age of 18 I then suffered a horrid sexual assault at my first place of work, again this ended in a prosecution.
I feel these two events gave me a very bad backdrop on relationships! I hadn't really had a boyfriend up until this point and struggled with the concept of enjoying a sexual relationship with someone when I had stood as witness in two men being prosecuted for such things. I know these were very different and non-consentual but this is how my mind worked.
I was very shy and quite timid, then just before I turned 19 I met a policeman and began a relationship with him. He was nice enough but was very controlling, I never met his friends and though we lived together he would go out alone, rarely go out with me, tell me what to wear, get annoyed if house/ dinner/ me etc wasn't as he wanted it, etc. Gradually over this time (4 years) I gained my degree, got a good job and my confidence started to go up. When I was 22 I found out he had cheated on me and left him. unfortunately I also discovered I was pregnant. He had always threatened if I ever fell pregnant he would abandon me and not support etc. I was terrified and in hindsight, in what was a complete panic, I had an abortion.
3 weeks later, in a complete mess, and as a huge mistake I met what I thought then was the perfect man. He was older than me but protective, supportive, encouraging, loving. He made me feel adored. I finally felt able to enjoy sex. I really thought I had landed on my feet and fell in love (again in hindsight this wasn't love just need but hey-ho!). 6 mths into the relationship he told me he was married but they weren't together, however they lived together for the children's sake. I know I should have run a mile at this point but i didn't and that is something I have to live with. I insisted he either had a relationship with me, i.e. moved out of the family home or he remained with wife. what I didn;t know was his wife had found out and kicked him out, so he moved in with me under what I thought was his choice. He lied to his wife about where he was living and tried to rebuild his relationship with her, we'd been together about a year at this point. I think it was going well (them rebuilding), then she saw us together and again it all fell apart. she came to see me one day and was so nice it still makes me curl over with guilt. she told me I was young, naive and vulnerable, her DH wasn't a nice a man and liked power and control and would do whatever he could to get it, she could now stand up to him which was why she thought he had an affair, she was worried I couldn't. He tried to convince me she was just trying to manipulate me but I wasn't convinced and from that moment onwards was worried by him. I tried lots of time to break up with him, each time I did it he would either turn into a sobbing mess claiming suicide and he had lost everything for me, or would turn up at my place of work causing a massive scene until I agreed to re-establish a relationship with him. Over this period of time he became increasingly controlling and violent, sex was terrifying. His violence was subtle (accidental he would call it) but what scared me the most was how he would control my space, blocking doors, exit routes, pinning me down etc. I was scared by him but made to feel so responsible for him and his situation that I felt I had made my bed and had to lie in it. He lived with me and off me financially, half the week (with another woman unbeknown to me the other half!) My then boss realised I was a bit of a mess and secretly (away from BF) arranged counselling for me. I became stronger and spurned by the discovery of more cheating kicked him out. I have never seen him since - I think because he knew I could stand up to him he never tried again.
Right to the problem now - fast forward 6 years, I carried on counselling for a couple of years and life transformed. I am now married to the most wonderful man possible, i am confident, happy, secure and content. I have a beautiful ds and another dc on the way. I rarely think about all these things until night time. I keep having nightmares that because I was the OW, because I put another wife life and her children through hell, karma will come back and some how take away everything I now value. I feel like I deserve the pain she must have suffered due to me, I carry so much guilt about my role in the destruction of her marriage that I can't let go of it. I have nightmares that her ex-h will return and take my children, kill my husband, kill me (there are many variations of these dreams!). I also feel the same thing will happen because of the abortion, that I don't deserve healthy, happy children. I am so anxious about this pregnancy and keep being convinced something will go wrong because I killed a baby so many years ago. I've had 3 mcs and all I could think is, I deserved that because of the abortion.
I have in all sense and purpose the most perfect life. I am so loved, and have so many people to love, why is this haunting me now? How can I let it go?