love dh but not IN love with him.

[hellokittybaby]

background is we have been together 7 years now have 2 dc. its not been easy we've had more downs than ups.

it all came to ahead yesterday where we had a real heart to heart chat. i feel he takes me for granted and leaves me to do most things for kids.

he says i pur kids , work, dogs, friends before him. i admitted the kids do come first but expect that to be the same for him. for him our main issue is lack of intimacy. once maybe twice a month. im just not into sex anymore and i realise that it isnt fair on him..

we both dont want to seperate. for me the thougjt makes me feel so sick, but when lying in bed next to him i thought 'i love him.but im not sure im in love with him.' its the first time ive thought thus butvits such a tired cliche. can i really end my marriage over this? but then its not fair on him being in a sexless marriage. he says he feels like my lodger not my husband.

sorry for typos using phone!

If you both don't want to separate, I'd suggest you have another conversation, this time about the things you do like & appreciate about each other. It's always easier to air grievances than to think of positives but it's important to balance the two if the intention is to find a compromise solution.

Also, from what you've written, it seems you're both saying to each other roughly the same thing i.e that you want to feel appreciated and loved. What makes you feel appreciated & loved is practical help with the children & house ... What makes him feel appreciated & love is physical intimacy and your attention ... I don't think you're actually as far apart as all that unless there are other problems that you've not outlined above.

You may benefit from an outside counsellor helping you work through the next steps.

Cogito is right. from the info in your first post I think the two of you sound great together, and just need a bit more communication and mutual appreciation to get things back on track.

Feelings of being "in love" in that passionate beginning-of-a-relationship way don't last - that's normal. Long-lasting love is built on sturdier foundations - living together and supporting each other in what you are trying to achieve together. Letting each other know how important you are to each other emothionally and physically.

Keep up the heart-to-heart chats but make sure they stay positive - one method my DH and I were taught when we went through a rough patch was to take it in turns to make a statement about ourselves (not about the other - though you can say "I feel underappreciated when..." but not "you think that ...") then the other person has to reflect that back to you to summarise what they heard e.g. "I am understanding from what you said that when I do X you feel Y" and then responding to it e.g. "it's just because I'm tired when I come in from work and hadn't thought it was important". Then you do it again with the other person taking a turn to make a starting statement. Setting aside half an hour once a week to communicate in this way can really help make you feel closer.

A healthy sex life doesn't just happen without effort either - especially once you have kids you need to put in thought and planning as well as your emotional energy to keep things intimate.