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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

confused man or big ego?

24 replies

neverumind · 01/01/2013 21:56

hello mumsnetters, Ive got an ongoing problem with either a very confused man or one with a hella ego. Can u listen please and maybe give me ur thoughts?
I've liked this man for just over a year, we spent a couple months flirting outrageously with each other, when we sort of arranged to meet, he backed out but still indicated that he wanted to carry on flirting as before. I was pretty cool but still smitten, but we def backed off each other.
No of months later he gives me the eye one day and comes onto me, I'm surprised and still a bit cool, but melt pretty quickly...he backs off again. I'm pretty pissed off, you can imagine.
We don't see each other for another couple months, then he waits for me one day and starts talking again quite intently, this has carried on now for several months with no sign that it going anywhere. I've been really cool with him, to the extent that I'm now blanking him when he talks to me but he still continues to say hi and try to make conversation! I'm just fed up. I still like him, but feel very frustrated and confused by his behaviour. Do you think I should carry on ignoring him in the hope that he will go away? We havent spoken outwardly to each other about this. Some friends tell me he still likes me and I should just go with it, others say that he's a big ego!
By the way, I'm separated with 2 small children and, as far as Im aware he single with no children, and I know him through work. I'm thinking that my status and 2 kids puts him off?

OP posts:

FuckityFuckFuck · 01/01/2013 22:01

I'm thinking that he's a bit of a twat that likes to think he is so irresistable that you will wait around and be utterly grateful for any crumbs of affection that he shows you.

Tell him outright to piss off and stopping messing you about, you have got far better things to do than to deal with his ego

FuckityFuckFuck · 01/01/2013 22:03

Christ....that reads a bit harsh on you

But yes, big ego and not worth your time

foolonthehill · 01/01/2013 22:05

I'm thinking he's a twat who likes the attention and the feeling that you are into him but has no intention of actually investing in any sort of relationship with you that requires any time or effort on his part.

Tell him to go away.

Make room in your head and heart for someone nice!

foolonthehill · 01/01/2013 22:06

Oh...Fity f...does that make mine harsh????

Xpost but I stand by what i said!

TurnipCake · 01/01/2013 22:11

Whether he's confused, has an over-inflated ego, it doesn't matter, because all signs point to douchebag. Pull the mental 'flush' handle in your head ala Baggage Reclaim and put your efforts into other worthy causes

singaporefling · 01/01/2013 22:12

May indeed have a huge ego... Or is there anything to indicate he may actually be lacking in confidence? Eitherway, i would keep my distance and IF 'approached' again, i would be very very direct tbh. I WOULD be speaking to him 'outwardly' about this (altho my own pride would NOT let him know that I was bovvered/smitten)... I would be asking him what his 'game' is as you've noticed his rather obvious attention... If he reeeealy likes you he'd hopefully grab the chance to progress the situation...if he backs off/becomes flustered you've lost nothing and he was always going to mess with your head! Sounds a pain really!

badinage · 01/01/2013 22:12

If he's single, he only flirts with you when he hasn't got someone else on the go.

If he's married or in a relationship, he likes flirting but doesn't want to take it any further.

Either way, he sounds like a complete idiot.

You're a grown-up FFS. Don't waste time with game-players.

tribpot · 01/01/2013 22:13

Too right. You've wasted more head space on the guy than he deserves in the time it took you to type the post! I'm sorry you're getting the runaround from this guy but really don't waste your time.

Absoluteeightiesgirl · 01/01/2013 22:14

Cut your losses and move on. Aside from having it out with him am not sure what else you can do.

Original poster

neverumind · 01/01/2013 22:16

that's a pretty clear message from all parties, so I'll keep up the good work of ignoring him. It just makes me look like a bitch though as he presents himself as a 'mr nice guy', and I'm starting to get funny looks from others when he goes outta his way to talk to me and I give him the cold shoulder.There must be a more clever bitch way to do this?!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2013 22:18

I'd actually call it sexual harassment...

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 01/01/2013 22:20

Why not just exchange a minute or two of casual conversation with him then move on? Ostentatiously blanking him makes you look like a teenager and also demonstrates that you are hurt and that you care, whereas treating him the same way you would treat any passing acquaintance demonstrates that you really aren't bothered.

badinage · 01/01/2013 22:23

Is this a work colleague?

If so instead of ignoring him (which is childish and unprofessional) why not say that you are interested in a business-like relationship only and don't want a friendship?

If he's a social acquaintance, just say you don't want a friendship.

This isn't difficult, but for some reason you're making it so.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2013 22:24

What kind of things does he say to you? Is it suggestive stuff, comments on your appearance, seaside-postcard/Benny Hill humour?......

Original poster

neverumind · 01/01/2013 22:31

God ure so right Solid but finding it hard to talk casually with him, that's the problem. Also think the guy's ego is so big that when I do talk with him, he thinks I'm into him, e.g. he's doing a course I've already completed and am interested in, I offered him my old portfolio to look at, he didn't answer me but just smirked (honestly). Cogito its work talk but theres a lot of non verbals, smiling and eye contact.

OP posts:

tribpot · 01/01/2013 22:36

Well why on earth did you offer him the portfolio? Just be completely distant and polite, you don't owe him any more than that.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2013 22:36

Then call him out on it in future rather than ignoring him or flirting back. 'Non verbals'?.... what's that exactly? Wiggling his eyebrows? Licking his lips? Got to discourage him. "What's up with you today Fred? You look constipated...." etc

Original poster

neverumind · 01/01/2013 22:56

OP posts:

LessMissAbs · 01/01/2013 23:02

I've got one exactly like this too OP. Identical behaviour down to the arranging a date and then cancelling. He actually leers at me and came along to some group things with friends. When I ignored him or just said hallo in passing, he would get a little stalkerish. I found him entertaining for a while, then found out he had a long term girlfriend that he kept secret, and then he wasn't shy/lacking confidence with women after all. One day totally lost my temper with him and told him he was sadly deluded if he thought I was going to talk to him any more as I was fed up being his ego boost. Who knows what he will do next? He currently seems to be sulking.

These guys try and make you think they are nice guys by not doing anything [too overtly] physical with you, but of course they are simply another kind of user.

badinage · 01/01/2013 23:33

Just stick to professional interactions only and if he starts gurning or flirting, stop the conversation immediately.

I agree he's probably in a relationship and is playing with you to get himself a safe ego boost that makes the working day go a bit quicker. There are also some really unpleasant men out there who think that single parent women are desperate for some action and will be willing to accept a few crumbs of attention. Don't feed his ego.

Original poster

neverumind · 02/01/2013 00:01

That's exactly right Less it seems like he doesn't want to 'dirty his hands' with anything physical with me but just mindf**k me instead. Being out of the 'scene' for so long I had no idea men like this existed.Thanks for all ur replies and support.Live and learn, I'm a bit more suss now at least.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/01/2013 00:32

I think the expression is 'all talk and no balls'.

Dryjuice25 · 02/01/2013 01:42

He is an utter headfuck. He knows what he is doing and thinks he is a catch. Gigantic ego, run.

LessMissAbs · 02/01/2013 12:16

Being out of the 'scene' for so long I had no idea men like this existed

I think this type of man takes some time to develop and mature into what they are. I don't think you get too many single men in their twenties who carry on like this, but once they hit their thirties, are faced with the prospect of settling down with one woman for the rest of their lives and getting older, you seem to get a particularly annoying, attention-seeking type that presents themselves as the ideal man, but without the balls to actually do anything about it. Will probably end up divorced and living in a rented room in their fifties after eventually having an affair with someone they meet on POF.

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