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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I know how long he will be ?

22 replies

beth6 · 17/04/2006 16:19

My dh has begun a new trend and I dont know what to make of it. He tells me he is going to the shop to buy a newspaper. However he comes back 2-3 hours later. He has been to the pub. I dont mind him going out, I just think it would be more considerate to tell me in the first place or text me when he finds himself in the pub. He does it anytime, teatime [so misses tea with the kids], or sunday afternoon, or anytime. He says that I am being unreasonable when I say he should tell me when he's going to be back. Last week my son twigged and said 'daddys playing a trick on us, he hasnt gone to the shop really'. Am I being unreasonable or is he being a bit too inconsiderate? ideas wellcomed!

OP posts:
GDG · 17/04/2006 16:21

Inconsiderate and I'm afraid it sounds a bit sus to me. I'd be hugely suspicious (but maybe that's my nature!). I would expect to know where he was going and when he was coming back, not least because there is a family to care for you are left running things in his absence.

blueteddy · 17/04/2006 16:22

You are not being unreasonable, he is out of order to dissapear off to the pub without letting you know where he is.Angry
I would be furious!

LadySherlockofLGJ · 17/04/2006 16:22

Saved me a post GDG,un acceptable IMO.

spinach · 17/04/2006 16:25

next time he says hes off, say great, can you take the kids, they need some fresh air.

Rhubarb · 17/04/2006 16:25

Absolutely not on!
Why not ask him to make the tea one day, then just nip out to get something from the shop, instead go to a friend's house or whatever and return 2 hours later. Then maybe he'll see how frustrating and worrying it is!

It denotes a lack of respect for you which is not a good sign at all.

lact8 · 17/04/2006 16:26

Bang out of order as far as I'm concerned. My xp used to do this, he said he was going to the shop one day and didn't come back for 3 days! I'd say you need to confront him about what he's doing. Let him know the kids are aware of it too

blueteddy · 17/04/2006 16:26

Good suggestion, spinach!

tribpot · 17/04/2006 16:27

Perhaps simply consider this. Would you just vanish for an unspecified length of time and leave dh with the kids, saying you were off to buy a paper? Would he think that was reasonable? So not only is it not reasonable that he doesn't tell you he's going, it's not even reasonable, in my opinion, that he does it at all.

I would find it weird even if kids weren't involved. If my dh wanted to go down the pub that'd be fine, but if he said he was off to buy a paper and didn't show up for three hours, I would be getting seriously worried that something had happened to him.

browniechick · 17/04/2006 16:27

Extremely unacceptable - completely agree with CDG. Just read your post to DH who said he thinks it is outrageous and v.v.v. unaccepatable. You are not wrong - knowing where he is and what time he will be back is the least you deserve IMO - him not going at all would be better, or better still if he asked you along (after arranging for a babysitter).
Good luck

Tortington · 17/04/2006 17:22

he sounds like a c*nt to me. At what point did he think "its ok to fuck off for hours without telling my life partner"?

i think he has to ask himself that

if he is unhappy - or wants more freedom - maybe you should have a chat about it - and tell him that wiping shitty arses and cleaning up child sick and cooking and cleaning and wiping and working 24 hours a fucking day isn't your idea of a fucking life either - twat.

sunchowder · 17/04/2006 17:24

I love you Custy.

blueteddy · 17/04/2006 17:24

Grin Well said custy!

ggglimpopo · 17/04/2006 17:26

My ex started doing this when he started messing around. Sorry.

lou33 · 17/04/2006 17:51

my h became my x partly because of the behaviour you describe

Raggydoll · 17/04/2006 17:59

you are letting him off very lightly having not said anything so far. dh going off for hours doesn't bother me much but I HATE it when he does things i know he would go mad at me for - thus i would try rhubarbs suggestion - if hes anything like my dh he won't like it and that will be the end of that!

Bobley · 17/04/2006 18:12

Has he done this sort of thing before? It's totally not on. If he wants to go to the pub why does he not just say instead of saying he is going to the shops?! Your little boy twigging is not a good thing either.

Not to sure about stopping him though, you will just have to confront him again and ask him why he thinks what he is doing to acceptable.

Good luck

Greensleeves · 17/04/2006 18:24

Tell him his son now thinks of him as a liar. If that doesn't bother him, you might as well leave him. IMHO.

Sparklemagic · 17/04/2006 18:48

yes, next time he says he's popping to the shop, immediately say "great, the kids want to come, and can you get some milk?"

I think his behaviour is absolutely awful, and it's so sad that he'd rather be down the pub than being with his family. Everyone needs time out occasionally, but this is different.

Also, next time he is in and the kids are tucked up in bed, tell him you're going to the shop to get a magazine - then go out for the evening!!!!!!!

Original poster
beth6 · 17/04/2006 18:48

thanks, it's not looking very good. we have since argued about this this afternoon, he still thinks it is ok to do it from time to time! [eg: 2 times in one week] i know it dosnt say much for our relationship really. i told him if things are that dire he should go. then we had a usual barney and he rakes up stuff from 7 years ago!

thanks everyone its good to know that i am not abnormal in my thinking. its not easy is it, especially when u have young kids and no family nearby to bounce ideas off. thanks again.x

OP posts:
Sparklemagic · 17/04/2006 18:49

actually meant to say Greensleeves got it exactly right. He should care what your children think of this and if he doesn't - what a loser.

LoveMyGirls · 17/04/2006 20:01

sounds like a loser - if you do actually think he should go because life would be easier without the stress of wondering where he is then dont wait for him to make a decision about the life you and your children should be leading - you have told him you are not happy about it - yet without another thought for your/ your childs needs he just does it anyway - its not acceptable to just assume that you will look after everything while he buggers off - he has responsibility too he has to take the rough with the smooth and that doesnt mean just pleasing himself knowing that he can see you/ kids when he gets home and everything be hunky dory.

Rhubarb · 17/04/2006 20:05

So he is punishing you for things that happened 7 years ago is that it?

Show him this thread, show him that it is NOT acceptable behaviour and you are not alone in thinking so. Apply to your local housing assoc for housing now and tell him what you are doing. A relationship with no respect is not a relationship. He is using you and will continue to do so whilst you let him.

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