Background: DH has very little family that he is close to - after his mum died a few years ago fairly suddenly, he spent a couple of years with just him, his dad (FIL) and his brother (BIL). FIL then met step-MIL who is a very strong character and due to her dislike of both DH and BIL still living at home at 20/22, proceeded to drive them both out by being rude and openly hostile. FIL was upset, but didn't want to be alone so chose her over his sons, who now only see him once a month, if that. His aunts and uncles live a few hours away, so we don't see or hear from them much.
DH moved in with me and my parents and brother and has always been accepted wholeheartedly by my extended family. He is treated like a son/grandson/nephew/brother, which is all great. After we got our own place and got married, BIL came to live with us. This was 5 years ago and he is still with us and our two DCs. On the whole this is an ok arrangement. He pays rent which has enabled me to be a SAHM without having to worry about money.
The downsides are the DCs have to share a room, he does nothing towards the cleaning of the house and there is no chance of him moving in the foreseeable future (ie the next 18 months) as he wouldn't be able to afford rent on his own place and his friends have partners they live with so he has no-one to house share with. In fact, BIL is increasingly isolated as everyone else has moved on in life with partners/children etc and he is nowhere near that at 28 and a half. Over the last 3 weeks he's actually spent 90% in his room, not interacting with anyone.
So that gives you the background, but this Christmas and the last few months has really brought to he forefront of my mind how shittily DH is spoken to by BIL and how his dad has almost complete apathy where DH is concerned. FIL has once again caused DH upset on Christmas Day with his lack of action confronting his wife about her attitude to DH and I, which leads to neither of them seeing their GCs. I am not welcome at FIL's house as I stood up to step MIL about her treatment of DH and BIL five years ago, although FIL maintains he loves me. I understand FIL is stuck between a rock and a hard place, but he knows how upset DH is at himself and the DCs coming second fiddle. DH takes the DCs to see his dad and step MIL every other week or so, otherwise they wouldn't see them from one year to the next, despite living 10 minutes away.
BIL also treats DH badly. He is outright rude to DH in nearly every interaction they have. He has in the last couple of months told DH to "hurry up as I'm bored with talking to you already", tells him quite regularly that he is talking shit/is such a loser/is really shit as x,y,z and points out how fat DH still is, even though DH has lost a lot of weight in the last few months (he is still slightly overweight, but nothing terrible). He can be very abrupt and rude to the kids too, which I have pulled him up on. He also told me the other day to 'shut the fuck up' when I was very mildly teasing him, even though he is happy to rip the piss out of others all the time.
DH is also excluded by step -MIL, which BIL and FIL seem to just go along with. For example, DH wasn't invited to his Dad's surprise birthday dinner last month. BIL knew about it for ages, and FIL had guessed, but neither told him until it was too late to attend with the excuse that DH works night shifts and he'd only be able to stay an hour, despite the fact he could have had a drink and a small bite to eat.
Sorry it's so long by the way, just a tiny bit more!
DH does have a tendency to minimise and try to shrug it off, but it really upsets him. I try to stay supportive and I stick up for DH but it is wearing him down and he feels embarrassed as our family are very inclusive and respectful of one another and his family aren't. Do you think I should say anything to FIL and BIL, oh wise mumnetters? BIL, btw, is very non confrontational (except when belittling DH), bottles things up and views my attitude towards step -MIL as pointless and "stupid". Overall, he isn't very receptive to people talking to him about his behaviour or the situation and it's upsetting impact on DH - he's sort of like a surly, self obsessed teenager in that respect.
Please help, as it has gotten to the point where I am happy to break contact with FIL and step-MIL as the DCs will be the ones that will potentially be hurt by step-MIL's attitude and FIL's response. Also, I have increasingly felt that BIL is going to have to go sooner rather than later before I blow up and say something that could make another member of DH's family hate me! I also feel that maybe it's use me overreacting, after all I only have my family to go on...arrrggghhhh! It feels such a mess sometimes 