should I respond to toxic postcard?

[givemeaclue]

back story - posted on here earlier in the year re issues with toxic and unreasonable DM. Took advice from mnetters re travel arrangements for my Mother to see my dcs, she hasn't seen them since March since I told her she was responsible for making her own arrangements to see them i.e I would not be doing the paying/travelling/arranging etc.

On xmas day, dcs left a message on her phone in morning to say happy christmas and thanks for presents. tried again in evening - not in. assumed was at her DP's (same sex couple) so I dialled the number for her, gave phone to dcs, not sure who answered but DC1 had a chat and then when it was DC2 turn, a quick hello but DM's xmas dinner was ready so she dialled off. She called on boxing day morning and spoke to them both again.

2 days later got a postcard from DM's DP saying it was insensitive to phone her house and to never dial her number again.

Have ignored.

Am narked by this as DM wants to have the dcs to stay with her for 4-5 nights this year, they won't have seen her for a year and she will be relying on her DP to help her out as she has a bad back. Yet her Dp objects to them phoning her on xmas day??!!

should i carry on ignoring or should I respond?

thank you

Agree, you don't need to facilitate a relationship between this woman and your DCs because it's not going to be in their long term benefit. It will be in her benefit, but not enough to make her be arsed to actually put the effort in. You would be sending them to her for her, not for you and not for them. So why would you put someone who treats you this badly first? Above your DCs and yourself? What has she done to deserve that high status? I'm going to say nowt except demand it.

So e-mail back saying "I don't think it will work for us to send the children to you to stay. If you are in [insert name of your town] we can arrange for you to meet them." Or just don't respond at all. You are under no obligation.

BTW - did anything come of her legal threats?

This would be breaking point for me.

Do you truly want your children to have any contact with your mother and her DP who obviously has no empathy towards pre school children?

I would suggest getting postcard out of bin so that at the point when she gets in touch to make arrangements for having DC y have your evidence.

Are your DH parents involved in their lives?

I would urge you to cut all contact for the sake of you DC

I would:

Ignore postcard.

Wait for DM to contact you about DC staying- do not contact her at all.

When she calls/emails, respond thus:

DM- Why have you not been in touch, blah, need to organise DC visit, how dare you etc.

You - (confused) I don't understand, I received a postcard telling me not to contact your partner, so assumed visit was off, obviously.

DM - fume fume, why not contact me, anyway the visit is to ME etc.

You - No that's not the way I see it. She was supposed to be helping you manage them, she made it clear that she was unhappy with any facilitating role so that's it off as far as I'm concerned. I'm hardly sending my DC to be cared for by someone who won't support my being in contact while they're away. Plus, her postcard was rude, so of course that changes my opinion on whether she's suitable company for my DC.

DM - fume fume

You - I think you're having a go at the wrong person here. If your partner hadn't been so rude and silly, this problem wouldn't exist. If you can't see that, then frankly I don't think you're in a fit state to have the children to stay anyway. Call me when both of you stop being so ridiculously offensive and silly.

Hang up.

Job done.

BTW - if you are sure that your mum was aware that her DP sent you the message, basically telling you that your mum doesn't want unscheduled contact with your DCs, your mum is basically telling you that your DCs are only important to her when she decides they are. They aren't generally on her mind and she doesn't actually care if she thinks this is acceptable. Have no guilt re cutting her out completely from their lives. She doesn't actually care.

You need to stop becoming engaged in her abusive, controlling behaviour. I wouldn't bother contacting her at all.

If she wants to see her GC's in future then she can have some supervised time with them at a time convenient to you and she can make her own travel arrangements and pay for it too.

I have read this thread and the previous one and really don't understand why you want to maintain the relationship between her and the children at all.

As a final parting shot, I would be tempted to send a postcard back saying that you have decided to cut all ties with her and asking her not to attempt to contact you or the GC'S again.

This postcard that they sent has provided you with enough justification to finally end things (not that you need justification)

I wouldn't respond. Neither would I do anything about arranging a trip for your DC to stay with these people. If they think it's ok to act the way they have with you, how do you think they treat your DC? What do you think they say to your DC about you?

I think what you need to understand from this postcard is your mother is not interested in your dc other than to use them to continue too exercise some control over you.

Don't put your dc through this. They don't need her.

I wouldn't send them to stay!

I also remember your previous post. I think if it were me I'd just ignore any and all attempts at contact. Your poor DC were just trying to speak to their GM!

I'd cut all contact, like others have said if they can treat you like this why should they have the privilege of a relationship with your DC? It's only a matter of time before she tries to turn them against you or starts treating them badly, I wouldn't want my children thinking it was acceptable for someone to treat their mother with such disrespect.

At the end of the day only you can decide what to do and I know it's really hard to say no when it involves family, but I'd be cutting my losses until they can behave like reasonable grown ups

That postcard is your GET OUT OF JAIL card! Gives you the perfect opportunity to put a stop to this shit.

Contact with these people is not going to benefit your dc.

My in-laws are just as vile as you 'D'M she disowned her son and DGC at our wedding whilst I walked down the isle she told me how I've ruined her sons live ect. Anyhow that's the a whole other thread. She 'loved' seeing her GC but never made an afford to see them yet it was ME that took them to see her and ME that paid for each visit!

If you're 'D'M is so keen to see them she would pay and do the journey herself her not doing this is giving her 'power' in your life. If you want you're DC to see her that is you're choice i wouldn't then get her to travel to a local hotel and see them in the day time under supervision, a close friemd, Dh or DH's family member.

I know how hard this is I was very hurt to find out how much my MIL hated me (I knew she didn't like me and hate is such a strong word) and have seen how much my DH has been torn by her toxic ways!

Thanks very much to you all for taking time to reply and for your very good advice it is much appreciated

Ignore.

Next time you get an email/phone message/letter/text from your mum, send her a postcard using the same wording as the one you received.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Having toxic ils myself i realise ignoring them gives them no ammunition!

Still ignoring! Like bertha idea though!