Thank you for your posts, It takes a lot of courage to leave, it becomes a 'better the devil you know' situation I think. When I look back at the things that happen I cannot believe I put up with what I did, and in front of my children. Luckily they are young enough to not remember I think.
No one can tell you to leave, I can remember my family telling me I had to go, I knew I did but I needed to reach that breaking point myself as my confidence was so low.
He used to be so cruel to me if he came home and I did not have makeup on. He would sulk if he came over and a friend was here.
We once traveled miles to see his family. (2.5 hour train journey) when we got there during the day he became angry with me and made me travel back on my own, in the night, through London, with a 10 month old DD and pregnant. Not that bad really but it was the feeling of being alone and knowing he didn't want me when I was so vulnerable.
I was very insecure, I devalued myself. I knew I had to leave after a 'family' holiday when he kicked off at the childrens au pair. My breaking point came when I was trying to smooth an argument over (that he started, he could shout and be cruel but if I did I was manipulating and controlling) I can remember crying because I didn't want the following day to be awkward, he left and went to bed. As I lay there on the sofa I imagined it was my DD feeling like that and i started sobbing. He stomped back downstairs and shouted that my tears were for control and i was trying to upset him by crying.
That moment I can say I stopped loving him completely. I didn't leave him that day though.
Looking back I regret every day I spent with him that I knew I shouldn't have been there; that was pretty much all of it to be honest.
On the other side now tough, its not better yet, I still dream about it after I have to see him.
When things go wrong I expect my partner to blow up and when he doesn't I am left a little bit shaken. Part of me from relief that my day isn't going to be ruined, part from the adrenaline that seems to happen naturally now when something goes wrong.
I think what I am trying to say, in a very convoluted way, is that there will be effects from the relationship that will not go away, the physical side of the relationship isn't the one that leaves scars, it is the emotional abuse that lasts BUT once you leave you will be stronger than you ever were. The relief of being able to be in your own home and actually relax is incredible. It does take time and it is not easy, I imagine the relationship as a vine holding onto me and I had to hack parts off bit by bit but the feeling of being free and most importantly - MY OWN PERSON is amazing.
