Shitty divorce

[Purdy113]

Would love some advice from anyone else who has been in this position. Trying to get divorced and the cogs are grinding really slowly. Husband was working away during the week but will now be back and working locally from this January. I cannot bear to be in the same room as him so have agreed that we will do alternate weeks in the marital home until the court hearings proceed. My main problem is that from September he was on commission only work and not a regular income. He has paid me £800 for the last 6 months towards the 3 children and the home. I have to deal with all the finances. He has been dating extensively and I saw a bank statement where he had spent £477 in one month on bars and restaurants. He has just showered the children with at least £800 worth of christmas presents including air rifles for the 2 boys. When asked if he is going to share the costs of the children now he has a new job he just turns the arguement around telling me I should get a better job or he has paid enough in the past - it just gets really unpleasant. I am meant to be moving out 6th Jan for my first week out and of course this will incur further costs for me. I will be speaking to my solicitor tomorrow but it is making me so angry. He is an intimidating bully and I am frightened of him. He has me exactly where he wants me. Paying the bills as I am more conscientious, getting eased out of the household as it is more distressing for me to be around him. Any tips on how to handle this horrible man and get through this with my sanity intact would be gratefully received. Any legal advice too.

Your solicitor is the best person to speak to for legal advice.

I know from my own experience that you are not entitled to any child maintenance while still living in the same house, but you may be able to get tax credits of some sort, I did.

I would not move out, under any circumstances (and I speak as someone who lived with an abusive ex for over a year after the marriage ended). Why should you fund his lifestyle while he wines and dines other women?

Definitely seek legal advice and, I agree with lilacbaubles, think carefully about moving out of the marital home without knowing where you stand legally. Not least because your accommodation costs will be huge!

An absolutely horrible situation. I really feel for you.

Agree that you should not move out of your house and, if you do, take the DCs with you. Make sure you have a good solicitor, tell them everything relevant and listen to their advice. 'Don't get mad, get even'.

Please don't "MOVE OUT" i understand you have to put up with him but give him his space, let him be incharge of the day planning the day out with his children. He could take them to visit his parents couple times and stay there if he wants to with the children. It will break my heart too if i come home and not get to see mychildren everyday but this need to be tolerated until your H finds his own accomodation if he wants too.
Solicitors have always adviced not to leave the family home even though it is on mortgage and only under the H's name because then the legal bond would want you to have a split of 60/40 or 70/30 and therefore, you will have partial money in the pot to rehouse your DC's.

Another thing i discovered is the less you work the better it is when comes to spousal maintenance. Besides, making sure the children are not compromised the way they were looked after the same way after moving out of the family home. Very tough situations but need to be done. Please TOLERATE it for better future for you and for your DC's try not to incur more cost or debt as a result of being spiteful or making him suffer. He will suffer in long term give yourself enough time to plan your next move and play all your cards closer to your heart.
All the very best and stay strong, very strong. XXX

Thank you all for your advice and kind words. My solicitor is aware that we had planned alternate weeks for a trial period. My plan was that the children who are aged 11-14 would be able to say 'we don't want to live with dad,' he has a nasty temper. Then I could show him the door with certainty. But you are right I will double check with solicitor again as to this being the right move. Thank you all for your support.

Be very suspicious of the 'commission only' pay. My ex had a secret bank account I found out about purely by chance - he had been putting all of his bonuses in it. I never really found out how much he had. The cynic in me would tell you to get as much out in cash back when doing grocery shopping as you dare I hid the money in sanitary towels.