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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

STBXH has moved a three-hour plane ride away. Thought I'd seen it all, but no.

3 replies

PoppyField · 01/01/2013 14:56

He told me that he would be working 'away' in January and would not see the DCs. Then he sent me an email, indignant that I should have had the temerity to ask him where he's going, telling me that he has signed a year's contract on the far side of Europe.

WTF? He is supposed to be devoted to our DCs, 5 & 4... but this doesn't say much does it?

We are getting towards the final stages of divorce (arguing over money, now that he's finally made some financial disclosures after a year of asking). He was controlling and undermining since the first DC was born and it gradually grew into full blown EA. Up to now he has had them alternate weekends. He still uses his outrageous temper to try to frighten me (always his weapon of first resort), and of course was/is absolutely outraged that I decided I'd had enough and had the strength to separate. He has been nothing but righteously vicious to me for years now.

But this? He will convert any objections I have into my selfishness. Shall I not bother saying anything at all? Can I make it positive? Is this the start of him distancing himself from the children... perhaps he will disappear almost entirely from their lives in a major fit of pique.

He will say he is merely providing for his children. But what on earth is he thinking? They will hardly see him. I am sad for them - they love him and they are without doubt the best things in his bitter, self-destructive life. As far as I'm concerned he can FRO. I think 'What a bastard. A fucking stupid one.'

Is there anything positive I can take from this - apart from the fact that I don't have to eyeball him nearly so often?

Poppy

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 01/01/2013 15:06

It's a plane ride, not an Antarctic expedition. >jk<

I'm sure he will be back and forth during holidays etc.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2013 15:06

"Can I make it positive?"

Sounds totally positive to me. You get rid of him & the DCs can settle down to a new, more stable routine in which Mr Angry won't feature at all. He thinks (with some justification) that you'll find this upsetting but I'm sure they'll be far happier seeing you relaxed and confident rather than frightened of his 'outrageous temper'. In your shoes I would take full advantage of his one year absence to get the access arrangements formalised to 100% you and 0% him.... deliberate abandonment, intimidation, aggression, instability... be creative.

Happy New Year.

Earlybird · 01/01/2013 15:06

He sounds awful, and imo, you are well rid.

Once you have taken a deep breath, and absorbed the latest bombshell - I bet you will slowly begin to feel relieved and maybe even slightly happy. The fact that he is so far away, yet will contribute financially, might work out for the best.

As he is prone to EA, bullying and has a horrid temper, it could be a very good thing that he will not be in your life (or that of your dc) on a regular basis. Stop being mad at him, and concentrate on building a new life for yourself and your dc. It will be much easier with him largely 'out of the picture'.

Have you got good friends and family around for emotional and practical support?

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