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Original poster

Not sure how to handle this

19 replies

threelittlebabies · 16/04/2006 23:32

Wondered if I could get some opinions on this please.
I am 27, soon to be 28, and have never known my Dad. He left my Mum when she found out she was pg, and never saw me when I was born. My mum never received any money from him and tbh that's how she preferred it- she has her pride does my mum Smile Anyway, she struggled to bring me up on her own, as many do, and I am really grateful to her for a lovely childhood and the great relationship we have.
I have known where my father lives since I was 18- it's about 5 minutes away! Shock From a friend who knows him I learned he was married and has a son 8 yrs younger than me. From time to time I thought about maybe getting in touch- say, if I have driven past and seen his wife or son outside- but as it always passes and it doesn't seem to be a burning issue, I thought it didn't matter that much to me. My Mum is fine about whatever I decide, btw, but would be angry if he rejected me (again).Now I have 3.5yo ds and 7mo dd, I wonder more and more about making contact, and how I would go about that without upsetting them all. I always wanted siblings, and would love my children to have an uncle in their lives.
Anyway, someone on here started a thread about looking up people on the electoral roll, with a link, so I clicked and looked him up. There was another name listed for his address- turns out he has 2 sons, the other is 6 yrs younger than me. So I have 2 half brothers.
I guess I am wondering if it is too late to make contact. I imagine he has not told his family about me (and he definitely does know I exist and am his). I naturally have some anger towards him, as my Mum had to go through everything alone, but still can't put meeting them all out of my mind. I am quite upset atm, have only just discovered older son's existence, and with children myself just wonder how when his son was born he could not feel anything for me, and what he was missing as a father.
Anyway- would really like some honest opinions as to whether it is likely to go tits up if I did initiate contact, and how it might be best to do so. Sorry this is so long, feel a bit Blush for baring my soul, but would like a bit of impartial advice. TIA to those who read this far!

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/04/2006 00:23

Well it could well be that he doesnt want to know. If it really is that important for you to contact him, then you can only try, but expect to be disappointed. If if works out well, then all the better.

I personally, wouldnt bother. Knowing what my mum went through (her dad walked out on her when she was very very young), she was consistently disappointed with any contact from her dad.

all4girlz · 17/04/2006 01:16

Hi there tlb,
I agree with vvv about prepare to be disappointed,

but would not let that put you off.

Do it in your own time maybe on your own terms, approach/ contact him and then see where it goes.
It could go really well but if you are expecting the worse you can be prepared for the worse although it might still hurt.
What a dilemma my thoughts are with you whatever you decide--he is missing a lovely daughter and beautiful grandchildren.

hugs and cuddles xx

puddytats · 17/04/2006 06:46

My father left us when i was 4. We Had no contact for about 10 years and then he suddenly decided he wanted to be a father. For me the time had past. He was a complete stranger. Mother had left us to make up our own minds, and never once said a bad word against him.
For me it was too little too late. We had a tempestuous relationship for a few years and then nothing. I have not spoken to him for over 12 years. My dh and children have never and will never meet him.
Sayind that i am glad in a way we had the chance to meet as i do not have any 'what ifs'. My 2 sisters still keep n contact with him. I just could not forgive him for abandoning us, especially since having children of my own. I understand that relationships fail but children should not be the ones who suffer or miss out. Saying that i have a fantastic step father who I love, he gave me away at my wedding (dad was not invited) and is 'buba' to my children.
Do what you feel you have to so you don't live with 'what ifs' but pleassebe be ready to e hurt. he has a family he might welcome you with open arms but he might not. Sorry its long. Hope it helps

ItalianJob · 17/04/2006 07:40

The bare bones of your situation is identical to mine. Difference being that my father died when I was ten, and I have no half-siblings (that I'm aware of)! I have considered approaching his family but have wussed out! My very first MN thread (under my old name, MummytoSteven) was on this very topic.

Having thought through this issue myself, I concluded that I wouldn't initiate contact myself; I would try and find an appropriate intermediary, primarily in the hopes that I would be sheltered from any bad reactions/rejection. Not quite sure who I would use as an intermeidary though I must admit, as Sally Army doesn't deal with cases where parents were unmarried. I then eventually wussed out- I thought that if my father was still alive, I would have made an effort to get into contact, but that since he wasn't, it wasn't worth the risk of rejection to try and get into contact with his family.

I agree with others that you need to be prepared to be given the cold shoulder. It's also not impossible that he will try to deny that he is your father. The one thing I would not do is doorstep him - if you want to try and contact him yourself, I would go for a letter rather than phone call - if he hasn't told his family aobut you, then it would likely to be a very awkward phone call from his end if his family are around.

best wishes whatever you decide.

allover · 17/04/2006 10:01

my brothers daughter has just got in touch with him, he hadn't seen her since she was 18 months old and she is now 27.

Her aunt made contact with one of my uncles who got in touch with us, I spoke to my brother to see if he wanted to meet her, and he did, they have been in touch for a couple of months, we've exchanged photos, and she has been to meet him and they have stayed in contact over the phone.

He was terrified, but it has gone well, and he is very proud to be her dad, long may it continue.

Original poster
threelittlebabies · 17/04/2006 11:48

Thank you for your replies. I think I am more interested in having contact with his sons, thus would be more upset by them rejecting me and the children. I feel ds and dd would be missing out by not having them in their lives now I know they exist, if that makes sense.

Thank you all for giving your experiences- VVV and puddytats telling me how it might not work is helpful to keep in mind. puddytats hit the nail on the head- if I didn't contact them, I would always be wondering what if.

allover thanks for telling me about a positive experience- I am under no illusions that it could be like that for me, but it is still nice to hear. IJ- thanks for the suggestions. Still undecided as to best approach. I should have said-I wrote him a letter when I was 21, but never had a reply obv. I thought he could have thrown it away (or his wife, without telling him) or he might not have received it. I wasn't even sure I had sent it to right address (his and neighbouring road both named after trees, got bit confused Blush)

I'm kidding myself aren't I? Wonder if he might feel differently having grandchildren now. Also worried about causing his family trouble, convinced he won't have told them. Or that they might think I want money or to cause trouble. Sigh......

OP posts:
Original poster
threelittlebabies · 17/04/2006 22:19

Ok, had a think, and a chat to my mum, and have decided to write him a short letter, but to get dh to go round and hand it to him- if he is not in he will make some excuse. That way I know he gets it, and if he doesn't contact me I will know it's because he doesn't want anything to do with us. Good idea, or not?

OP posts:
slartibartfast · 17/04/2006 22:48

Letter would give him time to think out a response - rather than having to think on his feet with meeting you directly.

A messenger at the door is harder to explain to his new family if they don't already know about you.

ItalianJob · 17/04/2006 22:51

i'm umming and aahing about the hand delivery aspect too. as on the one hand, if you feel assured that the letter has got to him, then if you get no response, you will feel you know where you stand. but then as slarti says, a messenger may look conspicuous. would you trust the mutual friend to pass the letter/a message on to your father?

Original poster
threelittlebabies · 18/04/2006 00:27

It's a friend of mine, but she only knows him to say hello to, maybe not even that anymore as their kids went to the same school. Damn it, thought I had worked it out! Was going to get dh to ask for him, either "X" (first name) or "Mr X", then if not in, say "Is this X Jones/ Y X's house" (different name IYSWIM) but is that just crap?
Do you know what, I just realised I don't want to just post him a letter because I KNOW he will ignore it, if I am being honest, and I want to force him to face up to me. Which I can't do, can I? Very very Sad

OP posts:
littlemisspiggy · 18/04/2006 11:20

Hi.
I think go for it. The hand-delivered letter I mean.
I was also brought up entirely by my mother as my father decided he would go back to his family when my mum was pregnant. He acknowledged me but never saw me. He died when I was about 2. Anyway, like you, my mum gave me a wonderful childhood and I wasn't too bothered about the way I had come about IYSWIM. But when I got to my thirties I couldn't help but contemplate and wonder about my half siblings(where they were and whether they knew about me, would they reject me if they did etc).To cut a long story short I met a cousin from my father's side by pure coincidence but she was able to help make contact with my siblings. It turned out that they did know about me and also wondered what had become of me. They have been very friendly and we keep in touch now (mostly on the phone).

All this to say that if you don't take the opportunity you might regret it or carry on wondering and be none the wiser. As you said even if it's too late for you it doesn't have to be for your kids. As long as you word your letter carefully and accept that you may be putting yourself up for disappointment and rejection you cannot really end up in a worse place than you are now. Your Dad already rejected you as a baby for whatever reasons he had then but many years have passed. You may have been in his thoughts and you may not have. He might have told his family and he might not have. But you will not really be taking anything away from them because you now have made your own life so they should not feel threatened.

I am rambling now but as I said at the beginning -
Go for it and best of Luck !!!!

lilstarry1 · 18/04/2006 11:48

Just thought I'd chime in... I've been through a kind of similar experience recently!

My dad left my mum when I was little (he cheated). He had sporadic contact for the first few years of my life, then nothing.. He reappeared when I was 13, and I saw him about 4 times over 5 years (to attend his wedding, his birthday party and his mothers funeral!). As a young person I always felt he should be the one making the effort, unfortunately he never did. I'm now 22 and a few weeks ago my cousin got in touch to let me know my father was in hospital with severe kidney failure/internal bleeding. At the time it didn't look good! It was a HUGE shock, although I had considered contacting him during my pregnancy.. I can't explain my reasons completely but despite him being a rubbish father I thought he deserved to know his only biological link had produced his first/only grandchild.
I ceased the opportunity and went to visit him in hospital.. My point is, life is terribly short sometimes and if you have the opportunity, you should cease it! BUT only when you have accepted what he did was in the past and that he may not be big enough/man enough to have you in his life! It is a sad fact, but not all men deserve to be fathers!!

I completely understand your desire to know your family, that is what motivated me... In my case I can't tell you whether it's been a success, my dad is still in hospital and I can't communicate with him very well... but at least he knows he has a GD and that I've moved on and am a better person, despite his continual muck ups!

If you want to talk, PM me.. I'd say if you want to write him a letter send it signed post, that way he has to sign for it and you know he'll have got it..It might be better just to call and ask to speak to him, it will be a shock for him as well as for you..

Good luck xxx

Original poster
threelittlebabies · 18/04/2006 22:56

Thanks lmp and lilstarry1, I think I have decided to do something about getting in touch with my father. Just not sure what. Only prob with recorded delivery type letter is that his wife could sign for it, open it, read it and throw it away and I would be none the wiser. Will have to give it some more thought.

OP posts:
LillyPink · 19/04/2006 13:01

Is there any way of finding out where he works to send the letter there?

Original poster
threelittlebabies · 19/04/2006 23:35

Yes I would do that, but not sure how to go about it. Any ideas? Smile

OP posts:
ItalianJob · 19/04/2006 23:43

only think I can think of other than pumping the mutual friend is to hire a private eye!

have you tried googling his name in case you get any useful info about him that way.

Original poster
threelittlebabies · 19/04/2006 23:51

Ooh no, off to do that now! Thanks IJ Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
threelittlebabies · 19/04/2006 23:55

No...naff all Quite a common name where he is from, so not an easy task! Thanks anyway Smile

OP posts:
alexsmum · 24/04/2006 00:02

if you know his address i would just post a letter there.it's very unlikely that his wife would open it and bin it.very unlikely.
a personal delivery makes it a bit too much...erm don't even know what but too much anyway.
i don't think you should think about his kids yet though.they may well not know you exist .
your lovely kids aren't missing out by not knowing them-they may be psycho axe murderers!
i would go for it but like everyone says-don't build your hopes up.

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