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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

did dh steal my voucher

26 replies

schooldays · 30/12/2012 22:17

this might sound like a no brainer but about 3 weeks ago i was out xmas shopping with dh. i had a 50 pound voucher for m&s since the summer and had been in a couple of times but not seen anything i had liked - so in a moment of madness/generousity (i say this becuase my dh is a tight as a you know what when it comes to money and sharing) i gave it to him and said if you see something for yourself use this. i went my own way to diff shops and we met up later. so the week before xmas i we were discusing gifts etc and i asked him if he used the voucher to buy my xmas pressie! he said no way he left it in the car never used it. i hadn't seen it and have searched since and no sign. he just insists thats where he left it - so i thought thats a shame its lost and kind of kicked myself for giving it to him in the first place. still never dawned on me that he would be lying about it.

then on xmas morning he gave me a pair of shoes as part of my gifts. said he had seen them on a (fashion proramme i like) and got them in debemhams. i havent looked at them or worn them since and didnt exactly study them at the time what with the madness of xmas mornign and all that.

then in a bolt of lightning last night i thought to myself the lying yoke used the voucher then lied about it. so looked at the shoes again and fully expected to see a debenhams sticker but there it was 'm&s woman'

so im sure its obvious but did he use the voucher? then lie???

obvious answer is to just ask him but he has lied about many things in the past so i feel there is no point. on the other hand due to all the previous lies i have often thought things about him that have turned out to be incorrect.

so i emailed m&s with the date i bought the voucher and have them the last 4 number of my cc that i paid with and asked if they could source the voucher number and see if it has been used.

am not expecting an immediate reply from them either way so in the meantime am filled with doubt.

dont say trust is an issue - i know that - just what do ye think? is he lying? and also do ye think M&s will be able to tell me if the voucher purchased on that date (as part of the transaction which i outlined to them with other items ) if it has been used? at least then i will know for sure he is lying.

feel awful - tears came to my eyes this mornign thinking about his lies and meanness but as i say he is an excellent liar so no point at all confronting him. i will get no closure from him directly

OP posts:

kinkyfuckery · 30/12/2012 22:20

You gave your husband a voucher to use, and he used it to buy a gift for you? Oh dears!

Then you sneak behind his back and email the company to see if you can catch him out? Seriously?

Sariah · 30/12/2012 22:21

Yes of course he is lying. why would the shoes have an m&s sticker on them if they werent bought there and where is the voucher? why is it not in the car where he left it?

DearOldWrinklyMum · 30/12/2012 22:21

If he says he bought them in Debenhams but the label says M&S then yes he's lying.

Doesn't in itself mean he used your voucher but it's looking likely...

PurplePidjChickIsNotTheMessiah · 30/12/2012 22:21

Does it matter? He's making you miserable

Fwiw I think he is - why tell you they're from debenhams when they've got m+s written on them?

Pantofino · 30/12/2012 22:21

You gave him the voucher and suggested he use it to buy your xmas present. He used it to buy your xmas present. Sounds likes your issues with him go deeper than vouchers, or you are making WAY too much of this.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 30/12/2012 22:23

I'm just not seeing the problem here.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 30/12/2012 22:23

I don't know why you are so worried about this voucher and going to the lengths you are going to to find out the truth about it.

You already know he's a liar.

And you think that he's the kind of cheapskate who would buy you a Christmas present with your own money!

I don't even know you but I know you deserve better than this. Make 2013 a better year for you and get rid!!

Shakey1500 · 30/12/2012 22:23

Maybe he meant M&S and got mixed up? And yes, just ask him. It is worth saying "just ask him" as tbh, that's the logical thing to do WELL before emailing the company (if at all)

Lueji · 30/12/2012 22:24

He didn't steal it, did he, though?

It all sounds very convoluted.

If he has a history of lying, this voucher should be the least of your worries, really.

izzyizin · 30/12/2012 22:27

The man's got form. And you're not as stupid as he obviously thinks you are otherwise he wouldn't persist in lying to you.

As I don't know how M&S operate their voucher systems I can't hazard a guess as to whether they'll be abe to confirm your suspicions - maybe someone who works for the company will read your thread and shed some light?

All I can say is that in my book, meanness and lies are grounds for divorce.

Why are you staying with a man who's not only mean but also can't be trusted? Have you thought about getting permanent closure by leaving the fucker?

Original poster

schooldays · 30/12/2012 22:35

i left him before and got back with him and man am i kicking myself now - its like if i can get proof that he is lying then i will have the final strenght i need to kick him out again. alot of what he did in the past was hard to prove - emotionally abusive behaviour so you think its yourself thats wrong or mistaken and i have learned and read alot about this - but still if i could just prove that he is a lying miserable sh*t for once and for all it would give me a huge push. we have small dc's so hard to walk away without concrete evidence that he is mental! because it is mental - he has loads of money (ps the shoes were horrible wouldn't wear them in a fit!!!!!!!!)

OP posts:

Original poster

schooldays · 30/12/2012 22:35

OP posts:

Shakey1500 · 30/12/2012 22:38

If he's making you so miserable you don't need "proof" to leave him.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 30/12/2012 22:40

Who do you need proof for? Who's going to be judging you on your decision?

CanonFodder · 30/12/2012 22:42

Am I the only one who doesn't see him buying her something with the voucher as a problem? They are married, so her money is his and visa versa, OP if you gave him the voucher and told him to spend it on something he liked and he then spent it on something he thought YOU'D like surely that's sweet??
if you feel you missed out on the voucher then ask him to give you it's value so you can go and spent it as he lost it? Or just take the money out of your account and spend it if you need.
The only bit that's wrong is his not admitting he used it, and then lying about where they were from. But perhaps he thought you were trying to catch him out and he'd be in trouble? either way it seems the dynamics of your marriage are not what they should be. You need to talk to one another and sort it out.

izzyizin · 30/12/2012 22:43

It sounds as if he's proved he's a lying miserable shit repeatedly - so why do you need to do so?

Regardless of whether he used your money to pay for them, the fact that he grabbed the first pair he saw got you shoes that you wouldn't deign to slip your tootsies into should be enough to convince you that he really doesn't give a toss about you.

MrsFlibble · 30/12/2012 22:44

exactly what Shakey said, if you dont wanna be with him, then leave him, why hold onto to cracks.

AnyFuleKno · 30/12/2012 22:47

Why does your thread title imply he stole the voucher when you say in your op that you gave it to him? Confusing

Original poster

schooldays · 30/12/2012 22:58

maybe 'stole' was the wrong word but i gave it to him to buy something for himself (cause i knew he would be too mean to buy himself a new jumper/shirt for xmas probably)
the stole word came in (maybe incorrectly) because of what i gave it to him for and because he lied about not spending it, because he lied about leaving it in the car (specifically beside the handbrake) etc etc -
only possible explanation is that he bought me shoes in m&s with cash - got mixed up with the shops and said debenhams on xmas day instead of m&s (they are in the same shopping centre)- that he did leave the voucher beside hand brake and one of the kids put it somewhere. possible but unlikely!
whatever people think - i need proof before i throw my marraige away and my dc's lives as they know it. i know i dont need to prove it to anyone else but for myself i do need that finality. hopefully m&s will be able to provide the info -
bonkers i dont deny it! but after years of being emotionally confused by this man i need finality

OP posts:

Shakey1500 · 30/12/2012 23:01

Perhaps he lied (before xmas day) because he wanted to surprise you? Throw you off the scent, make you think he hadn't spent it on you etc etc? Then got the store name muddled?

Eitherway, there are obviously major issues, hope you get the answers you want.

porridgelover · 30/12/2012 23:08

I think some on here are forgetting that once you have been gaslighted (and I take it you are familiar with what that is) your belief in your own judgement is skewed.
I think what you are actually asking is for other people to confirm your suspicions, though I doubt anything we say will be sufficient for you.

I hope you get the proof you are looking for.

Which or whether, you know that this is not a marriage. You will not be throwing one away. And most likely you will be doing your DS a favour by bringing them up in an environment less poisonous.

Original poster

schooldays · 30/12/2012 23:10

gaslighted??

OP posts:

porridgelover · 30/12/2012 23:37

Gaslighting.

Making you doubt your own own judgement or version of events. Here.

He says he didnt use the voucher. He says he left it in a specific spot. He says he bought your gift in a specific shop. He has form for lying to you.
A lot of what he did in the past is hard to prove. etc etc

TranceDaemon · 31/12/2012 00:17

How many times has he already proved that he is a liar though? How many times is enough? If he has been EA in the past, you don't need any proof, though I understand why you think you do. It won't change anything though either way. He has been abusive, he is a liar and you can't trust him.

Your kids are not a reason to stay, they are the best reason to leave.

izzyizin · 31/12/2012 01:00

Your marriage is fit for the bin and your dc deserve a lot more than the toxic environment they're living now.

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