Should I tell the Ex?

[jmiller171]

Hi. I am new to mumsnet but have come across it googling my current circumstance for clues. My situation is that I?m separated from my husband of 12 years after he had an affair. I have two children aged 6 and 9. We live alone and they see their father on an agreed rota system which gives them a familiar routine and seems to work ok. About 12 months ago, new years eve in fact I met someone else. We have been seeing each other when we can, though I have not introduced him to the children yet. I feel ready to and have done for some time, but I am concerned about how my ex will react and worried it will destabilise the current arrangement and negatively impact them.
I think they would be great about it and ready to accept it, but having been through so much disruption in the past couple of years I?m worried that their father?s insecurities about them having another male influence will end up in further emotional trauma for them. He has a track record of being awkward about change and I don?t want them to go through it again.

On the other hand, it will be a year tomorrow since I met my new partner and it seems unreasonable to continue without giving some more commitment and involving him more in the rest of my life.

Any advice from people who have been in a similar situation would be welcome!

Ideally you should be able to tell anyone you like about your new relationship and your ex should be reasonable enough to respect you and accept it. However, if he's an awkward type, I think you need to limit the damage your ex can do first. You don't mention a divorce and - if it's not underway already - that may be the way forward. Formalise contact arrangements and any financial support first, then advise about your new boyfriend perhaps.

Does your ex know you are dating?

Blimey, he's got a cheek, hasn't he? He had an affair while you were married yet years on you can't have a boyfriend?

Get that divorce sorted - clearly he feels he has a hold on you while you're technically still married.

I think all you need to tell him is he lost any right to feel any way about who you choose to be with the day he thought it acceptable to shove his dick repeatedly into another woman, despite being married to you.

but I appreciate you want to be the bigger person so probably wouldn't do that.

Personally I would tell him. So he doesn't hear it through the kids. However if hr starts moaning keep reminding him that at least you waited until your marriage was over.

Is he still with ow?

I think I love you hecate

Op your ex is like mine. I found it better to bite the bullet and tell him, although I had no choice because we were getting married.

Well have bitten the bullet too. Early days but we will see. Thanks for all of your input

How did he take it?

My Ex and I have an agreement that we will tell each other when we start seeing someone else, mostly because we live in a small village, and it wouldn't be nice to hear it from someone else, or bump into each other.

So far though it seems like a long way off.

I am nervous as to how he will react when the time comes, so it would be interesting if you don't mind to know how your ex responded.

I think it came as a surpise to him. He was clearly arrogant enough to assume that I was happy to raise his children and be single whilst remaining heart broken over him. I don't think he saw it coming and I suppose I didnt give him any reason to. He was angry at first, though has since calmed down, followed by a million questions about my new partner and his suitability to have involvement with the children. Took me to point out that whilst I want to involve him and for him to feel comfortable with it, it's actually not his choice or decision but mine, and that he lost the right to have such influence in how I choose to raise them the day he left me for another woman. It's a relief, and whilst I appreciate that there are always pro's and con's I feel more comfortable dealing with the consequences of honesty rather than creeping around and lying omission.
Good luck with yours, I never thought I'd find myself separated let alone starting something new, so whilst it may feel like a long way off, it may as easily be just around the corner for you also.

I hope the meeting between your DC and your not-so-new man goes well - you deserve happiness.

Thank you jm. I'm glad it has gone relatively smoothly for you. My Ex is also an arrogant twat at times so we shall see how that goes when the time comes. I think it may still be a way off for me though, but i'm ok with that. I'm enjoying finding myself again

All credit to you for waiting a year in order for your dc's to settle. I'm always reading on here of exes who think it's acceptable to play happy families with their new woman (usually) within weeks and the official advice is there's nothing the other parent can do about it apart from seethe.