Dh and I have been together for 16 years and have 2 dds (6 and 4). Generally we have a good relationship. For the first 10 years I (and he) had a good relationship with his parents. They lived 200odd miles away so we saw them infrequently.
Just before having dds we moved west to be nearer to them. Following the birth of dd1, my relationship with them became quite fractured. In the first year or so I felt they were critical of how we were bringing up dd1. They repeatedly told me I was holding her wrong, feeding her wrongly, that they didn't want the kind of grandchild who followed a routine, they didn't want her to be girly (she is just loves pink, and I don't really care), we didn't blow her nose enough and they said to her on a number of occasions that 'they were the only ones who cared about her, Mummy doesn't even wipe your nose/feed you/put you down to sleep at the right time.' I was probably being too PFB with dd and was probably being oversensitive to their remarks. DH told me I was being oversensitive . I laughed it off mostly but eventually hated seeing them and resented having to see them every other weekend. However I was concerned that the relationship was deteriorating and eventually after months of persuading asked dh to intitate a discussion with them of which I was part. It went well and we all understood better where each other were coming from and things really improved.
This year I have been very very ill, bedridden for 5 months and housebound for 8, feeling really dreadful almost all the time. I am still very limited but am improving slowly. My parents in-law have been kind enough to look after my 4 year old two days per week, every other week (alternating with my Mum). I am extremely grateful for them for doing this. I really really am and I have thanked them every day they are here.
However they have treated me really quite nastily. They have never asked about my health even just a 'how are you?' and they have made many many suggestions that I just need to pull myself together (I have been diagnosed with ME by a neurologist so I know its not just that). For many months I could not walk further than 10 metres (currently still only about 100m) and during that time they would sit my daughters down right at the bottom of the garden with their picnic tea where I couldn't reach them, i think to push me into walking further (It didn't work, they sat having their picnic and I sat crying by the back door). They have said ' you're problem is that you need to go out and have a long walk' on at least 3 occasions and ''aren't you walking into town?' and they kept telling me how upset my dds were that I couldn't get to school to pick them up. They have pushed me into going to a cafe (and I was stupid to go) following which I collapsed.
I am under a consultant neurologist and neurophysiotherapist and so have followed their advice instead and I have slowly improved. It has been and continues to be a long, hard, awful fight to get better. My in-laws express disbelief when I tell them that the medics are pleased with my progress.
I have decided in the New Year that the disadvantages outweigh their help and I cannot take it any longer. There has been a subsequent improvement in my health (yay!!) which i think could be related.
I have accepted this behaviour really because I have been too ill to even function at a basic level let alone confront anyone and also because it is very kind of them to help us two days every other week.
I have expressed to dh how awful this situation is for me (and cried many times) and how last time we had a problem between them and us that once we had a frank conversation, things were resolved and the relationship was saved and improved hugely. He has told me I am being oversensitive and focussing on the things they've done to me when I should be thankful that they are helping us. He will not talk to them about it. Perhaps I should do it myself, but I feel very fragile and vulnerable still.
Now I think there is a big problem between dh and I. I do not want to be in a position to cause problems in his family but I cannot just forget how they treated me. But I think our worst problem is that I keep on seeing him as this weak person who is scared of his family and won't put my needs as high as theirs. I know that I would pull up one of my family if they spoke to him like that (normally, when I'm healthier)
He says Im being overdramatic and negative and that we are not in the Victorian era where he has to defend me. He says this is just part of the ups and downs of family life.
I'm sorry this is so long. I just needed to get it down. I am hardly able to see my friends in RL so I am desperate for some advice really as I feel like I'm going mad. Perhaps I am just being oversensitive because I don't really have much of a life any more (I don't mean that for sympathy, it just might be the case). Thanks for reading it all!!