Finding it a struggle to adapt to living together (sorry a bit long)

[Meikyo]

DP and I have been together for 2.5 years. Both been married and divorced (DP 10 years ago, me 4.5 years ago). I lived on my own with one DC (10) for 4.5 years and DP had his own home which his 2 (late teens) DC visited regularly. He sold that over a year ago and rented a flat close to my home.

DP and I decided to rent a new place together. MY DC lives with us and sees her Dad (ex H) often. I still own my home and have managed to rent it out. DPs teens are lovely and visit and stay with us regularly. My DC got to know DP and his DC well over the last couple of years and we have all had hols etc together - so feel we have built up to living together well. My DC and DP/his DCs get on very well indeed.

The house we are renting is a decent size and in a good area so no problems there. We have each brought our own stuff with us so there are familiar things around.

We have been in our home for about 2 months and tbh I am finding it a bit of a struggle. I can't say it is any one big thing, but I think it boils down to me feeling the loss of my independence. I don't mean financially (I work FT and earn enough) but in little things like bit overwhelmed by the need to compromise on things like meal times, food tastes, slightly different approaches to housework, how much heat the house needs, working around other people's plans for the day etc. Maybe I have become too used to just having myself and DC to consider over 4 years. I find it frustrating.

We have also just had various of DP's other family members (parents etc) to stay over Christmas. My parents have passed away so none of my family to stay. DP's family celebrate Christmas Eve as well and have special foods for this which neither DC nor I enjoy. We did happily participate and I ate the food...! However, I ended up feeling over the whole Christmas period that I was a guest in DP's house rather than being in my own home as everything revolved around how he and his family celebrate. I helped prepare the meals, did loads of food shopping, cleared up etc but felt like a guest rather than a host. They are quite formal and like things done in a certain way (e.g. watch the Queen at 3pm then no more TV for day, how the table is set, decorated, timing of drinks..cocktails then wine etc).

I find some of this fun, but other aspects stifling - for me and DC, Christmas is about relaxing and having nice food, company and chilling out as we work hard. Planning to have a chat with DP soon about how I am feeling.

Obviously this is "one sided" because it's only from your point of view but it sounds as if it's you doing the compromising? Just because his family likes things a certain way doesn't mean they have to be that way in your joint home.

Is he doing things to accommodate you?

Thanks Belle,

I just needed a bit of a rant...not so sure if I am cut out for living together...i really resonate with the thread about the best bits of being single. We have both lived on our own for a long time and both of us like to be "in charge" so both are having to compromise. As long as the good outweighs the bad then its ok.

Two months isn't that long though and I think everyone goes through a period of readjustment. Perhaps it would have been better to have had your first Christmas in your new home as just you and the DCs. Next year, I suggest you talk about it beforehand and decide how you would like things to be and work it into the overall day so that you are both happy.

Tinker, I think you are right - that is what we should have done in retrospect.

Christmas time is when it all comes to a head. Not a good time to be evaluating things or making decisions that have serious consequences.

I always feel less than loving towards my dh when I have to cater for his loud and noisy family.

Give it a month at least, after things settle down, and decide again whether living together is for you.

A lot of pressure on you, moving in after such a period of independence, then straight into Christmas.

It's a difficult time to deal with family/traditions v's needs at the best of times, with people who have been in the same house for years.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with opening a conversation on how Christmas went, highlights and lowlights.

Or perhaps to say, thank you for introducing me to your Christmas traditions this year, perhaps next year we could show you how we do Christmas......and then maybe take it in turns each year?

Or suggest a holiday away next year.?