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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I looked at another man. Does this mean I don't love my dp enough?

17 replies

Bumpstart · 29/12/2012 23:22

Just that really. I do love my dp, but our relationship is not easy. We have been together for 10 years. Over the xmas party season I saw someone I have hardly seen for about 8 years, who I used to like when we were younger. My heart pounds when I see him. I know this is a crush, and since I won't be acting on it or seeing him again, I don't have any dilemma about it. . . Just that if I can feel that way about someone else does it mean my relationship with dp is doomed?

Any experience or advice welcome.
Thanks.

OP posts:

lalalonglegs · 29/12/2012 23:25

I'd say it matters diddly squat and that you are being perfectly normal having a crush on someone that you used to find attractive and haven't seen for years. Have you really never felt attracted to anyone but your partner in the past eight years?

wavesgoodbye · 29/12/2012 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZZZenAgain · 29/12/2012 23:31

I looked at another man yesterday. I found him incredibly attractive, witty, good natured and the frisson was there. We got on brilliantly, I thought he was gorgeous. These things happen. If there were only one man out there in the world who would attract you, what would the chances be of many of us getting together with a man? It doesn't mean your marriage is doomed if you happen to meet another man who seems wonderful

Dottiespots · 29/12/2012 23:34

As the other ladies have said.....!!!! If you and your oh had split up and you didnt see him for 8 years and then you saw him accross a crowded room, your heart would probably pound and you would feel excited too. Its just that sometimes we take each other for granted and maybe this is a signal for you to do a bit of reading and find ways to relight the fire and passion in your relationship. Thats all.

ratbagcatbag · 29/12/2012 23:35

God I hope not, I'm terrible, have crushes on tv characters and rl people allllll the time, I'd never do anything with any of them , I love my DH deeply, it's just nice to have a distraction at work etc sometimes. :)

Original poster

Bumpstart · 29/12/2012 23:44

Thank you for your replies. No, this is not the first time I have been attracted to someone else, I have felt it once or twice since we got together. It is not like having a crush on a celeb, because we spent loads of time together when we were in our teens and twenties, so we know each other really well, and have loads of things in common. . . Especially some of the things I do not have in common with dp. It is a very powerful pull. We had a great time together at a party and I can't stop thinking about him. I haven't felt like this for years, and I feel sad that these feelings are not an ongoing part of my relationship with dp.

Is it really possible to feel this type of excitement with someone you have been with for 10 years? I feel all sorts of things for my dp, desire, warmth, admiration, respect, wanting to be close, irritation, annoyance too! But not what I feel for this other man.

OP posts:

suburbophobe · 29/12/2012 23:46

You sound very young and naive if you think it's not normal to look at other people. It's called "people watching".

It's also normal to look when someone comes up behind you. Or any which way. That is our survival mechanism kicking in.

Why would your relationship be "doomed" if you just have a normal interest in people around you, even if you know them from before? Are you not allowed to talk to anyone?
Does your DP control you? Jealousy?

ZZZenAgain · 29/12/2012 23:48

it makes you feel young and happy again, of course it has a strong pull. YOu might feel a bit like that with dh if you got together with some fun people you knew 10 years ago and had a good laugh, transports you back to another time

suburbophobe · 29/12/2012 23:50

From your OP I just think your relationship has run its course after 10 years.

Best thing is to start being honest with yourself (and therefore your DP).

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 29/12/2012 23:51

What is it that is "not easy" about your current relationship, OP?

AnnieLobeseder · 29/12/2012 23:57

What? Do we all turn in our hormones, eyes and emotions when we settle down with someone? Of course not! Lusting after another man isn't remotely unusual. It's all about what you do with the emotions.

It sounds to me like you feel your life is in a bit of a rut, and not necessarily just with your DP. And the emotions this other person stirs in you have reminded you that life used to be more exciting.

So you have a few choices. I would suggest making your life more exciting, with your DP. Take up a new hobby, invest in some sex toys - whatever takes your fancy. Even if he's not up for it, try something new and exciting on your own - skydiving, bungee jumping, a cycling holiday round China for Charity.

Just for heaven's sake don't act on this crush, unless you seriously want to end it with your DP. And then do the decent thing and end it with him first.

Original poster

Bumpstart · 29/12/2012 23:59

Yes, I know what you mean, zen, we always have a great time when we go on holiday, but it's the daily grind of long shifts, busy lives and not much money that get us stressed and unhappy. That's the 'not easy' part. Also that we both have interests that are not in common.

Suburbophobe, I don't really get what you are saying, first you say it's normal to look at people, then that my relationship is over. don't know what to make of you really. Can you tell us about your experiences of having a sudden and powerful crush on someone when in a long term relationship?

OP posts:

Original poster

Bumpstart · 30/12/2012 00:03

Annie, thank you for your post, it really speaks to me. I think there are a few things we can do to shift out of this rut, thanks for making me feel like I am normal.

P.s. I wouldn't dream of acting on this.

OP posts:

AnnieLobeseder · 30/12/2012 00:09

Bump, I suspect suburbophobe is extrapolating from her own life. But then that's just speculation on my part. I'm glad I could help.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 30/12/2012 00:17

Enjoying a bit of attention from someone other than your partner is pretty normal. However, if you find your relationship with your DP boring, stressy, distant and you have nothing in common on too regular a basis then I'd say it is in trouble and needs attention - obviously from both of you rather than you thinking it's entirely your fault. If your long-term relationship is not meeting your emotional/physical needs but leaving big gaps those needs will be filled by substitutions. It then becomes almost immaterial whether those substitutions include looking for affection from other men, spending too long at work, pursuing separate hobbies or eating too many cream cakes... taken to excess they can all become destructive. It's all a question of balance.

izzyizin · 30/12/2012 00:20

I feel all sorts of things for my dp, desire, warmth, admiration, respect, wanting to be close, irritation, annoyance too! But not what I feel for this other man

That's because you haven't been with the other man for 10 years. And it could be that he'd have royally pissed you off after 10 days/weeks/months.

Having lots of interests in common is not necessarily the harbinger of a long-term relationship. IMO it's healthier for a couple to have some interests that they engage in separately because living in a man's each other's pockets can rapidly engender the type of familiarity that breeds contempt.

badinage · 30/12/2012 01:55

I doubt it's this bloke you're crushing on.

It's your younger self you've got a crush on.

Before you got ground down with shiftwork, kids and money worries.

If these crushes keep happening, it might be a warning sign that your relationship needs a kick up the arse, but I think crushes on old flames are only ever about giving you a kick up the arse to realise some of the dreams you put on hold when life felt full of promise.

Crushes sometimes mean nothing, but sometimes they mean something.

Not always about your relationship, but about you.......

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