I have ruined my mother's life (allegedly)

[RockinD]

I've been googling and found lots of stuff about adult children deciding to cut off all contact with parents, but I can't find anything about parents cutting off all contact with adult children and, by extension, their grandchildren.

I had hoped there might be a forum, where there might be some support, but I can't find one.

This is my situation and I have spent another miserable Christmas still trying to get my head round it.

DM has mental health issues which have never been tackled or treated, which resulted in physical adn verbal abuse throughout my childhood. She blames me for the breakdown of her marriage, although I was only six at the time, and despite my successful career and lovely children, she felt that I had ruined her life and shown no remorse (her words). There has now been no contact for years and she has treated every attempt to make contact as a personal attack.

I am an only child and there are no other relatives, so there is no-one to mediate between us.

I tried to have some therapy some years back to try to resolve this issue in my own mind, but I was uncomfortable with the therapist, so she probably wasn't right for me, and I stopped going.

Most of the time I am OK with this - I know the marriage breakdown could not have been my fault, but at Christmas it's always more difficult and I am really struggling now.

I know adult children cut off their parents regularly, for all sorts of reasons, but I can't imagine ever doing it to my children and I just wondered how common it is.

its not unheard of. though I don't think there are specific forums that I have seen, sites like daughters of narcissistic mothers I think had members in the same position and I think it is recognized in those kinds of sites.

I think for people like your mother it is a way to remain in control. if you can afford more therapy and find a therapist that suits you I think it would be worth it.

one of the things abusive parents are good at is keeping their behaviour a secret within the family and making you feel isolated, or the only one to be experiencing this. one of the best way s I found to make myself feel part of the wider world was to discuss it. I found I was amazed by the numbers of people in similar if not identical positions.

you haven't caused this but you can take back control of the situation by not contacting her and living your life completely independent of her and her behaviour. and you're right there is no way anyone sane or reasonable would hold you responsible for ending her marriage especially at such a young age.

My gran (undiagnosed Personality Disorder) cut off contact with her eldest child (my dad) when I was 8, and my siblings were 2 years old and 4 months old.

We didn't see nor hear from her until I was in my mid-teens and from then she has swung between 'I love my grandkids so much' to letters calling us "showers of shites" and badmouthing our dad as a way to worm into our minds.

Dad has nothing do with her as she's told him to not contact her.

When I became an adult and had my own children I decided to never see her.

It is hard for my dad. He doesn't talk about it, but I can see esp at birthday's and Christmas that it's hard for him.

At the risk of sounding like JK, there are some issues u just cannot resolve and i think this is one of them. U can either chooose to have stress n regrets about it for the rest of your life or decide to draw a line and move on. It wasnt your fault, u know it wasnt your fault, so live your life guilt free and enjoy your own lovely children xx

I think the relationships part of mumsnet has really helped me with not having contact with my mum. I had a lot of trouble this time last year and reading other threads and writing stuff down really helped me. Perhaps you could try another counseller that you feel more comfortable with.

It's certainly hard to deal with but try talking on here ? It might help

I agree with boardie. My dad cut off contact with me when I was in my early 20s. It took a long time to come to terms with everything, but I eventually came to the realisation that having him in my life was more painful than not. I had to keep reminding myself that, growing up, I was the child and he was the grown up. The responsibility was with him, not me. You must find your way to move on with you own family and leave the guilty feelings behind xxx

My mum brings up things 40 years ago from the past especially concerning my social phobia. I'm 51, an only child and live with her for financial reasons. She said I've ruined her life by being 'scared' everywhere socially. I've just applied for therapy, but she pulls me up almost every day. I try to dodge her shouting, but it's making me miserable. She's also bitter as I've not given her grandchildren. What do you do with someone like this? I only do socially what I'm comfortable with and she hates it! 😢😢 She said I've ruin life and her IBS and acid reflux is because of me.