Rant alert. Have I wasted the past 7 years of my 'youth?'

[Saltytomato]

Sorry if this is a bit ranty....

Background, my DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 1.5. I am 27, he is 36. We moved to the UK together when I was 20, a few months after getting together. We have recently had a baby together and I think that has highlighted for me how selfish he is.

My DS is 7 months old and my DH has changed his nappy about 3 times. He has done 2 night feeds and then slept in until about 10am. I constantly ask for help, but even that makes him annoyed and I get, "can't you just do it?". He needed to do some work from him this weekend and asked me to put DS to bed 2 hours earlier than usual so I could help him. I actually out my foot down and said no and now he is saying that I need to stay up until 12am and help him (after looking after DS all day and then I will wake up at 4/5am for DS's night feed).

Looking back I can see that this is how he has always been. He got me fired from my last job because he got mad that I wouldn't leave early and bombarded me with emails, knowing my boss would see, until I gave in and left early.

He banned me from going on Facebook, even though it is my only way of contacting friends in my home country. I finally stood my ground and he has told me that if he sees any exes on there he will flip and basically background checks any guy friends on there.

He hates my mum and says that he doesn't want to move home cos he doesn't want to have to see her. He calls her all sorts of names.

To clarify, I have never cheated. I have probably been out 5 times without him in the past 7 years. He gets mad if I suggest going out and brings up the one time I stayed out all night ( at a girlfriends place cos it was too late to get a train home) and basically says he doesn't trust me, even though I don't even look at other guys cos he would get mad.

I love my son to bits and am so grateful to have him, but I feel like I have wasted my youth on my DH. I want to go back home, but he has this unrealistic sum of money in his head that he refuses to go home until we have. I would go home tomorrow if I could. I have only friends from mums groups cos I guess he sees them as harmless.

He yells at me, calls me names and swears, although he has been getting better. He says he loves me and buys me crazily expensive presents for Christmas and my birthday and sometimes for no reason. But this is probably so we never reach the target amount to go home!

I feel like I am in turmoil. Please offer some advice. Is this EA?

Thanks,

I think you need to consult a lawyer or CAB at least before making plans to leave the country on a one-way ticket, you might not be allowed to take the baby. Sorry to sound so negative, but better to check.

He's abusive. I'm sorry you have had to endure this. You'd be doing your son a great favour if you split. Please get advice from Women's Aid/a solicitor about taking your son home, though - as this could be seen as abduction.

Or try asking on MN Legal Matters board. You'll have to name your country of origin though.

Thanks for all your replies. I could list so many more of his traits, but it seems like you all think he is EA.

I have spoken to him about divorcing before and he said I could take half the savings and 'fuck off'. But I think that is just to see if I will go and if I did try then I'm afraid things would get nasty.

The reason him and my mum don't get on us because mum can see his true colours and has told me what she thinks. He cannot win her over so he hates her.

So, going back to the beginning, how soon can you leave? What are your plans for the new year?

You definitely need to get away from this horrible man. You don't need his permission to leave him, and a good solicitor will help you get a fair financial settlement from him. Get your plans in place and then move out, leaving him a note (it's sometimes a good idea to inform the DV unit at the local police station that you are leaving him because he is abusive, so that if he tries to get them to track you down, they will ignore him - you will not be forced to return, you are a human being, not a lost dog.) Don't give him any advance warning, as controlling men escalate their abuse when they see their victim growing strong, and he might attack you physically.

How are you op?

I'm ok, thanks.

Just really don't know what to do! I know what I should do, it's just so hard.

I have a cold and feel like crap and he is on holiday and he still refuses to get up and do a night feed. He said if he did the he wouldn't want to drink any champagne tonight cos he would be too tired. He will expect me to stay up with him getting pissed though! That's not going to happen. I'll sit there feeling miserable.

I guess I'm just so scared of doing it alone though. My DH has a very well paid job and I am a SAHM, however I am still on maternity leave and have a feeling that my work might make some accommodations for me to return half working from home or something so I could look after DS too...

DH does not want me to go back to work, but I think I might need to! If only to have some financial independence.

Whatever you do, under no circumstances should you give up your job.

This nasty fucker already lost you one job so he could keep you under his thumb.

If you are trapped at home and relying on him for money, your life will be even more shit.

You need to see a lawyer to see about getting yourself home.

I could potentially leave in a few weeks. I know this sounds terrible, but he is getting a 20k bonus at the end of Jan, wnich I could halve and help put towardssetting myself up in a rental or something. He works from home most days, but when he is in the office sometime I could go.

Then start making your plans now. Look out important documents (birth/marriage certs, driving licence, passports, bank statements etc) and hide them away. Start looking at a rental place for you and ds, talk to your employers... A new year is about to start, a new life is yours for the taking.