You know you live with complete cnut when...

[kittybiscuits]

...you find out he just ordered a book called 'That Bitch: Protect Yourself Against Women with Mailicious Intent about 'is the small number of women with NO conscience who target innocent men and women with TOO MUCH conscience. These women see their victims as having a character flaw that is there to be exploited. The book explores the lying, cheating, conniving and manipulation of women with malicious intent. What are the everyday tricks of their tyrannical trade? How she claims to be the victim when she is the aggressor.'
I am so shocked. Have put up for years with his drinking, lies, passive aggressive nonsense, turning my teenager onto me and using her as his bully by proxy. I wish I had left him the first time he strayed. He has lied in couples therapy 'kitty I can't believe you're saying I used to drink every day - I never did that' NO, ONLY for 17 FUCKING YEARS! Grrrr. How will I ever get out of this shit situation, where he denies any role in it whatsoever, has lied to his family, my family, neighbours, friends. Plays the innocent everyday and constantly says I am paranoid. Anyone who has managed to extricate themselves from this kind of bastard, please advise.

*Anyway, not anyone.

Thanks for wise guidance.i will see a solicitor. Am going to view some properties next week. I have posted before about how hard it is to stay angry. I think he senses when I am angry enough to leave, then he starts to play happy families...oh how could you want to break this up? And now he has a book called 'that bitch' to spur him on. Fuck it, my life is worth more than this. There's noone else, btw. It would be 40 years or so before I would contemplate that!

I'd print the book title out in large letters and post it somewhere you can see it all the time. May help you stay narked enough to see it through this time and help you resist his conveniently timed charm offensives. Good luck with property and solicitors etc.

Haha. He had a period of recording all of our conversations.....but obviously I could tell what he was doing, because he was being 'nice' and that completely gave the game away. He doesn't speak to me - civilities only!

Sorry, crossed posts. Thanks oldminnie x When he said previously that he knew I would try to stop him seeing the girls because 'i haven't got a dad so i don't want them to have one', I told him that the only issue that would prevent him from seeing the girls is his alcoholism. Since then - 18 months or so, he has stopped drinking every day. He had been drunk since his early teens.

Actually his buying that book would make me laugh. He really does see himself as a victim, doesn't he?

Your elder child is a worry. At the age of 15 she'll be difficult to deal with, but then she is now, isn't she?

It seems the only way your younger child will be normal is to keep her away from the others.

FWIW I told my children that they would be living with me. I said they had no choice. A 9 year old shouldn't have the choice.

It may be better if you agree that your 15 year old lives with your partner. Imagine how they will piss each other off. It is probably the quickest way to become close to her. I doubt she would live with him for long before realising what he's like. If you force her to stay with you now she'll be even more trouble. She may well escape that by becoming pregnant or living with a boy when she's 16.

Kitty trust me, it does not matter what anybody else thinks of him, only what you do. You do not need his permission to seperate from him nor anyone else. You do not need to have a reason to leave that he will accept. The very fact that you are so unhappy is reason enough to leave. Do not waste your energy trying to get him to see your side, nor waste your dnergy and time trying to prove to anyone else what he is like.

Get yourself to a solicitor to get good practical and financial advice and make real plans to leave him. You do not need to discuss this with him yet until you have had good legal advice.

Take positive action for yourself.

Kittybiscuits you are me four years ago although my dc where 14 and 10 my exh is also a heavy drinker from his teens and I think is a functioning alcoholic.

My ds had started to say things that had come out of his df mouth belittling me and grinding me down. Although no matter how hard I tried it was never enough until I said that's it I can't live like this anymore you will have to go..

When exh left it was hell what my son put me through but now four years later we have a great relationship.

And even though df buys all the expensive gifts for my dc they can now see for themselves what their df is like...

I agree with imperialblether your teen will soon get fed up with living with their df especially if he is the heavy drinker you say he is. My teens come back regularly from staying with their df saying how much he drinks. My dd came back from her two week holiday with her df and cried for a whole day about how much he drinks.

Once these men live on their own they have no one to help moderate their drinking so really drink to excess.

I am now really happy and feel so free to think and feel what I feel. And not have someone constantly playing mind games with me 24/7.....

Believe me when I say you will be happy when you get away from this man it will be hard at first but it will all be so worth it. (((hugs)))

He fits the resume of a psychopath.

Google the Hare checklist. You may recognise him.. and if you do, you need to leave. < you need to leave anyway >

Thanks twiggy, imperial, trust and everyone who shared thoughts and experiences. You're really kind. I don't know why it's so scarey but it is. And it's so hard to trust myself. I am like a completely different person away from home. I have a lot of responsibility in my work and there is a lot of trust in my judgement. Here everything I have said for years has been rubbished and twisted and trampled all over. If he died, I would know 100% I could manage. But it's like kicking out my own child. Tonight, maybe sensing something was different about me, he cooked, spoke to DD1 about how she was speaking to me. All will be quiet. Until there next time. And yes, I have the image of that book in my head, which I won't forget in a hurry.

christmaswhine I'm not sure about psychopathy. Have been strongly thinking passive aggressive personality disorder. It's so hard to see clearly what is right in front of me though.

I will be able to see a solicitor in the next ten days. I need to keep all my thoughts to myself for now. Thanks for kindness x

Kitty you really need to work out what it is about your current situation that is preferable to the alternative. Something is keeping you there, to the detriment of your kids. For all the sympathy you've had on here, you do need to take responsibility for your own decisions, that have adversely affected your children. Sometimes people in your situation get curiously attached to being a victim and getting sympathy - it's safer than feeling responsible for your own life.

If you stay a victim and don't work out why you prefer to be one than an independent woman, then you'll still be there in years to come. This isn't just your life that's being ruined.

Just updating: all has been quiet and fairly amicable here since my last post. And really that is part of the difficulty - that things flare up in a really horrible and unacceptable way for the whole family, and then all is quiet and 'normal' for days or weeks, because I obviously would have been long gone if I was subject to constant abuse.

I find your comments interesting badinage , re being attached to being a victim and seeking sympathy. I feel very isolated in rl when things become difficult. On this occasion I turned to Mumsnet for support. I would say I struggle with keeping an overview of the situation and with self esteem, which affects my expectations of the relationship and what I think I deserve.

Thanks mumsnetters for your support on a really horrible day. I think there is another thread I would like to join on here. I don't have much privacy around internet use and I would not want to be snooped on and have my comments read. That is something I will need to work out. Thanks for your guidance :)

"And really that is part of the difficulty - that things flare up in a really horrible and unacceptable way for the whole family, and then all is quiet and 'normal' for days or weeks, because I obviously would have been long gone if I was subject to constant abuse."

That's intentional on his part and absolutely standard behaviour. In time while he's on the "Mr Nice" phase you'll find yourself doubting your own memories of the bad times, and in the bad times you'll remember Mr Nice & think it's worth putting up with the bad for the good times. THIS IS PART OF THE EA SCRIPT. Re-read the thread, every word you've written about his behaviour shows he isn't going to change just get even worse over time, and read the advice from the other posters.

Also try reading your OP as detached as you can, trying to imagine some other woman has written it & then think what your reaction to her plight would be.

I'm already in that place allergic. But when I 'can't remember' what went wrong I do force myself to sit and recall events so I have a reality check. I sometimes write things down and also revisit texts and emails I've sent him over the years. To be fair when I read what I've written it's mostly lucid and grounded in reality. I have re-read, but will come back to the thread later and try to do what you've suggested. Thanks.

Well, do your own reading - Lundy Bancroft, "Why does he do that?" A great eye-opener.

This is a horrible way to leave. If you can't get out for your sake, get out for your dc's sake. I agree with the advice to let the 15-year-old go to her father if she wants to. But keeping things the way they are is not going to improve your relationship with her - you're just showing yourself to be a doormat.

About him badmouthing you to other people and playing the victim - my ex does that. He is very convincing and he has a little band of very good people who have never met me but think I'm evil incarnate. He's turned up at court with letters from them gushing about what a wonderful father he is and implying that I'm standing in the way. It's slightly jarring if I glimpse people with him who then glare at me, but generally, it's really not an issue for me. I feel a bit sorry for them for being taken in, but hell, I was taken in by him for a long time.

It seems to me that you're letting your fear of being portrayed as the bitch way too heavily. Maybe you could reclaim the word - a "bitch" is someone who chooses not to let people walk all over her. And that includes the people who are meant to love her.

Damn. Horrible way to "live", I meant. That's my subconscious screaming "leave".

Isn't MN pretty much an online, live, interactive version of this book? Teaching one gender how to protect themselves from another gender?

Seems to me it is, so who threw the first stone in this glasshouse?

Ignoring the misogynist, Kitty - the point I'm making is that it's all very well for you to ignore the abuse and convince yourself it's not too bad when he's in a 'nice' phase, but what about your children?

Who gives them a choice?

I think my ex has got that book.

Probably written by a cunt who needs to pay his ex partner a lot of child support arrears.

Buy the book by Elizabeth Wurtzel "Bitch: In praise of difficult women" and leave it lying around.

I'm told it's not a very good book, so you needn't actually read it. Just let him see that you won't scurry back inside your box at the mere suggestion you might be considered a bitch.

If you're so "malicious" why hasn't he left you?!!!! Get out before he drives you insane!!

Hi All, didn't realise there had been any more posts on this thread...sorry for ignoring - apartfrom cronullansw, obviously.

I have Lundy, as with so many threads I have read on here, a lot of it sounds so much worse than my experience, so much more tangible. I have asked him that many times midwife if I am the problem, then it's very easy to resolve it, isn't it?

The 'That Bitch' book is disgusting - whole chapter about how women lie and say they've been raped and how many innocent men have been falsely accused. Pretty much the exact obvious of everything we know about ridiculously poor reporting and prosecution rates for rape victims. I'm surprised the author's house hasn't been petrol bombed.

I'm still here, and no tangible progress. Just acknowledging those of you who posted. Thanks.