ExP and I have been split for 10 years. There is little contact between us - very rare emails, text messages. 3 boys, now teens. He is now married with no children.
Lots of anger over contact, as he only sees them one night a fortnight and for a few days in the holidays. Efforts from my part to increase this have been met with terrible anger ("are you mad?"). Any interference with "his" schedule because of other activities are met with threats to go to court and other aggressive comments. This is ridiculous - the boys know that they can see him whenever they like so long as homework and other commitments are met. I have told him this, many times. However, as teens they have lots to do and are increasingly choosing to drop weekends.
This time last year I wanted to review the child support, which is currently negotiated privately between us and paid by SO from his wife's account (!). He doesn't pay for other stuff like school trips - and at their age there are loads of extras like this. He has always paid a bit less than the CSA calculator suggests because I'm soft because he ran up a lot of debt after we split.
I emailed several times, and was ignored. I suggested that if the money was an issue he could commit to having them a bit more to take the pressure off me. I offered to meet up at a venue/time of his choice and was fobbed off with various excuses and refusals. I said his wife (who I have only met once) could come along if that would help. Eventually I asked for his payslip so that I could at least work out what he should be paying using the CSA calculator. All ignored by him. I set a deadline by which time he should respond - he ignored this too.
So I left it a couple of months but after getting a very hostile response to my request to him to have the boys for a bit longer in the school holidays ("are you mad?") I went to the CSA to get an assessment, and I told him what I was doing. Over the next few months he has had letters from them requesting information and explaining how much he should be paying (a bit more than he pays now, but not loads more). He has disputed my version of how much he has them which delayed things, but I was able to supply full details for the last three years demonstrating it is less than the threshold. He has never, not once, contacted me to discuss.
All this time I asked the CSA only for an assessment and advice as I wanted to continue with a voluntary arrangement.
Then I got a very drunk, abusive call from him while I was working at an evening event. Very nasty and threatening. I had to cut him off as I was working. So I decided the CSA could collect the money directly as I feel this will involve less contact with ex and I feel vulnerable while his state of mind is so hostile.
Then yesterday at work I got an even nastier call from him after the CSA had called him to set up the payments. He told me that I had done some terrible damage - he didn't say what - and I could rot in hell. He sounds like he really means it. He sounded unbalanced, and very, very angry. When I spoke to the CSA later that day they said they had been unable to come to an arrangement with him. I asked the CSA to leave the arrears for now and just to set up the payments for the newly calculated amount. They later called me to say he had co-operated with this.
Then I got home to find an email from him, which I can see the first line of without opening it - enough to tell me that its not going to be a thank you for letting him off the arrears. He is going to tell me exactly what damage 'I' have done.
I don't want the abuse, and I feel that whatever is going on in his life is almost certainly nothing to do with a simple and reasonable request to review child support.
If I read the email I will know what has upset him so much.
If I read the email I will have to experience the abuse that is in it.
If I don't read the email I won't know what's going on - and it might be something that affects the children.
I don't know what to do. I feel that he has been bullying me into accepting only as much support as he chose to give me, and going to the CSA has freed me from this bullying. But now I'm worried that I have unleashed all sorts for the sake of very little gain.