Want to separate - practicalities? How? Fuck...so confused!

[ArseNDamnation]

I have decided I want to separate from my husband. What next?

He knows that I am deeply unhappy and that things betweeen us are not good, but I havent told him that for me, it is over. I know I must have that conversation asap - but what then? How do I tell two very young children?

We own a house together. How do we even approach the issues of where to live and how to share custody? DH is a very hands on dad and I think he would want to share custody (I would be happy with this)...but how does it all work? What living arrangement is best for our children? I have no fucking clue .

I also dont know how we will both get a three bed flat EACH from the sale of our one house. I dont know how I will cope financially (currently work p/t, guess I would need to work f/t....). I dont know what I should reasonably be asking for as financial support from my husband? I dont want to hurt him or be unreasonable - he has done nothing wrong, we have just grown apart.

It is such a mess and I cannot get a grip on hw to go about this in a rational way that will leave minimal damage to all involved, especially our kids.

Have you really exhausted all possible other avenues? Counselling, a temporary separation? All sounds very final from your point of view?

Morning ArseNDamnation,

Gosh. I found myself getting anxious as I read your post because there is so much there and it's so full of very valid questions!

I am so sorry to read this as I know divorce/separation can be real hell - or not.

A couple of questions:

You say you're unhappy - does this need to mean the end of your marriage?

How old are your little ones?

I am a year (almost exactly!) into my separation so I can talk to you about my experiences. In all honesty it has been a really tough year, both physically and emotionally.

I found it helpful to take it one step at a time. My exDH is an alcoholic and is currently in a psych ward so I didn't have the stress of breaking unexpected news to friends and family. It was obvious what I needed to do.

I spent the first month job hunting, getting the children (then 5 and 2) settled into a new routine and crying a bit. I was a bit euphoric in some ways because the adrenaline of breaking free got me through some tiring times. I leant a lot on friends. I told the school. I got in touch with tax credits and made sure I was getting what help I could.

I found a full-time job and got into work in a big way. I was super organised, made sure that I had breakfast, uniforms sorted etc the night before. You can't pop out once the children are in bed.

I made an interim agreement with my ex for support for the children and initially we agreed I would stay in the house with the children.

Over time I realised I could not sustain full time work in my demanding job with two young children, being effectively a lone parent. I am moving 150 miles to a cheaper area where I can live on a part time salary. I was lucky to find a well paid part time job.

I am now formally agreeing our financial separation and divorce but this is costly.

It has been tough but take help that people offer to you. There is something very empowering about taking control of your life and you will find hidden reserves. I will also tell you that a few months ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I am now on meds but I think this was a reaction to the separation stress once the initial adrenalin wore off. I am looking forward to a much better 2013. Keep posting here too.