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Original poster

Am I mad??

40 replies

Lozzamas · 28/12/2012 20:35

DH had an affair 9 years ago we did all the upset guilt trip healing and some sort of normality although not the same returned. Just discovered Xmas eve that DH visited a prostitute a few months ago. DD gave me the idea he was having an affair and when I presented the suspicion he fes'd up to the brothel visit. This time however we agreed to leave it til after Xmas to discuss for sake of DC's Xmas and now we're there I'm not bothered about talking it through. I don't know if that means I don't care about the infidelity or that I don't care about the marriage. I really thought after all the hurt and apology last time I'd never be in this position. He is a really nice very steady ordinary man who just feels so lonely in our marriage he says due to our infrequent sex life ... Kids, work, elderly parents getting in the way etc. I'm upset ... Pride more than anything but I'm not feeling the need to dissect it all this time. Does that mean I don't care about the marriage?

OP posts:
yohohoho · 28/12/2012 20:41

I think you are either in shock or have emotionally checked out. Or possibly in survival mode

Are you sure it was a prostitute? Are you sure? Could it be that he thinks you are more likely to forgive a visit to a prostitute than an affair?

What prompted dds suspicions?

IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord · 28/12/2012 20:51

Perhaps you feel detached is because he has been detached.

I don't know what you plan to do but 2 cases of infidelity is pretty disgusting.

It shows he has no respect for you, DD or even himself for that matter by scraping the barrel with a prostitute.

Good luck OP with however you decide to handle this

Original poster
Lozzamas · 28/12/2012 21:04

DD found antibiotics and condoms from an STD clinic so I accused him of another affair he says he felt dirty after going to a brothel and got checked out. He was all clear he says when he got the results. I would say he was covering an affair except he was sooo convincing in his shame and self loathing for paying for it. Not sure either way not sure if I really care - last time it was details required, tears, all night talking etc. this time I'm not even curious just sort of normal.... Can't work me out.

OP posts:
mrslaughan · 28/12/2012 21:08

maybe you are ready for it to be over?

DorisIsWaiting · 28/12/2012 21:29

Sorry that doesn't ring true.

If you are in the UK it is unlikely that the Dr's prescribed AB's without evidence or symptoms of infection. As a side issue you DEF need to get yourself checked out.

Personnally it sounds to me that it is part shock and partly the comparmentalisation you have had to do to get through christmas.

Can you give yourself some time and space from him, to work out what you want to do before you do anything.

izzyizin · 28/12/2012 21:30

His previous affair may have made you question your beliefs and maybe you concluded that, while sexual infidelity may bring about the end of a marriage,it's not the end of the world.

Did he articulate the alleged lonlieness he's felt in his marriage to you before going shopping for sex?

Lozislovely · 28/12/2012 21:33

'D'H did the same to me, though not this Christmas (as far as I know).

At least 3 prostitutes, one 6 weeks before we married though it was just a BJ so that makes it ok Wink

Never trusted him fully since, hated sex and slowly started to hate him.

Fast forward 10 years and a threat my him of separation as I don't want sex anymore.

Feeling quite calm and relieved really as its finally dawned on me that I've been living a lie and don't want to do it anymore

20 years down the drain but the next 20 won't be spent wondering whether he's paid yet another visit to some cheap dirty place for a quick thrill Wink

Good luck to you op, stick to your guns, you're worth so much more x

yohohoho · 28/12/2012 21:33

You don't get antibiotics when given the all clear.

I honestly think he is covering an affair.

I think your lack of feeling regards this perhaps means that you should think about ending the marriage. Mayne the affair did more damage than you thought.

How have things been in the last 9 years?

Lozislovely · 28/12/2012 21:33

by not my!

BelleDameSousMistletoe · 28/12/2012 21:38

Is it normal to have unprotected sex with a prostitute too? Sorry, none of this rings true.

He may have had a "quickie" with someone rather than an affair but it all sounds highly questionable and, as has been said above, you don't get preventative antibiotics in the UK...

Hassled · 28/12/2012 21:41

Agree that the ABs are really dodgy - he's lying somewhere along the line. You don't get given ABs in the UK "just in case".

I don't think you're mad - I think you don't care. And really, why should you? What do you want to happen now?

BelleDameSousMistletoe · 28/12/2012 21:42

And, I've said this before and I'll no doubt say it again, if you do something you know will jeopardise your relationship then you don't really care about the relationship... Your DH cares more about getting a quick shag, it would appear.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 28/12/2012 21:50

He wasn't all clear. The UK does not allow preventative antibiotics for STDs. Not under any circumstances.

Whether you have been intimate or not, get yourself checked out. Some STDs can be spread in bizarre ways.

Then, decide what to do about your DH. He needs to tell you the truth - everything he has said is in question as he has lied about being infected. That isn't just his health that he is lying about, he is risking you, too.

Find out where he got the infection from, when, and what it was. Then ask him to leave for a while. You'll soon see if you miss him or want him back, or if you are quite happy on your own.

He won't change. He doesn't care enough too...and he's so obvious and blase about his affairs that he leaves the evidence around for your DD to find and analyse. Fun. She now knows that her dad is a cheat and a liar, and her perception of relationships will be changed. How can he live with that?

Original poster
Lozzamas · 28/12/2012 21:57

Your all right, I guess my reaction means I know it deep down. The last 9 years have been OK. Not unhappy but not the same, I think we've been borrowed time, the original affair was such a betrayal it was probably really over I just couldn't see it. I think I will quiz him again when we turn in, I need to make him squirm at least. I think he takes my indifference to be he got away with it. Although he has been walking on egg shells. I guess bring it to a head and see where we go from there, at least it may provoke a reaction in me. Playing happy families over Xmas has probably made it all a bit artificial.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lozzamas · 28/12/2012 22:08

To be fair DD thinks all is well. I covered for him. Told her I knew about them and we were keeping them for a friend. Don't want the kids involved until I know what's going to happen and it becomes necessary.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 28/12/2012 22:16

really? You would lie to the daughter who brought this to your attention to cover the back of your lying husband. Sorry, but thats awful and I am sure she doesnt believe you either now. kids arent that stupid......

tawse57 · 28/12/2012 22:28

I am sorry that this is going on in your life and marriage.

The harsh reality is that men express their love through the act of sex and if a woman will not make love to her husband then the man feels unloved and unable to show his love - so he will go elsewhere.

There are many relationship specialists who say that it is cruel for a woman to deny sex to her husband. I agree. I can't think of a single man who will not become miserable, depressed and thoroughly unhappy at being in a sexless relationship.

I don't say the above to hurt you or to make you feel worse. I am just giving you the perspective of how important the sexual act is for a man. If you wish to save your marriage then please seriously consider the above and why sex is so important to a man. I know that you mention the kids, the parents, work, etc, etc, but sex is SO important to a man to show love to his woman that, without it, he will just walk out of the door eventually.

I hope you can overcome all the awful feelings that you feel now and find a way for you and your husband to have a happy, loving and sexual relationship going forward.

Original poster
Lozzamas · 28/12/2012 22:29

She's got exam's and enough pressure, she seemed content with the explaination. I didn't feel good about it my instinct was to protect them from any fall out, I still wouldn't want them to know why if I kick him out... I'm ashamed at failing and he ought to be ... I don't want them to have to feel ashamed too.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 28/12/2012 22:34

Sorry to be the bearer of more bad news, but you're best advised to go to a GUM clinic and get yourself tested for stis.

Original poster
Lozzamas · 28/12/2012 23:00

I will get checked. I have had sex with him before I found out, it's infrequent but not non exsistent.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 28/12/2012 23:24

No bangs in your crackers this Christmas, Lozza?

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 29/12/2012 00:10

Tawse: the reason most women go off sex with their husbands (in relationships where the man complains that the woman is not sufficiently amenable to sex) is that the man is not doing his share of the domestic work and childcare, therefore the woman loses any feelings of desire for him: it's hard to want sex with someone who is treating you as a servant.

Amazoniancracker · 29/12/2012 01:29

Tawse57

Alien Invasion from another forum presumably?

Fuckity off now dear.

Amazoniancracker · 29/12/2012 01:44

Goodness, no I see that you have many other posts on MN.

That somehow makes your post even more shocking. Shock

badinage · 29/12/2012 01:49

OP - this sounds more like an affair or some random act of unprotected sex. He obviously thinks you'd be more okay with him paying for sex than an affair, hence the lie. For me personally, this would be far worse than an affair but regardless, two separate infidelities would be the death knell. I think you're probably numb because of shock and also because nothing could hurt as much as the first time. You've now lied to your daughter which although understandable in the heat of the moment and because of the time of year, cannot go on. It must have taken her a lot of courage to tell you her suspicions and the only reward she got for that was a lie......she's not stupid though. She'll either think you are though, or that both her parents are liars.

Don't take any notice of the drivel from the misogynist on the thread. He doesn't speak for all men.....just entitled wankstains who think that men will spontaneously combust if they don't have women dancing sexual attendance on them. Most men do not think like this poster - or your husband for that matter.