Do I say/do anything about this?

[BreakOutTheTinselSantasAComing]

My ex partner, who I have a child with, was violent to me when after split. I ended up in hospital, had back problems for a long time and still have a scar under my eye. My DD, 2 at the time, was present when he forced his way into the house and did this, meaning that I had SS call around -but not until two years later- to make sure he wasn't living with me. Ex has loose contact with daughter- he will get in touch a few times a year, see her for a few weeks then bugger off again. DD is now nearly 9, obviously upset about her dad not wanting to see her often, but as he doesn't do much when he does see her, is starting to realise she's not really missing much.

After the incident, I pressed charges, he got a fine, community service and a DV course. He later got into a fight with someone on a night out (regular occurrence, charmer, I know!) and got jailed for almost a year.

It's come out today, on FB of all places, that yesterday he hit his current fiancee. She has a black eye, but has not yet decided to press charges. He is protesting his innocence, she apparently knocked herself out on his elbow by accident. I'm pretty sure she doesn't know he has previous for doing this, at least to me- she will know he was in prison, but not his other records. He is stating to anyone and everyone that he would never hit a woman, will she please get in touch, blah de blah. One of his pals has also referenced steroids in this mammoth post.

Do I get in touch with her, and let her know that I believe her, he IS that type of guy? Or will I seem like I'm sticking my nose in? I remember what he was like after he did it to me- crying down the phone, begging, declaring love. It was very hard to press charges, and I would have appreciated someone in the same boat. And what do I do about DD? I do not feel comfortable with her being around him, do I leave it as it is and hope he doesn't get in touch, or do I sort something out now? Do I let DD know that she's not going to be seeing him, explain why, or just fob her off?

I'm sorry for the mammoth post, well done if you got to the end!

I do think that you should let her know what happened, it will be source of support for her while he is messing with her head.

Does your DD want to see her dad?

I think it may be worthwhile to contact your ex's fiancee (in her situation, I would want to know), but best if you do it in a supportive role, with no expectations.

She may tell you to mind your own business and f the f off etc
She may not want to press charges

Be prepared for all eventualities ( he may find out and be very pissed off with you, your safety and that of your dd, must be your no 1 priority)

God what a bastard. Hard to know what to say to warn her without looking like a bitter ex

FWIW I know someone about to marry a murderer who has also done time for beating the shit out of last 2 girlfriends. She won't hear a word against him.

i suppose if you don't know his current gf, then you coud contact her and if she doesnt want to hear what you have to say, then you've lost nowt.

Maybe just "I believe you, it's not the first time he's done it, if you want a chat then contact me" etc?

She does want to see her dad, but she is realising he's not a very good dad, and asking less and less about him. It's more that she's upset he doesn't bother and be a 'proper' dad.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I'm pretty sure I'm safe- he will rant, rave and threaten but he knows I will get police involved and press charges, so pretty sure that's as far as he will go.

Is there a mutual friend who could pour scorn on the whole thing? I'd find it very hard to let that lie, tbh.

The mutual friends are his friends, Imperial, and most don't know what happened- I was 21 at the time and ashamed.

I have just drafted a fb message to her, what do you think:
Hi, I know you probably don't want to hear from me right now, but I just wanted to say I heard what happened through on here, and wanted to let you know he has hit me. I would have let you know what he was like before, but to be honest I didn't think you would believe me and think I was trying to cause trouble. He put me in hospital, I couldn't walk for a week, and it was in front of xxxx. Luckily she doesn't remember, it was when she was a toddler. I pressed charges, and he had to have a DV awareness course, fine and community service. I'm sorry this happened to you, I hope you're not feeling too bad, and feel free to message if you would like to know anything.

Any good, or too much detail?

I think that sounds fine.

yes. Is there another way you can get in touch with her? A mutual friend perhaps?

As for your dd, a contact centre, I think.

I think in your position I would do what you plan to do and the message I would write would be similar. The ball's in her court then, she can do what she likes with the information.

thenightsky how horrifying about your friend.

I have a feeling that convictions for DV and other crimes are a matter of public record ie she could look up the facts for herself, and I think that you are right to send her a message along the lines you describe.
As for your DD, as it doesn't sound like there's any court order regarding her contact with him, you could just stop it, and if he launches legal action you could specify that DD sees him under supervision only. In fact, you could use his having attacked another woman as a reason for stopping contact if it makes your DD unhappy to see him.

Thanks for the thoughts, I decided to sleep on it before I sent it. I think I will send it this morning.

Regarding DD, it's not so much the stopping of contact I'm worried about, more what to tell her. He won't put the effort in anyway, but do I let DD know it's stopping, which she will want to know why, or do I just make excuses?

Will you or your daughter be in any danger if the fiance tells him that you've contacted her about this? If there's any chance of that, either get a third party to explain or stay out of it altogether. Your daughter has to come first.

No, DD will not be in any danger. He will try and 'punish' me by not seeing her, that's his usual method after something he doesn't like.

I think you should send it. It may encourage her to press charges and given all this FB weirdness it will mean a lot to her just to be believed.

I definately think you should send it, without doubt. Especially as he seems to be playing the crying, pleading, lying game. as said above the records will be there, she just wouldnt know to look unless tipped off. she can check it and see it in black and white, rather than it being you causing problems, and I might be inclined to suggest she do that as there could be more you dont know about.

Is your Ex going to end up paying you a visit?

Is his current fiance now an ex fiance? Because if they are still in a relationship or he has the ability to weedle his way back into her affections, the fall out for you could be quite horrific.

If she has decided to go to the police, or you know for certain the relationship is terminated - that is the time to contact her for support. Although, who knows what picture he has painted of you, be prepared for a hostile reception.

Well, I've sent it. No reply as of yet. They had split up, don't know if it will last- she has her blinkers on for him. He has cheated, taken advantage of her, one of her children has moved in with their dad as he hates ex that much. He has painted a crap picture of me, I have apparently been stopping him seeing his DD. He's a lovely guy, can you tell?

Oh, and thanks for the concern, but don't think he will pay me a visit, but I have no problems calling the police on him if he does. No doubt I will get some sort of abuse over messages, but he doesn't like people who stand up to him, so think that is where it will stop.