How does shared childcare work over a distance?

[BitofSparklingPerry]

Just curious really. If I moved 300 miles away, how would we ensure dh still sees the kids? They are home educated, I work and study from home but dh works part time, almost full time. We would each be near our respective parents, if that makes a difference. Neither of us drive, the train journey is about three hours and involves a change - there are three options, but the quickest/cheapest has the hardest and longest (on a rubbish train) bit on his side. Option two is a bit longer but the change is very near me, option three is nearly a full hour longer but has nice trains all along. The journey costs around £50 each way for one adukt and the kids with a railcard, but obviously that can be reduced.

I'm thinking they would spend from friday, a full week, then leave on monday, each month over there. His parents can usually help him (in fact they seem to think he s incapable of oing it himself) or I could even get a youth hostel for a couple of nights. Or maybe one month like that, then the next month he visits us?

What is usual?

At that kind of distance and minus cars, it sounds almost impossible. You don't say what age your children are but if old enough to be educated, then presumably 4 upwards. If they are going to spend a week in every two with him and he works almost full-time, how are they going to be educated then? Or do you think you can squash all their learning into two weeks out of four? Also, what about their lives and friendships and activities? Shared childcare is difficult if your dc can't continue to have their music lessons or go to beavers, regardless of which parent they are with.

I think what you've suggested sounds like a nightmare for the kids. They would find it difficult to settle in either location, and their education is bound to suffer.
Why do you need to move so far away from exdh?

Sorry, I should have said they would be with him one week in four. They could do education stuff with dh just as well as with me, it is fairly informal and the firmal stuff we do use is easy to follow. They would miss a quarter of any weekly activities though. There are better HE groups over his side, but some over my side, all of which are pretty informal.

They are currently 3 and 5.

Dh works shifts, if he could arrange his shifts, he could do a long weekend each month maybe?

Sorry but I can't see that working well. Why do you need to go so far away?

Well, we aren't actually splitting up, we were just talking about what would happen if we did. As it stands, I need to be in my parents town for a long weekend a least monthly as it is. I'm desperate to move full time but dh wouldn't even consider it.

If I split with dh, I would have zero support and no close friends at his side of the country, and I have a history of serious mental health problems so I need people around me. My mum needs help looking after my nana so it makes sense for me to be nearby.

So am I stuck in his town no matter what? :-(

I think it's really unfair for DCs to miss 25% of any social activities you sign them up to, and to the activity organisers too, not to mention a waste of money.

We met in my town, had dd1, conceived dd2, then moved to his town temporarily as his brother was seriously ill. His brother died, more than three years ago, and we are still there :-(

Sounds heartless, but how long do I need to live somewhere I hate in mourning for someone I met about ten times? When I met dh, he hadn't been to his parents for christmas fr a decade. Since then, this is the first time we have been with mine. I talk to my sisters on the phone and Facebook for hours each week, dh didn't know what his brothers job was or if he had a girlfriend. I see his parents at least twice a day, he sees them weekly and sees mine three times a year.

It just seems so unfair :-(

Is my only hope to persuade him to move?

You don't mention whether your husband even wants to HE? Suppose he doesn't bother with the activities or groups on his week or doesn't care/isn't able to change his shifts? What happens then?

It's not even clear to me whether you are or are not separating and whether this is only related to where you live at the moment or there are other problems? Can you not make a life where you are now? Have you tried to make friends, join groups, volunteer etc?

Surely you have made some friends in the 3 years you have been in DH's town?
If I were you I'd stop home educating, get the kids into school/nursery school/clubs etc and pal up with some mums at the school gate. Is there a reason you HE?

Stop moaning and feeling sorry for yourself and get out there and build a life for you and your family.

I've met far more people HEing than when she was in school. I had very little in common with the school mums. They were polite, but that was it. I went to some social things and they kept talking aout church or when they all went to school with each other.

I volunteered at a bookshop for a while, which was quite good, not that I made friends as such, but I had more to talk about with the elderly amnesty volunteers in the city than I had with the school mums in DHs town.

Last night (I am in my town atm) I went to a swing dance night in the small city (not very much more population than DHs town, and much nearer to my parents than the big city is to our house in DHs town)( walking distance from the area where all my friends live and where we used to live when we had dd1). Round our table were four people who live in different towns, and one who has just moved back from London. All agreed that there is something special about that city. Just as one thing - there was a damn sight more diversity regarding gender identities and sexualities in that one room than I have ever seen in DHs town. A damn sight more than anyone would probably dare to display in dhs town. Both northern, both pretty deprived, except mine has a (former poly, nothing special) university.

Then we came home and my very solidly working class builder blokey dad was trying to explain ballet to dh, who was just flat out refusing to see tye point or acknowledge it as an artform (he hadn't been out with us and hadn't watched the ballet on tv earlier that day either, through stubbornesss - if my dad can watch it, why can't dh, who makes a song and dance about how cultured he is?)

Dh flat out angrily refuses to see that I would like him to come with me just a couple of times to some groups sp I feel less shy. He just can't understand that most people feel a bit of apprehension going into a new group. I can't invite people to our house because he is either just rude or gets drunk and makes it all about him. He just wants me to be friends with people he knows from the pub or went to school with.

I 'm not sure I can see a way forward for me and DH, but I don't want to be trapped alone in his town.

If they were in school in my town, how would access work then? Just travelling across every other weekend?

I think regardless of whether your children end up in HE or in school, access for your husband at that distance will be only weekends and holidays. The more you say about him the less likely it sounds that he would be at all interested in contributing to their education if he has them one week in four so their lives and education will be totally disrupted to no good end. If you want to/need to move back to your town (and you sound pretty determined about that) you have to put their needs first and what they need is not to be put on a train for a three-hour journey each month to spend a week with a father who will be at work and miss out on a week's worth of their normal activities. If you children are in school, this won't even be possible because school won't allow them to be there only 75% of the time.