Has anyone had an experience similar to this?

[Mrsgorgeous]

My husband and I split up earlier this year in February after I discovered that he was having an affair. We had been together for 24 years. Since then he has had hardly any contact with our children , 22 and 20. He has started to drink and smoke again and according to his family is pretty low because he doesn't have any work. I have also had debt collectors trying to contact him.
He was always a devoted husband and father and it came as a shock to everyone when the affair was discovered.

What I can't get my head around is that he has made no contact with our children over Christmas, no text no card nothing.

Has anyone had experience similar to this? I just can't understand how he can completely cut off his family.

Are your adult dc still living with you or did one or both of them fly the nest before you discovered his affair, and what has been their reaction to the split?

If they didn't take too kindly to his doing the dirty on you, it may be that at some level he's somewhat ashamed of what he's done and is reluctant to see them in case he gets given a hard time.

Is he living with the ow?

Me I am afraid, slightly more Jeremy Kyle ish in my case. Contact the bailiffs, make arrangements, give them his address for him to deal with (if it is his debt).

Don't helicopter him - don't continue to manage things for him. You DC sadly will have to draw their own conclusion about his behavour towards them. It may well be there is no reasonable excuse for it - just he is selfish or feckless.

Don't make excuses on his behalf and if you can, separate emotionally and financially if you can. I suspect you are around my age, so easier said than done!

Yes, a very similar experience after a marriage of almost exactly the same number of years as you, debt collectors, bailiffs, drink, smoking, drugs, criminality, general oddness. And the worst bit? The fact he walked away from his child after 20 yrs, my son gets a maximum of 2 texts a year now, birthday and christmas. His father lives about 5 miles away but might as well be on another planet.
I don't get it either, they are grownups but I can only imagine how hurtful it must be to them to believe they had a caring parent for so many years. Son and his father never had a cross word, now there's nothing.

My two youngest children are still at home although the youngest (20) stays at her boyfriends most of the time.
He did tell them a lot of lies about me which they saw through as soon as we found out about the affair. So I expect he is ashamed about that. I can't understand why when he so so devoted to my daughter especially he has cut them off as if they had never existed.
Could he really be without any emotion at all?

yes. And it will screw you up trying to find a reason or justify his behaviour to you or the DC's. My littler than your DD, said a couple of years ago when returning home from school, that she knew what her father's problem was, that he was a narcissist. She was 12. Children work it out and the best thing I did for them was to no longer try to rationalise is, but to just accept the situation and get on with things. When things are less raw (and it can take some time to process the unacceptable and non normal behavour) the best thing you can do is show them that you are getting on with your life, and that you are OK. It sort of gives them permission to do the same.

@matureunistudent.....I think you've hit the nail on the head. I've googled narcissistic husband and the description fits him almost perfectly.
He used to enjoy making people squirm and no present was ever good enough or he didn't like it. The same with food, one minute it was the tastiest meal ever and then the next I couldn't cook..he didn't like it!
Although he was never very kind to our son (don't know why) he doted on our daughter and yet has been the most spiteful to her telling her to F off in July.

yes me. My dad buggered off ith the OW when I was 15 and I never really heard from him again. The funny thing was he had always been a fabulous dad and I was a real daddys girl.
It still hurts now and I'm in my 50's and my dad is dead