we need to tell the children...horrendous feeling

[argh555]

Hi - i was wondering if someone could give me some advice.

After a disastrous few years and going backwards and forwards, seeing every counsellor possible for long periods of time, not talking about it, talking about it, twisting ourselves into a complete state and crying a lot, we have decided to separate. We decided at the beginning of December but as it was our eldests' birthday and then christmas, we thought it best to wait until after christmas to let them know. We get on on a surface level and so could keep it OK for them. He has rented a flat and is already to go and we need to tell the children soon. Throughout all of this i have prided myself on keeping it together for the children, trying to make it as good as it can be, being strong, but when it comes to telling them or even thinking about telling them, i literally can not stop crying for long enough to get it together. I know i need to be strong, in control and dependable for them as they are the victims in this but i literally feel like my head is going to split open with the pain of it all.

I hate that what we (mainly me) have decided is going to hurt them horribly and affect their lives massively, i just hate it, but i can't see any other option. We have tried being back together and the same old issues have come back again and again.

Please can anyone advise me on how to get myself together long enough to tell them, what words to use (they are 10 and 12), and please can someone tell me that this won't ruin their lives and that i am not an evil person? (unless you do actually think that)

This is the only aspect that makes me question if this is the right decision - every other area it is obvious we should split - it just doesn't work and i turn into a bitter, horrible person when we are together which just isnt me.

I just don't know how to get through the next 5 mins, next 24 hours, next week, next year at the moment. Can anyone please help?

My STBXH is a much better Dad to our DC now. He appreciates them more and makes MUCH more effort than he ever did when we were together.

argh555 it sounds like you've got things pretty sorted with a flat already there for dh.

My dds are 10 and 12, they were 9 and 11 when it came out that we were separating.

Your marriage sounds similar to mine - despite wanting to not being able to make progress in the right direction. We had the same argument for years, over and over.

We didn't plan telling the kids. I'd been wanting a separation for ages, but just couldn't bring myself to insist on it and dh didn't want it. The turning point was one evening where dd2 told me she thought I didn't like her because I was always unhappy when she was around. This was like being hit in the solar plexus. She ran upstairs and I brought her down and in front of dh and dd1 told her that it was nothing to do with her, I was unhappy with dh.

After that he stopped fighting the separation. My dd1's first reaction was similar to lilacbaubles' who said:

DD1 hugged me and said 'I just want you to be happy, Mummy'

(In fact, lb, I think you might be me, even down to the details of the family home)

My dd1 said 'Everyone deserves to be happy, Mum, including you'.

Dh didn't want to move out ('why should I?') so fh went on the market and we had 8 awful months of living under the same roof, multiple house buying/selling nightmares with two properties to sell and two to buy; none of these transactions was straightforward. It was hell. Dh and I carried on sleeping in the same bed (sounds crazy but I didn't want to hurt his feelings by decamping, though I did in the last few weeks).

I got the keys to my house in August and moved in at the end of October. Fh was only sold at the end of November and dh got his house ten days ago.

When we first told the girls they didn't cry and seemed fairly accepting, but they have both told me since they cried on their own after they went to bed that night :(

It's been difficult at times. When I first got my house, dd1 didn't want to come here (dh was still in fh for a month after I moved in here). It was very painful that she didn't want to be here. Dd2 was more chirpy about it all, on the surface. They've both been a bit unsettled and quicker to cry about small things.

But things are settling down now. My new house is home for the three of us. Dh has his house and though he didn't like it at first, he's finally had the girls staying there and they are enthusiastic about it and planning their rooms.

We all spent Christmas together - at my house - me, the girls and dh with my parents and brother and it was really lovely.

My relationship with the girls has improved massively as I am so much less anxious and stressed out not living with dh. I am so happy and glad I did this, and dh and I are getting on better all the time. We bought Xmas presents for them jointly (and we bought nice presents for each other as well!)

The girls are still doing really well at school, having a nice time with their friends and I feel closer to them and I think they value their improved relationship with me (it was never bad, but I was miserable and distracted for such a long time). Most of our friends have been wonderful to both of us. Some have 'taken sides', mostly his. He has played the victim a bit. I got no Christmas cards from his family.

I have been absolutely generous with dh regarding time with them and have always treated him with courtesy and consideration. I think his big anxiety was that he would feel frozen out of the family unit, but I have done as much as I can to promote his relationship with them. I think he appreciates this, is becoming more relaxed and as a result is being nicer to (and feeling more positively towards) me.

I felt so awful about 'breaking up the family', but I feel so much brighter about the future. Neither dh nor I has bad-mouthed the other. He is quite EA and when I realised earlier that he was playing the victim to them a bit I pulled him up on it. I am still carrying a fair bit of guilt myself, but Christmas really helped because it was great.

I've been open with them and let them talk if they've wanted to but not pushed them.

Sorry for the long post, but this is all very recent and my kids are the same age so I thought it might help.

You are doing the right thing. Expect a few difficult weeks or even months, but things will calm down and a new 'normal' will emerge. I'm confident that my kids will not be damaged in the longer term and will actually benefit from having a happier mum and, eventually, dad, and not living in a house full of tension.

Oh, and like Mushroom I found the times they weren't with me really hard - and really strange - at first. I thought, what the fuck have I done? But now I am enjoying it more, finding time to do things for me, decorating my new home, studying etc.

It's amazing how quickly things adjust, a new place starts feeling like home etc. People say that children are very adaptable and they are.

Good luck x

Just read what I wrote and it sounds a bit happy-clappy.

It's actually been very hard, but if you give them lots of reassurance that it's not their fault, that mum and dad still love them just the same, and try to be open it makes it easier. I told my two that one of the main reasons I wanted to separate was because I felt that my misery was making me a less good mum. And that I was worried they would grow up with a view of marriage that wasn't the right one.

They seem to get all this.

I've also told them I'm not going to be looking for a boyfriend any time soon (which is true) and they seemed relieved! It's early days but so far, so good. :)

Hi tired

That was an amazing post - i don't think it sounded happy clappy at all - it sounded like it was really horrible tough going at times, and for quite some time as well. i will need to prepare for that definitely. i do so hope that this can turn out as well, like you my husband likes to portray this as 'my fault' despite the fact that he is just as miserable as me. i don't think he ever would have ended it so i had to even though it is breaking my heart on many many levels. i don't think he will bad mouth me though and i won't about him. I am absolutely dreading the time when the kids aren't with me - i just feel like i will cry all the time and want to try and get back into the relationship. I will need to say totally strong.

Thank you so much for the reassurance, its strange, i would always say that 2 happy parents living apart is better than unhappy together (I was very much brought up in that so i know the damage it can do), but when it comes to my own guilt and sorrow, this common sense seems to disappear!

Thank you so much

like you my husband likes to portray this as 'my fault' despite the fact that he is just as miserable as me. i don't think he ever would have ended it so i had to even though it is breaking my heart on many many levels. i don't think he will bad mouth me though and i won't about him. I am absolutely dreading the time when the kids aren't with me - i just feel like i will cry all the time and want to try and get back into the relationship. I will need to say totally strong.

This so familiar. And there are times when it is absolute agony and you wonder if it's worth it. I was on the brink of telling dh I thought we should give things another go countless times. Even really late in the day - after I got the keys to my house and the family home was sold. Even after I moved out.

Very glad I didn't. Friends helped, reminding me of how unhappy I had been and how we had tried to make it work and failed. Also divorced friends who all said it was absolutely terrible but worth doing, as it gets better and everyone is happier in the end. Find some people like this in your life who you can call on the really dark days, so you don't falter.

My dh would have taken me back any time, like yours he was unhappy as hell with me though.

My kids didn't want to be here at first as I said. Dd1 was withdrawn and a bit hostile. Complained about everything - plates not properly clean after hand-washing (no dishwasher here), that she 'didn't feel clean' after a bath (no shower here, but I intend to fix that), that the house was cold etc. I felt beside myself and on the verge of tears all the time, but had to carry on being kind and patient. And I did a bit of trying to bribe them with presents I couldn't afford because I felt I'd let them down and was worried they were angry with me for leaving dh. I'd lost all my confidence as a parent during my marriage anyway.

They both love it here now though, and we are so close. I am setting boundaries for them and expecting them to help in the house a bit too, and I've got so much confidence back. And it's only been a couple of months.

And I'm starting to remember what it feels like to be happy for the first time in years.

just bear in mind it could be worse, we had to tell dd her brother had died, that really sucks and theres no positives at all tto that

you just have to be calm, tell them your and your ex are bith ok, and that everything will be ok and its noones fault

then tell them a few positives about your new lives.

and if you do turn into a horrible bitter person around your ex bear in mind it will def be better for the children to see you as a fun happy caring mum than a bitter unpleasant person

good luck op sounds like your doing the right thing

You will get through this and your kids will be fine. I was unhappy for years with the most perfect OH you can ever find! He looked after us, didnt go out boozing and loved me to bits but i felt the spark had gone.

We tried to make it work, him more than me truth be told, but i knew we'd be happier apart eventually.

We waited till the beginning of the summer hols to tell the kids and i was terrified of their reaction. My girls 14 and 15 were fine and in fact the younger one went back to a sleepover and the older one just went back to doodling on her laptop!

My son whos 9 got a little upset but in 10 mins was outside bouncing on his trampoline leaving me and their dad shaking our heads feeling puzzled by their reaction.

We made it really clear that we would still be mum and dad, and we loved them but that i would be the one moving out since it made sense to keep the kids near their school and mates and it was me breaking up the family.

Thats when the guilt hit me because its usually the man who moves out and i felt like i had abandoned my kids. Now i have my own place and the kids stay over every couple of weeks and i see them every day. I know their dad is still in bits and i hate being the one causing him so much pain but my main concern was the kids and they have adapted really well. I'm still waiting for the fallout and keep expecting them to say i've ruined their lives but i'm hoping that given time we'll all be happier.

Maleeka and Tired - thank you so much for your messages - they sound just like my situation and it really helps to hear that it is working out better for you now. It sounds like you have both battled through really difficult times and i really admire that you didn't start the relationship back up to avoid the pain. I just hope i can do the same, i have messed this up so many times.

White - i totally hear you and agree - that is just an awful thing to have to through and this doesn't even touch it.

We haven't told the kids yet - it sounds ridiculous (especially as i was the main instigator for the split), but i literally can not get a grip on myself, whenever i think about it, the tears just come and won't stop coming. I flippin cried in Morrisons today! how embarrassing. I literally can not get my self together and this is so unlike me, i just don't know what is going on. I just look at the kids and hate myself. I really worry i am actually going to make it worse for them because i am not in control and calm for them, which i desperately want to be. i think it has been the waiting and being strong for the past good few weeks that has weakened me in a way - been busy pretending and keeping life going for them - but i am not getting any calmer. dear me. we are even talking about my husband telling them and then us talking all together afterwards so that i don't make it worse! This is so unlike me i can't even tell you and i hate being so out of control. Would this be awful this to do do you think? I just want whats best for them - and i will talk to them whenever and about whatever they want - its the breaking the news that just makes me double over crying.

To be honest, I think you need to just bloody get on it with! It's like going to the dentist - the anticipation is worse than the event.
It doesn't matter if you cry, as long as you tell them you're ok and why you're crying.

thanks mushroom - you are right i am sure - i seem to be getting worse! been playing the whole, well its christmas we can't do it now, well its just after christmas, well its a friday etc etc.

Arghh. I suspect it's built up in your head so that it seems an enormous problem

Mine said they'd sussed a serious issue anyway and it was something of a relief to find out neither parent was dying and we were only getting divorced.

We told and then went for a Sunday lunch together...and a swim. Took them to see where dad would be living and made clear we loved them and that would never change and it was not their adult.

So.. Think in 3 steps:

1. We are going to get divorced (can you compare to a family they know who are divorced and settled) and dad will live here. You will see us both
2. We will always love you
3. It's not your fault

thanks cabbage - thinking in steps really helps - that is a really good idea. i think i can breathe through that and get through it if i just focus on those 3. i just don't know what their reaction is going to be - i don't know what to brace myself for. how old were your kids?

7, 16 and 17

The youngest seemed to be more unsettled initially but adapted far easier than older two.

Predictive iPad changed it is not their fault to it is not their adult in previous post!

Argh555 you areclearlydoing amazingly foryour kids but what about you. Maybe start a new thread for you xxxyou count too and we want to know about those hours inbred feeling like a bus hit you xx

I know from experience how awful it is to think of doing this, but OP, doing it in the holidays will be so much easier. When do they start back to school? If it's on the 7th, I'd do it on about the 3rd or the 4th - no link to New Year and it gives them a few days before going back to school.

Had a similiar experience OP. We sat them down (they were 15 and 13 ) and calmly told them that we were going to get divorced but we both still loved them very much and it was in no way their fault. Also tell them they can see their dad whenever they like , if that is the case. My DD(13) ran upstairs crying and my son was kind of ok. They will cry/scream etc. They need to let their emotions out. I know its a horrible thing to have to do but you will get through it. These days so many kids have divorced parents, they probably have friends who have been through it. They can get support from them. Just keep reassuring them of your love, try not to blame or argue in front of them. At least you have the flat already there for him, I had to live in house with my ex for another 4 months. That was awful! Good luck

Hi op, sorry you're having such a sad time with this. Just remember, your dcs will take their lead from you.

When I was a child, my brothers and I were lined up and both my parents became very grave and told us, saying all the right things etc, but they seemed so fake though, and the air was emotionally charged, and for once they didnt break into an argument - it was awkward, and I remember I couldn't wait to get out of the room! I was 10. I didn't want to hear too much of it.

The things children need to hear is what things will be like for THEM. Where they will sleep, where their toys will be, how they will get to dad's, will they be at same school etc. They need the security of feeling that the adults know what they are doing and that everything will be fine, focus on them, rather than the break up. If it helps, you don't even need to use the word divorce. It's more about the practicalities and how it will affect THEM.

With my own children, I did things differently from how my parents handled it, as I didn't want them to feel put on the spot like we were. Talked about it in the car, they were in the back, me driving. Said we are going to have two houses now, one mainly where daddy will live and one where mummy will be, and that they can have rooms in both houses.

No wonder you are in pain at the thought of this talk. Because you are focusing on how guilty you feel, how badly you're letting them down etc. but try to think about how much better you are going to make it for them, how life will be easier all round when you are not in an unhappy relationship, how you are going to make sure that everything is ok for them.

Best of luck, and remember you can choose not to make this into a trauma.

I just wanted to wish you all the best. My boys were a lot younger ( 5 and 3) and I told them myself as EXH didn't want to be there. The eldest was more excited about us moving house and whether the lorry would have a lift at the back that went up and down than anything else. We moved to a much smaller house but the freedom was just fantastic. We also got cats, which my EXH would not allow us to have at home
As others have said, enjoy the time you will get to yourself and try not to worry about the children when they are with their dad. My EXH had very little to do with the boys when we were married, as I was a SAHM, but he always had them every other weekend and they have built a relationship I don't think they would have had otherwise. It's not all sweetness and light of course and EXH drove me mad at times, but the crucial thing is to not be critical of him in front of them. I realised I couldn't control what he (and his mother) said about me and they would make their own mind up as they got older. I just kept reminding myself I was the grown up!
16 years down the line, all is good, the boys wander between my house and their dads all the time and my two have a briliant relationship with their step brother and sister.
I didn't realise how ground down I had become in the relationship and leaving was hard, but without a doubt the best thing I ever did. Children are remarkably resilient and as long as they know they are loved, they will cope with most things.
Best of luck, you need to be strong for them, but don't be afraid to tell them you are upset this has happened too. By the way, you may get the bonus I did of meeting a gorgeous man a year later who gave me all my confidence back, still going strong 15 years later..
I hope it goes well.

OP like you my ex and I went back & forth to relationship therapy for years, tried talking, not talking etc.

One day our dd age 5 said to me sadly, Mummy I think it's time for daddy to get his own house because he does too much shouting here. In his own house he could shout and we wouldn't have to listen to it.

So don't kid yourself that your children don't already know exactly how bad things are. They also know exactly what they need and will probably be very relieved when you provide it for them.

Maleeka - thanks for your post. Sounds virtually the same situation to me. Makes me feel better that there are other Mums who left too. I too moved out and feel the guilt of 'abandoning my children' as ex did nothing 'wrong'. I'm sure people judge me (indeed my parents didn't speak to me for two years) but I didn't want to unsettle the children and have to sell the family home etc. I see youngest nearly every day and oldest when he is not working, but speak to him most days. It's not perfect and it wasn't easy but it was my decision that I took at the time and now 2 and a half years on I'm glad I did it and never look back even though I struggle now financially. I too worry if they'll ever come back at me and say I ruined their lives but you only live once and you can only do your best and do what you think is right in any given situation. We're only human and we all need to try and find happiness. Good luck OP.