Advice needed: is it ever right to put own happiness above the family your kids love? (Long)

[littlepiggies]

Sorry in advance for the length....I've been married 8 years and have a DD (7) and DS (4). DH and I have had problems for a long time and have had counselling several times over the last few years. By and large we don't argue, and he is a good (but quite lazy) dad - but I have known for some time now that a real marriage, one that is a partnership and where I can be happy, is beyond us. The counselling really helped with a number of the issues which created the most visible problems between us - he was controlling, I'm not great with conflict, our communication was shit....but that only made it more apparent to me that even once all that was gone I just don't want to be with him.
The situation is complicated by the fact that he hasn't worked since before we were married (he was theoretically freelance for a couple of years but no money materialised). He wants to be an artist - and bullied me into renting a studio for him a couple of years ago (this was before the most useful counselling). The deal was that it was supposed to be self funding within a year - even if this meant him getting a job - but this is as far away from ever from happening and he responds very negatively if I ever bring this up again.
So, given that we aren't arguing and the kids seem unaware that we are less than perfect relationship role models can I possibly justify ending the marriage?
There is a lot at risk - he is theoretically the stay at home parent (even though it is almost always me who helps with homework, does most of the housework, arranges playdates etc.) and I can't say with certainty that he would always put the kids needs before his own after the separation.
I feel like life is passing me by and want to do something about it while i am still young(ish)!

How can you be sure that your children aren't negatively affected by living in this current situation: with two unhappy parents together? Where you do most of what needs doing and he, what, slouches around suiting himself? Is this the sort of relationship you'd like to see your dc in, in the future?

How does his negative response to your bringing up the question of the studio manifest itself?

I think your own happiness is worth creating a new family situation - staying together lovelessly, 'though it may tick the nuclear family box, doesn't tick the happy family box.

If you aren't happy in the marriage and want to end it, do so. Life is short, you only get one of them and your children will be fine.

Children are perceptive and will know things aren't right. Staying together "for the children" doesn't tend to make anyone happy.

Thank you all - I am coming round to agreeing that i can't stay in this situation indefinitely (or even for the next six months). I know I could make a lovely home for my kids - I'm just very worried that their dad will use the fact that he is currently the stay at home parent to make my life very difficult.

dequoisagitil - when I bring up the topic of him paying for his own studio it tends to provoke an argument where he says, variously, that I have been having a career for the last 10 years and now he deserves to have one on his own terms, that i have made him unhappy and so he can't think about working, that he can't work because he believes it is so important for him to be there for the children and family (both kids are at school) and other comments along those lines....unfortunately we never manage to have a reasonable conversation about it.

llittlepiggies - you aren't putting your own happiness above everyone else's, you simply want a better, happier family unit (or perhaps two separate family units) for you and your DCs. There is nothing even vaguely selfish about that.

Although your DCs maybe unaware that there is anything "wrong" in your marriage they are learning by example. They are learning that unhappiness, control, non-communication etc is the norm. Do they observe you and DH resolving conflict in a constructive way? Do they observe you and DH being affectionate with one antoher? Do they observe either of their parents feeling happy on a regular basis? I'm guessing not. If you know you can make a lovely home for them then you actually owe it to them to try and do so.

Undoubtably your DH will try to make things difficult so you need to be prepared for that. Maybe seek some advice and support before you even let him know what you're thinking. As for all the other crap he tells you - he can't work because you make him unhappy, he can't work because of the kids, he can't work because blah blah blah - it's all complete nonsense. He is an adult. He has choices. And he needs to take responsibility for those choices. If he really wanted to be working he would. It is not your fault. Even if you stop paying for his studio - still not your fault. Do not let him blame you.

thanks yogagirl - you speak sense, i just need to find the guts to put it all into action!

Right now you have 3 children and one of them is loud and shouty and always wants his own way!! So he wants to be an artist and could not give a hoot how that affects his family. It is not just your happiness you are striving for it is your children.

You need to move on with the lives of yourself and your children and leave Picasso to stew in his own juice and finance his dreams!!!

I'm not sure you are putting your own happiness above your children's.

It does sound like you are being emotionally controlled and are deeply unhappy. This is more destructive for your kids than you remaining in a bad marriage.