How can I stop being so dependant and believing dp when he says he'll sort things for me?

[choccychomp]

Feel a right idiot. Our car broke down over Christmas and if I'd have listened to the garage rather than dp it wouldn't have, we're now going to have to pay several hundred pounds. This happens to me a lot, I doubt myself, dither, listen to other people who have more confidence than me and then when it goes wrong I end up hating myself for it. This is about me not dp so not blaming him, but I've managed to find myself a partner who is the worst possible match for me because he, by contrast, thinks he knows a lot more than he does and is never (in his mind) wrong.

So how do I stop worrying about doing the right thing, stop automatically believing he (plus work colleagues, passing strangers, ... ) knows more than I do just because he says so? I don't want to be single but somehow I need to think as though I am rather than expecting people to solve my problems for me. I don't always ask for help but the world is full of more confident people than me who are always happy to offer an opinion, and I find it hard to say "thanks, but I'll do it my way".

This isn't over one bad decision & a bill, other things have gone wrong where dp has promised and then not delivered but despite being let down numerous times I still believe each new promise.

Daft thing is, I left home at 17 and have always been financially independent till we had children, whereas dp never left home, but somehow I've always had to make myself be confident and now feel like what inner strength I've got has been slowly chipped away.

How does he react if you go against his recommendations?

What is the cause of your loss of confidence?

My Dsis is a bit like you, and the reason seems to be that she wants to believe the best case scenario, so, e.g., even though I'd already told her that a certain tax situation applied to her (and I know it's right as I'm in the same situation and have researched it- it's pretty basic stuff tbh) she'd rather believe some complete pothead at work who told her the opposite. The reason is that if she believes him, she doesn't have to fill in a massive form and doesn't have to pay HMRC about £300.

Do you think you believed your DP re the car because you wanted to believe the car was fine and that you didn't want to face the fact that there was a problem?

HTH

He wouldn't get nasty or violent but he never approves or actively agrees with anything I suggest. Every tiny decision has to be discussed ad nauseum so we waste hours/weeks and nobody ever feels happy with the final decision. Often we'll have totally different ideas e.g. when we had new tiles in the kitchen (minor issue, I know) in the end I gave in and went with what he wanted then at the last minute he changed his mind to what I wanted. This also happened with one of our children's names (he said it as we were in the registry office). If we disagree about something and it turns out I'm right, he'll come back several hours later and say "what I wanted to say was ... but you wouldn't let me". Lots of things he does could be manipulation because deep down he's not as great as he pretends to be. When we first met I was the only person who understood him, now several years later it turns out everyone else understands him but me!! Except, that is, when he's had a bad day at work and wants to tell me what utter b***ds all his work colleagues are.

This sounds like I'm complaining about him, and I am in part, but it's more important that I change me so this doesn't happen to me in future with other people.

cant you just dump him?

sounds very wearing

Richman, at first wanted to say an indignant "no!" to your post but elements of truth in it. I am very indecisive and get overly anxious about things so if someone I want to trust asserts an opinion I will belive them even if my conscience says no. What advice do you give to your sister, the type that she maybe doesn't thank you for? I promise to listen and consider it on her behalf (if my brother offered advice I'd probably nod my head whilst thinking "la, la, la". Bizarrely, he understands me so I completely ignore him.)

Are you planing to leave him?
It sounds as if you are already thinking ahead.

There's no "winning" with such people. If you stand by your opinion, they'll fight for the opposite to the end. And if you give in early on, they'll consider it a sign of weakness.
By going back to what you wanted in the first place is really mind fucking. It is as if he was just arguing for the sake of arguing, and even though he did what you wanted, he's made sure you know who's in charge.

Are you not financially independent anymore?

That sounds like an exhausting and wearing life to lead OP does anything else go on?

But you see, if the cause of your lack of confidence in your own judgement is him continuously eroding it in minor & major ways - as he seems to do, whether consciously or unconsciously - then it'll be really hard to change you without dealing with him.

Choccy Tbh, as she's my sister we end up just having a massive unconstructive argument about it . Also, doesn't help that I'm a little prone to it myself- perhaps everyone is. With myself, I do try to push myself on it, and ask myself if what someone's telling me is what I really believe or if it's just what I want to hear

I'd be telling him to change or you'll dump him although some of it sounds like personality traits you either choose to live with or not. If it is something like the car decision where the car is only your car you need to learn to take decisions alone and not ask him. You know he is a ditherer who sometimes makes crap decisions, involve him only when you have to eg naming a baby, major home purchases.
People who tell you "you are the ONLY person who....." are best avoided as they are hard work and often self absorbed people who think their issues are more important than other people's issues and somehow different to those of other people. Choose a self aware person who knows their crap is much the same as other people's crap and doesn't want to dump it all on you and only you.
With the promises though I'd stop involving him and other random people and just get on with making decisions yourself . Making decisions can be stressful, passing those decisions onto other people doesn't make them less so, stop involving other people as much unless you really NEED them to be involved.

You say you don't want to blame your partner but as far as I can see he is to blame as he is undermining your confidence and this is part of the problem. You say that he has broken his promises a number of times so how could that not be his fault?

What does he say now about car breaking down as his advice was lousy?

It sounds to me like you'd be better at making decisions if you didn't have this man constantly undermining you. People who say 'you're the only one who understands me' oftem mean 'You're the only person who hasn't seen through me yet.'

Thanks everyone. Before I was with dp I found life tough, just because that's how I am, but it was generally ok & getting better as I grew up (into my 20s). Since having children I've gained in confidence massively because I had no choice. I could have used this as a springboard to do more but through my relationship with dp & acceptance of stuff between us feel like I've missed opportunities. Perhaps I'll be one of those women who are widowed in their 60s, get a campervan and tour round Europe?

Most important for me right now is concentrate on having more of a life outside of the family, to have fun & to hear different perspectives.