Fallout from child sexual abuse.

[freeandhappy]

Dsis's partner gave me a good long talking too as she sat by nodding about how I come out with some real crap, psychobabble, overuse of 'boundaries' and so on. I was told I needed to have a more Christian attitude and to turn the other cheek. I was told this is what my dead father (who I loved dearly) would have wanted me to do.

I was badly sexually abused as a child for from about four til fourteen and I have a failed marriage and two children that I have struggled with. I have been seeing a therapist for three years and have been single for a long time. I have worked very hard to learn to be a better parent, friend and person in the world. I don't shout at my kids anymore. I dont get involved with abusive men anymore. I have had to cut three frenemies out of my life. Difficult but necessary. My sisters were also abused and last year I told my mother about it. This goes against the family story of we had a wonderful childhood.
3weeks after convo with dsis partner I told dsis it had upset me. She told me to fuck off and that I was always gumming for a fight. Didnt speak to me for all of December then asked me to Xmas dinner with all the rest of the family. I didnt go as I can't act not hurt and like nothing happened.
My mother is saying why do I have to make things so difficult all the time. When will I grow out of it. I wonder should I go no contact with them all?

This is the finished thread that I posted too soon as 'unknown'

Is the therapy helping.? What does the therapist say about your sister? And what is your dad who sexually abused you? Sorry for just questions right now.

The therapy is helping but also making a distance between me and my sisters who think its stupid to take up the past. It was my mothers father who was the abuser and my mother says she believes me but can't really believe it and hasn't brought it up since I told we two years ago. I feel like they all think I'm very problematic and difficult. But there is fallout from burying things.

Anyway, I respect their right to think therapy is bollox but I also ask thy they respect my way of dealing with things. I think I probably am uite clumsy about boundary setting but I am just incapable of pretending things are ok when they aren't. I can't do it anymore. I would like to resolve things with my sister but not just be told to stfu.

Then another family member rang and said I had been offered an olive branch but that's not how it feels to me. I feel I've been offered a muzzle. If I put it on I will be let back in

Have to go out now, but hopefully will be back later.
I agree with Adversecalendar in that they are trying not to deal with it.
You may have to wait a long time for them to be able to face it.

Which meanwhile leaves you with the big problem of how to be around your family.
Do you think at some point that you could be with them but not bring the subject up?
tbh, I dont know if I could do that or not.
I think I might be tempted to write them a letter about how you feel. And say that at some point, as you can see they are not going to deal with the issue themselves, that you will be with them, but they cant expect you to have forgotten.
And I think I would run the letter idea by your therapists first. See what she thinks.

Your sisters comment about turning the other cheek, implies to me that she thinks you should just forget. I dont think that is doable at all.
Forgiveness is one thing, but forgetting is another.

I'm afraid I could not have sat there listening to some pompous prat pontificating his opinions on something that is absolutely nothing to do with him. You did very well to take it, but please understand you don't have to listen to him and you most certainly don't have to agree with him.
There's nothing Christian in burying the past; he's obviously confused about the teachings on forgiveness.
Next time, remind him of how Jesus reacted to the money changers in the temple, and how Paul demanded, and got, an apology after being illegally whipped and imprisoned.

I think your family's reaction is typical of one that has further skeletons hidden in the cupboard. Much easier to try and shut you up than to face their own demons, I expect.

You're doing what's right for you and I'd distance yourself from anyone who tries to negatively influence you.

Thank you very much a million and adverse. I know not to go on about it and I really don't. I havent lived near them for a long time but I do now and I think having me around is making everyone uneasy. For instance, one of my sisters husbands turns out to have another partner and chil that he has been keepi g secret for four years. Her response to finding this out has been to act like she doesn't know. Bizarre. My other sister was having an affair with a married man for eight years. Secrets secrets secrets. My other sister is married to a high maintenance bully. But they are all v respectable and act like I am the problem person because I separated from my husband and I prefer for my kids to live with split up parents than in a horrible atmosphere. They all go on like '"why do you make things so difficult for yourself?" I wish I wasn't on my own all the time but I can't just whistle in the dark and pretend like they can.

Thank you tanith. I never tell people to fuck off or shout at them but I think there is such a thing as righteous anger. So these days thanks to therapy when I get the feeling that someone is wronging me I think about it an weigh it up and then try to respond in a measured way to give them a chance to back up or not. If we can't come to an agreement that I am ok with I walk away. I don't know how else to handle things. Thanks so much for input. Very grateful.

I have no experience of abuse and its ramifications but I think a member of your family and your family had no right to speak to you in this way. Don't allow him to do that again, if you can help it.

It seems this man has taken it upon himself to crush your self esteem and your dsis has backed him up.
Some people deal with things by pushing them under the rug and leaving what is there to fester as they feel they can compartmentalise their life. It affects people who find a different way.
In my experience ( my family) we are expected not to rock the boat and to pretend unpleasant things didn't happen to appease the stronger members. It is usual to be labelled a trouble maker at this point and sides to be taken. " you're making me ill, talking about it" is the battle cry of dm.

Perhaps you could ask your therapist to help you with responses you are comfortable with to people like this? I do feel for you, but try not to dwell on his words. Or your dsis.

Thank you lavender. I've asked my friends and they don't experience me as a troublemaker. I think in my family there is thirty years of denial and defences. Feels v lonely as my sisters used to be my allies

When you rock the boat and change, the family dynamic you are upsetting up the pressure and say 'change back'!

You are not a bad person, you are not a trouble maker. You are threatening their defenses and this is why they fear you. I don't think you should agree to losing yourself again for their acceptance. This is a hard, lonely road, but you are stating your truth.

Remember what Jesus said. He said that he came in the name of truth, and that this would put family member against family member. Can't remember it off by heart, but he said it.

As to the partner, I really really hope one day that you will feel strong enough and have the sense of self to interrupt him the instance you knew where he was going, and let him know you were not having this conversation (and if he persisted you would leave).

You WILL get there one day. Don't give yourself up, keep on keeping on to authenticity.

I had a very similar response from my mother when I spoke to her about the abuse I suffered - "you need to forget about it, you're making me feel guilty, don't cause trouble," etc etc. IMO that sort of reaction from your family, the people who should care and support you, compounds the abuse. For me in many ways it was worse than the abuse. I could rationalise that the abuser was a nasty creep who was out to hurt me, but my family have no such excuse, they are just unwilling to help and would rather make life easy for themselves than make an effort to support me.

For me, distancing myself greatly from my family was the only option. All through my childhood I was told my feelings weren't valid, I wasn't allowed to complain about anything, my opinions were just "troublemaking" and basically I was a non-person. It was that attitude that allowed the abuse to happen IMO - I honestly believe that in a family where I was treated with more respect it wouldn't have happened. So they were complicit in the abuse, in a indirect way. I would suggest (though feel free to tell me I'm talking bollocks) that your family was similar - for abuse to happen in that way for years your family has to facilitate it in some way, however unwittingly, and their "under the rug" attitude would certainly have helped to create the sense of secrecy necessary for an abuser to get away with what he did for so long.

For me, recovering from the abuse went in hand in hand with recovering from the way I was brought up. They were closely interlinked, and without separating myself from my family there was no hope of me truly recovering. Given how your family have treated you, I would imagine the same is true for you.

Thanks very much abit and cailin. It means so much to not feel alone. I think I was difficult growing up and beyond and did rock the boat but therapy has helped me find better ways of not getting hurt and getting angry or speaking out inappropriately. I hope. But it has been hard hard work which I undertook so I wouldn't have such bad blind spots like my mother had eg badgering me to go and cuddle my grandad in hi room because he was lonely which was horrible and meant he would stick his fingers in me and masturbate himself. (Sorry tmi). That's why I was really hurt that my sisters partner felt it was ok to say to me to stop with the boundaries crap. He knows I am in therapy via my sister but they shouldn't have said they to me. That won't see me any differently than as troublemaker trying to rock the boat for the hell of it or because I'm damaged. My mother says I will let go of it when I'm ready and she hopes I will be able to do that soon. I can let go of it. He is dead. But as you say cailin it's not the abuse that hurts now its the being thought of as difficult and self sabotaging that hurts. Hard to feel like I am the o e who is trying to get healthy when I am alone and they are all together. But I can't seem to be any other way. Thanks again.

Sorry if that was a gross post. And thanks for the input.

It wasn't gross free, there's nothing wrong with talking about what happened, you have nothing to hide.

hi,
I couldn't read and not reply,
I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I'm sorry your family find it easier to hide behind the truth and blame you of being ‘difficult’ and keep you quiet to make what happened to you easier for them to come to terms with. pretending it never happened only makes it worse..
well done for seeing a therapist it's not easy and your family should be standing beside you holding your hand, but you now what huni you don't need them to hold your hand your standing strong all by yourself, your family are the weak ones I'm sorry to say that,
keep seeing your therapist and take time away from your family for a while... it will also give them time to reflect on there behaviour towards you..
x

Thanks liver and cailin. I'm really grateful for your input. It's hard to keep sure that I am being reasonable when there are many people who are sympathetic to my 'problem' behaviour. Thanks

Free I was disowned by my family when I spoke out about having been abused as a child by a family member, I think that kind of reaction is pretty common.
As it happens I'm not really too bothered, I prefer life without them, although it is of course hurtful, as Cailin says when your family dont support you, in a sense they all betrayed my trust.
I'm not sure I can give any advice, I cope well enough but I consider myself scarred and damaged.
I just wanted to say that you're by no means alone :)

Thank you wish

It seems like this is not unusual then which is pretty grim. My sympathies to all of you who have had this second let down. Its a real eye opener and has got me reassessing a lot of my relationships. I felt much better today though and stronger in my resolve to be true to myself so thanks very much. Sad to be spending new year on my own again tho as my kids are away. O well. Roll on 2013!