advice from an outsiders persepctive ( please )

[Jimbo1972]

HI ,
My first post on here after I have been looking through the forums seeking an insight and advice on what I ( we ) are going through ..
We have been married 12 years with 3 lovely kids ( 10 , 7 , 2 ) . Our married life has never had any issues and we live a very happy life as a family , until recently ...
I am 41 , my wife is 36 , we had an active sex life up until the birth ( conception) of our son who is now just turning 2 years . Since this time we can count on 1 hand the number of times we have been intimate with each other , I have been very supportive as my wife has been extremely tired etc .. with kids waking , feeding and all the things that go hand in hand with bringing up children . Not to say I havent done my part with getting up in the night working full time , making meals and doing housework , I am very active in fulfilling my roll as a father and a husband .
In June this year I picked up my wifes phone to see she had been viewing porn during the night , the pages were left open . I was not spying . Nicely I asked her about this and she got all defensive saying she did it to get to sleep ? I accepted this ( hoping in a way it could reignite our own sex life ) but I would get always get pushed away with different excuses on any initiation of sex ( again tired , her body etc .. )
In October this year , we had to get our pc cleaned due to our kids clogging it with viruses from online games , it was then I found hours and hours of porn being veiwed mainly in the afternoon while our son was asleep . Again I confronted and tried to speak with my wife over this explaining how upset it made me feel and she said it was nothing and she did it because she was bored? Aagin I accepted this but asked her not to hide these things and be more open as it would help improve our own sex life ( and marriage ) .
It is now after Xmas and the habits ( looking at porn ) continue with her explaining she needs to do it to help her sleep ? But coming up to nearly 2 years without any intimacy I am beginning to feel very unwanted and extreemly low .
I always will hug and peck her on the cheek / lips when I can but even the affection is only 1 way . I have purposely not cuddled or approached her for the last few days to see if she noticed or even tried to cuddle me , but no , nothing !!
So I am looking for your own point of view on our relationship ..
Do you feel , she does not want to be with me anymore ? ( I am 100% sure there is noone else involved )
Do you think I should be trying harder ? ( I am not out of shape and consider myself healthy )
Do you feel she is being selfish and should really sit down and take a look at things .
I really would like any support / criticism on how you see our relationship or how you think it should go forward ?
Thanks
James

Sorry to hear that. Didn't want to read and run.
The porn things sounds a bit worrying tbh, addictive behaviour. It would be different if it was helping improve your intimacy.
Just to check- are you/ have you been pestering her for sex?
That is a huge turn off for women.
When all's said and done she needs to talk to you about what's going on with her.

What kind of porn is it? Female to female, male and female?

Is she possibly exploring a different avenue of her sexuality?

This level of usage does sound like an addiction tbh. I would sit down and express my concerns with my partner if I found excessive porn.

As a casual porn surfer, I think this might have started out as 'too tired to make love with husband but still need release', however your post obviously points in a direction that states that this has become the norm and not the occasional release she may have intended.

It can very easily go that way, as she can get into a habit and, of course, she only needs to please herself...much more appealing when exhausted.

It sounds like she has some other issues going on, if like you say, only you are affectionate.

I'd say, it's time to sit her down and begin to pick through your relationship so you're both laying your cards on the table.

We have chatted about sex and no I don't pester at all , I will cuddle her when we go to bed but she will simply put her back to me and go to sleep.
As for what kind of porn it is simply man on woman stuff and nothing extreme , I have thought of fantasies being viewed but nothing out of the ordinary . Thanks for advice so far

Relate as the porn is affecting the relationship you have.

ask her to stop watching it and put more effect into your marrage.

Its not on and its not your fault.

Sounds like she has withdrawn emotionally as well as sexually which would probably be worth looking at first.

She is clearly not happy in the relationship but that doesn't mean that you should just have to put up with her porn use.

You need to talk some more to find out what the real issues are.

You say this is your first post but this sounds familiar and so does your nn. Didn't you post a while ago about her not wanting to talk about this and refusing to go to counselling?

Never posted here before , sorry

So, have you considered counselling then?

I thought this post seemed very familiar too!

I am going to suggest counselling but I know my wife , and she will not want to discuss the porn issues .

Well if she wants to be in this relationship, she has a responsibiity to work towards resolving issues. If she doesn't, she should leave.

What do you hope to achieve if she won't talk about it?

You sound like a decent man and all credit to you for what you have done so far. Does she have self esteem issues? Is she depressed ? I think you need to sit her down and make her see that she is destroying your relationship. I know its difficult to make people talk esp if they dont want to .

Yes, you do need to talk to her, but you need to listen as well. Ask her what things she would like to change about your current relationship. If she says 'nothing' then you need to explain that even if she is content, you are not. If the changes she asks for are ridiculous or impossible (you to suddenly start earning five times what you do already/for the family to move to another country) then it sounds like she no longer really wants to be in the relationship but doesn't want to end it either.

I don't know you, obviously, and may be misjudging you, but it's not unusual for men to overestimate, massively, the amount of domestic work they do compared to the amount their wives do. How much leisure time do you each have during the week? It should be roughly the same amount.

Also, your post seems to be about the lack of a sex life. This is probably a symptom of other problems rather than the probelm itself, at least as far as she is concerned.

So instead of just trying to get your sexual relationship back, it's probably more important to try and talk about whatever other issues are bothering her.

And the only way to do that, is to talk honestly and, as SFB says, to listen.

So instead of asking her about her porn use, or asking why she doesn't want sex, just ask her how she is feeling and what she would like, in a ideal world, to make your relationship better.

She might just say she wants a break from the kids, a weekend away with friends or on her own, or she wants to go out once a week and have a lie in at the weekend. Simple stuff can be so important if it's lacking.

You need to talk to her about your relationship as a whole. For many it's not just the sex it's the rest of the day/ week/ month that makes a difference to wanting sex. How is it when you do it? Does she actually enjoy it/get anything out of it?

You say you do lots but would she agree?

She is a porn addict, it is impacting on your relationship and you need to make her attending counselling a condition of you remaining married to her.

the advice is the same as if this were a man pushing his wife away in favour of cheap thrills on the internet