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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you survive a toxic family without going NC?

7 replies

Arachnophobe · 26/12/2012 09:16

Just that - please advise how you manage it? I really don't want to gi back on anti-ds as don't think that is the answer. DH and I both have toxic families - I really feel that I would be a better person and parent if I had NC but that would affect my DC and DP which is totally unfair.
Please advise your coping strategies? Not so much as a phone call from either set of our parents to our DC (including poorly babys first xmas) yesterday and that is when we have been on good terms and totally graciously accepted them blowing out our christmas invite to spend it with our resprctive siblings (we are NC with his siblings long story but much to do with therm being narcisstic beyond stomaching and his parents playing them off against each other I think sadly) and my sibling having moved a six hour druve away and insisting my parents spend every xmas with them as she needs then to babysit while they run their and her in laws business on xmas day. I can understand this but as I was made to feel like I was interferring when I rang my sib night before last (when saying goodbye I said Id call again xmas eve wad told ' ummm xmas day we're busy tomorrow' I thought leave it and they can call when convenient on xnas day and not a fucking sausage from them or my oarents.
My DH is obvoiously a better person than I as he rang his but they couldnt wait to get off the phone and did not speak to the kids.
It sounds unbelievebly petty but I just want to run away from them whilst simultaneously wishing they gave more of a shit

OP posts:
Arachnophobe · 26/12/2012 09:25

Sorry that makes noooo sense and posted too soon. Now I have kids I recognise that way of negating me being followed through by blanking/picking up and dropping of my children and alarm bells are going. DH says just chill we get on with lives, see them when we see them keep it sweet etc. But I have so much anger as s hormonal mess leaving the kids for full time work and no support from anyone whereas both sets drop everything for precious sibs who behave like brats/bullies if they don't get their way. It makes me feel like being nice gets you nowhere but I would rather not sell my soul to get some attention.

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Arachnophobe · 26/12/2012 09:31

Lastly we have always put up with the crap but the longed for arrival of our plb this year has been met with some sad indifference and even hostility which has pushed things to another level for me and I think I have clicked that we may be better off without contact but that's for my selfish reasons and is not my right hence I just want tips to cope with the hurt please/not get confrontational when poked with a stick so to speak. Thanks.

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CaptainNancy · 26/12/2012 10:01

Ask yourself honestly- what do you/ your family get from having contact (i' guessing NC = no contact?)
You have your children to think of now- they need you to be happy.
Surround yourself with friends, and enjoy life- it's all too short as. It is.
Have a lovely Christmas, and all the best for 2013 Thanks

3b1g · 26/12/2012 10:09

I do feel for you. We now have NC in person with MIL & SIL after the latter hit me in front of the children and the former threw us out in the late evening with a five hour drive to face.

Have recently considered NC with my own parents (see my AIBU thread about whether to try 1-2-3 magic on them) but keeping contact going for the children as they are very loving, positive grandparents.

My coping strategies:
Emotional lack of involvement.
They don't have a key to our house.
Plans are made by email so we have evidence.
DH and I refuse to be ambushed and will not agree to anything until we have checked with each other.

Midwife99 · 26/12/2012 10:12

Come & join us on the Stately Homes thread - we understand totally!!

Salbertina · 26/12/2012 10:23

Therapy?
Knowledge-some good books Children of the self-absorbed, Toxic Parents. Understanding the family dynamic so it hurts a little less.
Not easy but as midwife says, some good support on Stately Homes.

Arachnophobe · 26/12/2012 11:24

Thank you all - that was a three part self indulgent waffle about nothing on my part but I couldn't even begin to scratch the surface of it on here.

I will go to Stately Homes but not ready to tackle it just yet - I got one therapy session on the NHS some time ago and got told it sounds like I don't know where I 'fit'.

The problem is I don't want to fit anywhere in there as it is but wish I did.
Thank you all I wish you inner peace xx

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