Feeling let down after a friend's wedding

[Lethal]

Ok, I'm sure people will have a different 'take' on this, but I couldn't help coming away from my friend's wedding the other night feeling disappointed and a bit annoyed. Basically I have known her for 15 years, the last five years or so she has been living in a different city and we've kept in touch mostly via phone calls and email. She has come up once or twice to visit but sometimes it's been months in between phone calls, mainly I think because I have been married for quite some time and have a young son, whereas she has been in and out of relationships and has changed careers a couple of times, so our lives have been somewhat different.

In October, after several months of no contact, she phoned and told me she was getting married. DH and I were really surprised and happy for her (she was a bridesmaid at our wedding). She said she would be very pleased if we could fly down for her wedding, to which I said of course we would. I spoke to her a couple of times to ask how things were going etc, and then we flew down for the wedding last Friday. The whole trip entailed return flights, a hotel stay-over, wedding gift and hire car. Anyway, at the end of the ceremony, the guests were asked to go straight to the reception as the couple were on a time limit for photographs etc, so we didn't have a chance to speak to her after the ceremony. She finally turned up at the reception a couple of hours later (the reception was a cocktail party held under a marquis, not a sit-down dinner - it was fairly informal), and she went around chatting to the guests. I would say there was about sixty people there, maybe a few more. DH and I didn't know anyone at the wedding but we figured she would make her way over to us when she had a chance - we wanted to give her some space to get around to everyone. We got talking to some of the groom's family members, who were really nice, but it was a little awkward not knowing anyone else there. She walked past us several times to speak to the same group of people, but for some reason didn't come near us. I totally understand what weddings can be like when it comes to talking to everyone, but this was more of a 'party' atmosphere and there weren't an exceptional number of people there. It must have been at least two hours later when we finally grabbed the moment to approach her to say hello, and when we did, she spoke to us for a couple of moments, introduced us to the groom and then walked away again. She said something like 'oh sorry it's taken so long to get to you', but then just disappeared again - the only time we got to speak to her again after this was when we were about to leave. We said goodbye to her & the groom, she talked to us for a couple of moments and thanked us for coming... and that was it. The feeling I got from her was that she couldn't have really cared whether we had come at all.

As I said, I'm very aware of how 'manic' weddings can be, but she made no effort to come near us and when we approached her, she didn't hang around long enough to have a conversation. I just feel that after all our effort to be there, she could have acknowledged us more than she did. I was actually a bit hurt as I had been looking forward to seeing her again and since we had been good friends, I expected things to be somewhat different. The only nice thing about coming home again was my little ds telling me he missed me . Guess I'm just confused/hurt about her lukewarm attitude and I'm wondering if anyone else would have felt the same way I did. Sorry this is long.

I doubt it was deliberate tbh but I do understand why you're peed off. I think nights or days out take on greater significance once you have babysitters etc to sort out before you can go anywhere and she probably doesn't 'get' this, being childless. It was still a bit rude of her though and I think she should have made more effort but sometimes it's hard when there are so many people to get round - I'm sure I didn't talk to people as much as I'd have liked when I got married and there were only 70? odd at my wedding too. Do you think maybe the friendship has run its course given different lifestyles etc?

Possibly www, but she was "SO EXCITED" that we were coming down for the wedding, etc etc. She is one of those people that always acts so pleased to see you/talk to you, but I'm afraid her wedding day was a bit of a shock to me. If she felt that our friendship had run its course, I don't know why she went out of her way to ask us to come. Anyway... I didn't expect her to make a song and dance about our presence there , but dh & I really felt ignored even though we understand what weddings are like. Been there done that ourselves...

Well I managed to offend someone so much at my wedding that he hasn't spoken to me since! Same reason - I didn't speak to him. TBH I didn't even see him. I remember wanting to speak to dh and it took me 2 hours to get to him as every time I tried to move across the room to him I was stopped by someone who wanted to chat. Then when I looked again he'd gone. Unless someone kind of shoved themsleves in my face I didn't manage to get to them. I think weddings are aways a bit odd when you don't know anyone else there.

We managed to get round this problem by arriving at the reception venue first and greeting and thanking all the guests as they arrived. That way there wasn't quite so much pressure to get round the room to see everyone. I must admit that I mixed with my friends more than family as some had travelled a fair distance to get there whereas my family were all local.

I think I would have been a bit annoyed too but weddings can be so manic that I doubt your friend deliberately avoided you. If you really feel that you are drifting apart then perhaps you could just limit contact to e-mails and maybe a phone-call now and again. Once she has children of her own (presuming that she wants children and is aucky enough to be able to have them) you might find that you have more in common again and become closer.

That should have read "lucky enough to have them"!

The afternoon before my wedding we had a little gathering at my mom's house for relatives on her side of the family that I hadn't seen in many years, just so I could chat with these people, realising that they were making the effort to come to the wedding but at the event itself I wouldn't have much chance to speak to anybody for more than 1-3 minutes. A few friends that my parents wanted to invite I hardly spoke to on the day, but that didn't seem too unfair given these people were really my parents friends, not mine! Basically, I think I would feel put out in your place, too, Lethal.

Travelled to my uncle's wedding about 10 years ago in Florida. Although we didn't speak much on the night or that week, he and his wife have repeatedly told me since how touched and honoured they were they I made that effort. It doesn't sound like your friend is making much effort at all to thank you for coming, Lethal.

I had a similar experience (although I didn't go to the wedding). I shared a house with my friend at University in the late 80's. We went our separate ways but kept in touch every few months. She came to my wedding in 1995, stayed with us. We are both fairly erratic with keeping in touch, but always pick up again with no problems.

She phoned to say she was getting married earlier this year and invite us to the wedding (she had also had a string of relationships over the years). I was really please for her. Unfortunately she had her wedding on Easter Saturday, 3 months after my twins were born (already had 18 month ols as well), and we reluctantly decided we couldn't cope with the wedding (partly because we thought we wouldn't know anyone else and she wouldn't have time to spend with us). Since then she has not answered any emails, and only sent a Christmas card with one line (must keep in touch). I sent a photo od our boys and a letter with all our news ( a real effort to write because I never seem to have time).

I feel very sad that either I have upset her or she is just too busy with her new life to keep in touch.

It is a shame your friend did not appreciate the effort and expense you went to on her behalf.

Whilst I do understand why you were hurt Lethal (i really do), I would be tempted to cut the bride some slack. She was enjoying her day and probably lost track of whom she had spoken to...

I generally agree it is impossible to talk to everyone at occasions like this, but I think as you didn't know anyone there and also had travelled to get there, she should have made more of an effort. I think I would have been quite disappointed too.