MIL wanting to "help"

[WaitingForMe]

I mostly need to rant but if anyone has a suggestion for how to get through to her that'd be great.

DS is 6 weeks old and I have two stepsons aged 7 and 4. When DS was born we had to stay in hospital for four nights. My mum had come down and she helped DH with what we actually needed (laundry, hot meals for him etc).

The weekend I was in hospital it was our weekend to have the DSSs and MIL offered to have them. We said thanks but no. DM came and did the long hospital visit and DH got to spend time with the boys (recharging his batteries and maintaining some normalcy). MIL was a bit put out and felt we were letting DM help but not her (well yes because DM was doing the boring kind of help that supported us in the way we needed).

After being made redundant a few weeks ago we just found out DH has a new job starting on 2nd Jan. I'll have now have all three kids on my own for two day times. No big deal, the DSSs are easy kids. But MIL keeps saying I can take them all over to hers.

I've tried explaining that getting them all in the car and going for a drive when I don't get much sleep and am rather tired is the difficult option so thanks but I'd rather stay at home. MIL is welcome to come over and see us but immediately after Christmas the DSSs will just want food throwing at them as they'll have loads of new toys. MIL doesn't want that and keeps reiterating her offer. DH says to just ignore her and completely understands that three kids at home sounds easy to me but dressing and packing for a day out (albeit to a family member) a bit more challenging and I'd rather take things a bit easy (we're hosting for 11 for lunch today).

I know MIL is just being her usual centre of the universe but it's starting to annoy me that she's suggesting I'm being martyr like and should accept help!

congratulations
is MIL asking to look after the dss's while you have newborn ds? Is this just over xmas or also when school starts? MIL may be able to help with taking/collecting dss from school perhaps?
Just reiterate that you're fine as things are but you'll let her know if you need anything.

Saw MIL last weekend, last night, she's coming today and we'll probably take the DSSs over for another visit before Christmas. She lives a 25 min drive away.

She wants me and the boys to decamp to hers for the day so packing up their new toys (they have toys at hers but will want to play with the stuff they got for Christmas) and all DSs stuff. She will then play with the kids while I sit twiddling my thumbs. She can't collect as can't drive (but FIL could drop her off/could get bus to ours).

I'd happily be labelled lazy for wanting to stay at home (where if we all stay in our PJs and order pizza for lunch it doesn't matter), it's her insistence that I need to take things easy and accept help that is getting annoying. Because it's not what she wants she's framing it as me as taking on too much and being too proud to ask for help.

She used to be more involved in looking after the DSSs and resents that she doesn't get to any more (this is because we selfishly decided they could start school).

Could you just keep repeating:

MIL, thank you so much for your lovely offer to help. This is what I need.. You come to my house, please bring food. The DSS's will play with their toys so perhaps you can cuddle newborn while I have a shower each morning and then do a spot of cleaning while I feed newborn. At lunchtime you could prepare us lunch and if you're still looking for things to do after all that, you could prepare our evening meal in advance of DH getting home.
What a lovely MIL you are, thank you so much"

Keep repeating and refuse any deviations from above plan.

Or is there no way she'd have it?

Oh good Godfrey. I'm sorry, I have no advice just imagining my MIL saying same and my hands wrapping snuggly around her neck.

Sorry, i'm shattered and have been no use.

Perfectly understandable that she should want some "granny time" with the DSSs. Why dress it up as helping you though, when it clearly isn't? Presumably she missed the bit where DM came to yours, you didn't have to traipse over to hers to get the help. She would have had some kind of a point if that had been the case.

You sent them to school? What kind of an ogre ARE you??!!

This is where it is your DH's job to step in and point out that the test of whether something counts as 'helping' is whether it benefits the recipient more than the giver.

He needs to tell her VERY FIRMLY that you aren't playing martyr, you are being HONEST - her plan is more for her benefit than yours, and is more difficult for you than staying at home.

hi waiting I would insist that you dont want DSS s feeling shipped off and pushed out in any shape or form with their new baby brother only just born you would like them all together over the holidays to just chill.

Sorry just re read post ...she wants you and baby aswell as DSS s...oh tell her you re tired and just cant be bothered or arrange to and then cancel because ( you had a bad night etc) sorry no help but I totally get where you re coming from.

I think you're being rather ungracious, actually. She's trying to help you fgs.

Ah, the old "I will help you in a way I decide is helpful and expect you to like it".

Can't someone else pack up and drive though?

Ah, the old "I will help you in a way I decide is helpful and expect you to like it"

It's easier for your MIL to offer to host you at hers because she's not packing her house up and got a good night's sleep - you've made a counter offer that makes more sense is easier for you; she was declined.

Ah, my MIL was really great at giving help which wasn't help at all, too. Nothing that could possible make my life harder was too much trouble for her

You just have to say "No thank you, that really is too much for me at present, I am simply not physically able to do that. If you can do xxx it would be tremendously helpful, but I understand if you can't". Repeat ad nauseam.

Can MIL drive? Is it harder for her to travel to yours than the other way round (apart from the packing kids up issue)?

MIL is recovering from being ill earlier in the year and on a driving ban.

I suggested we all visit on New Years Day when DH can drive. That way MIL gets a visit that week but I don't have to take on extra work the first time I'm looking after all of the kids.

Thank you DHs ex wife for deciding to go out New Years Eve and give us the boys to babysit!

Oh right, so it kind of makes sense that she wants you to do the travelling, although it still isn't fair on you under the circumstances. I think your compromise sounds sensible.

Oh yes OP, why don't you just put yourself out and stop moaning ? Is this milsnet now?

Stick to ur guns. U will regret it more in long run if u don't.