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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trapped in body & soul. Yay it's Christmas again.

21 replies

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 24/12/2012 23:39

Am hanging on by a thread. Trying to batten down the hatches & get through the next few days trapped with my parents.

V nasty mother makes it clear that everything is my fault & I can do no right. I am not allowed to feel anything or be anything. She only wants me here so I bring Ds. Basically it would all be so much easier if only I had died not my sister. She has made my life a misery for three decades & now she's pulling the 'oh poor little old me' card & it sticks in my throat.

I have been diagnosed with a lesser version of same thing that killed my sister. I have become terribly disabled. I begged my parents for help in the summer & they said no. Finally helped by taking my child for half a week each week for 5 weeks. Mother has refused to speak to me since August, yet has gone round the village getting sympathy for how hard it all is that her last living daughter is so ill.

They've got no idea how ill I am or what medical things have happened... Because they don't care enough to ask. Yet pretend to know to other people to get sympathy & support. My mother makes me feel physically sick.

I had to go to theirs for Xmas as my carers are on holiday & didnt want my baby to go to theirs without me. I hate it. Am trapped here & it's horrible knowing they only want me here to get to their grandson. Couple of weeks ago My dad phoned me up to say I needed to make a will naming them as executors & legal guardians of my son. When pushed he told me they'd left everything to my son in trust - with neither trustee bring myself. So they disinherited me And forcing me to give them my son. And are so unashamed of their begaviour they cant see anything wrong with it. Lucky I've no intention of dying or giving them Ds. But they find new ways to hurt me all the time.

Being at my parents house is like torture. Trapped in small village w no public transport or even a taxi company. As always every action movement or breathe is listened into & judged. Can't phone anyone, can't even go to the loo without them overhearing. Cried earlier as my father had 'lost' most of my ds presents from me. Went into a flat spin cos my eyes go red & puffy when i cry, & its like ammunition to them. It's only on this visit they've finally accepted I will be staying in bed most of it & they can't force me to get up & do everything their way, cos I am so crippled now. But they are itching to try & make me anyway.

Sorry had to unload somehow. It's awful. Sorry probably doesn't even make sense.

OP posts:
Chippychop · 24/12/2012 23:44

Not sure what to say.i am so Sorry you feel this way and hope life will improve. After Xmas make a plan to rid yourself of your dependence on them. There will be a way. You can do it. Lots of love

MatureUniStudent · 24/12/2012 23:50

You poor thing. All I can suggest is that somehow, can you arrange for Xmas next year to be v different? My eldest enables a woman, she cares for, and they arranged for care to continue during the holidays.

My ex lives in the same village as me and has worked hard to garner support for poor him, so I have some understanding of how saintly your mother is, whilst really having a black heart. I don't know if you can try a different tack, and refuse to be affected by them. Refuse to be hurt anymore by them - be determined to keep what control you can by not letting them rule you anymore? Do have a happy christmas, and you have my best wishes. (and you made perfect sense!)

CooEeeEldridge · 25/12/2012 00:04

Bless you, I don't have any real advice, but good luck and positive thoughts! X is your child's partner around in any way? Could you involve him / other carers in future? Hope it's all not too awful anyway. X

CooEeeEldridge · 25/12/2012 00:04

Child's farther, not partner!

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 25/12/2012 00:16

Thanks all, feel better I can contact real humans on mumsnet anyway! It's the trapped & no privacy thing that gets me, so am always under fire as it were, no chance to regroup & get my amour on.

I can't
Do this again, just kills me, but it's hard to find an alternative, people do family at Christmas, and when I wasnt ill I could opt out & spend it w dh... But he left me & now I can't look after myself or Ds well enough to be a good guest...

OP posts:
izzyizin · 25/12/2012 00:21

If you're entitled to home care, you're entitled to care when your regular carers go on holiday and I'm wondering why this wasn't organised for you.

Your situation sounds familiar - didn't you post before when you were trapped at your dps?

Owlfright · 25/12/2012 00:29

OP your situation sounds so very tough. FWIW I think for now you need to focus on getting through the Christmas period in whatever way you can.

Your parents sound incredibly toxic. I really hope that as another poster suggested you can find ways to separate your life (and your DS's life) from theirs in the new year.

Every tiny step you take towards this goal will be a good move for you and DS.

Keep posting on MN, it is an incredible source of support and full of wise advice.

kiwigirl42 · 25/12/2012 00:30

Pm me if you need a private whinge. Have similar mother and health problems. If it wasn't for DH I could well be in your situation (((hugs)))

DeafLeopard · 25/12/2012 00:35

OP that sounds horrid - not wise enough to give advice, but I can send you a big hug.

jessjessjess · 25/12/2012 01:15

This sucks, am so sorry. Please remember you can put wherever you damn well like in your will.

jessjessjess · 25/12/2012 01:31

Whatever, even

Sunnywithachanceofjinglebells · 25/12/2012 01:41

Op that sounds terrible. Massive hugs to you xxx

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 25/12/2012 04:39

Thank you all. Yes life separating is the way forwards. I was doing really well with this until I got ill & physically had to depend on them more again... Brought all those problems straight out again.

My goal is to get my care plan less shaky so there aren't so many emergencies when I have to ask for help?- this is easier said than done. If only I could DO more.... Last Christmas was less bad emotionally as I was at home (parents came to mine), but I also totally overdid things & ended up with nerve damage losing the use of my legs for 3 months. I am only just clawing way back from that, so cannot do that again!!

And yes I have posted about this in the past, usually in chat so it disappears though.

OP posts:
cornystollenslave · 25/12/2012 04:58

sorry you're going through this OP - that sounds very difficult
did your dad find your ds's presents? Is there anyone that can talk to them about how they're behaving towards you? Does ds witness it?

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 25/12/2012 16:06

God I hate being trapped with them. They needle & needle & then when I snap back they get to be all affronted & upset & blame me :(

Trying not to cry again and failing. They are so sly & entrenched in their nastiness that they always manipulate me into being the grumpy/ rude/ short one. And I fall for it each time :(

OP posts:
rhondajean · 25/12/2012 16:09

Op what a pair if bloody bastards.

I hope 2013 when it arrives is a better year for you.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 25/12/2012 17:26

I hope so too... I get do confused I know all about gas lighting & cognitive dissonance, but I find it impossible to maintain a clear head in the face of a life times programming.

My father tried to stop me giving Ds all the presents (by 'accidentally losing/ misplacing/ forgetting to get them etc etc etc) as my mother goes apeshit if I get him more / better than her... Aparently from last years conflict she feels unimportant if I 'deliberately' upstage her. Like, by giving my own SON presents?!?!?! I remember being a child

So my dad will actually try & take my presents away from his 2 1/2 grandson because of that. To 'keep the peace', as i have a 'personality clash' with my mother... Err, yes, personality clash is what I'd call three decades of emotional abuse and neglect and general nasty cruelty. Off him too, not just her, he's always slid out of everything & conned me into taking his side, or protecting him against her, from the age of 7 I was conned into doing that.

And I feel utterly powerless. I wanted Ds to have a relationship with them as that's all the family we have, but it may have to be without Christmases, as I can't do this again

OP posts:
justaboutchilledout · 25/12/2012 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeafLeopard · 25/12/2012 21:35

What an utter pair of shits your parents are to behave like this to you.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 25/12/2012 22:44

Ugh knackered & fucked off with self, a nasty comment just slipped out, I mean even nastier than the passive aggressive shite I've been locked into... Oh dear, now I feel like I hate myself too :( why can't I just shut my fucking mouth??? I hate being so weak & getting sucked into this & manipulated into betraying what I stand for and who I am. Weak & nasty I am :(

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 25/12/2012 22:50

Oh love, what a pair of self-centred and horrible narcissists.

Do you know the Stately Homes thread on this board? It's made for people with parents like this, and there are plenty of resources (books and links) on the first post.

I'd like to react to your comment: I can't Do this again, just kills me, but it's hard to find an alternative, people do family at Christmas,

Actually, not all do. Once you resign from the "happy family Christmas" visions which is so well marketed, you will realise that there are plenty of people who don't do family at Christmas. I just spent a lovely Christmas day with 6 other people (friends, and friends of friends) - none of home travelled home for Christmas, for a variety of reasons - and it was lovely and stress-free.

I realise that with your health problems, there are some additional hurdles for you. But I just want to assure you that you do not have to spend Christmas with people who are so damaging to you, just because they are "family".

(By the same token, you do not "have" to pick up the phone when they ring, make nice with them when they act out, etc etc. You are free to fill your own time with whomever you choose.)

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