Can he be a prick without actually saying something

[MordecaiMargaret]

Hi, I would love to hear anyone's advice on how to respond or deal with this. It will probably seem really trivial to you. DH is a bit drunk, we're at the IL's for Christmas and I'm thousands of miles from my family & friends. Since about 3 hours ago he's just been short, grumpy & (I think) prickish to me. Whenever I asked a question he's just looked at me with such disdain and barely answered. Our son is feeling a bit sick and he & I were cuddling on the couch when I jumped because I thought he was going to be sick and dh said 'oh Jesus, OP he's not going to be sick' in a tone of disgust at me. This is all in front of his parents. Later, when ds woke, dh came up the stairs with some medicine for him, I asked him 3 times in the hall what it was and 3 times in front of ds, he ignored and didn't answer. Turned out to be calpol but I was raging he just ignored me. When I asked him what was up and why he's being so grumpy to me, he's feigned ignorance and gone 'what are you talking about, tell me what I've said, you're crazy and trying to start a fight, I never told you about the medicine because I didn't want ds to hear' he always does this, doesn't actually say anything horrible but is so grumpy to me and then makes out I'm the bitch when I try to sort it out. He's told me now 'get off the edge OP, I know you miss your family but you're acting awful to me' am I? I was just trying to sort it out. It's Christmas Eve and I don't want to be going through a fight especially with his parents around so I'm trying to sort it out but he's making it seem like I've to say sorry now. He does this a lot. Sorry for rambling post, confused more than anything and wanted to get it out.

Is that his drunk self?

I'd tell him to stop drinking for the rest of the visit.

He sounds v frustrated with something, and taking it out on you. If he is drunk this early it isn't going to get any better as the day goes on. His social skills will not improve with more alcohol.

I can only suggest you simply don't respond to any childishness, IF you don't wish an argument. He has some problem which he is inviting you to suffer from as well. Don't accept the invitation.

Thanks for replies, should have said, we're in Aus so it's nighttime here. Yeah this is his drunk self but a lot like this in real life too if things annoy him, same shit, short, grumpy and snappy at me and ds but when challenged on it, it's 'you're not happy till we're fighting and you've made me shout at you' I know I should just ignore him but I hate being spoken to like I'm stupid or being dismissed, and the tone of his voice and the way he looks at me is with real hate. If I tell him to stop drinking for the visit, he'll ask why, I'll tell him and he'll tell me I'm making it all up and he was perfectly fine to me, when I tell him about tone of voice etc he says he didn't mean it at all like that and I'm being dramatic to cause a fight

Which is why someone drunk can't be reasoned with.

He does sound like he doesn't like/love you v much as you are not worth the respect involved. IF this is normal, it's up to you how much you are prepared to have you and your ds have an oppressed life for the sake of him expressing his frustrations.

'you're not happy till we're fighting and you've made me shout at you'

Classic red flag: his behaviour is your doing, is it?

You're right, most of the 'you're making it all up' explanation comes out when he's sober and I'm telling him why he's upset me. I know drunks can't be reasoned with and I shouldn't have risen to the bait tonight.

He sounds a complete prick. I appreciate that you are a long way from home at present, which must be pretty grim; probably the best way to cope is: do you get on with anyone else in the family, a SIL or his mother? Politely ignore your H when he starts acting up, and chat to other family members.

Then when you get home, have a think about whether you're prepared to put up with his behaviour any longer. It's OK to decide to leave a man who is continually rude and unkind, you don't need his permission to dump him.

Oh that old classic ' you're making it all up ...'''

Beware. Beloved line of absusers everywhere - trying to make out you're unreasonable and place doubt in your mind.

Just grit your teeth for now - it is all you can do when you're so far from home. The revisit this when you're back and decide what you are going to do.

Ah yes pushing you into questioning behaviour / getting annoyed and then blaming it on you. Charming.

Gaslighting and also passive-agressive. Good indcators of an abusive man.

Does he feel guilty that you are away from your family? He sounds a little defensive to me, as if he expects you to be upset, and feels it is his fault! That said, being drunk is no excuse for being unkind, and yes you can be unkind without saying anything. Isn't 70% of communication meant to be non verbal?

My abusive ex used to do this to me.

Note 'abusive' and also 'ex'.

You're not going mad. Get the Lundy Bancroft book to give you clarity.

Thanks so much for the replies, unfortunately I live in this country with him so I won't get to go home. Just went down to open Santa presents, in laws there too, as I was taking the rest out he told me to 'leave it OP' then after 2 mins he and his mother took them all out. His mom asked him if she could buy some presents from Santa too, I said tell her no, we do the Santa presents as the parents. She has bought more presents from Santa than we did. Of course, I can't say anything about it now as it would seem so ungracious. I don't know if he didn't relay the message or if she wilfully ignored it. I'm close to tears all morning. I don't know why I'm here being ignored when I should be at home with people who love me. He's pissed off at me being upset as it'll make inlaws uncomfortable. I'm trying to hide it. He hasn't said anything about last night but still grumpy & pissed off with me, thanks for listening, I don't want to burden my family as they'll worry and no one here to talk to.

Nasty cowardly little bully, isn't he?

Waits til you're reliant on him as you're stuck with his family - and then turns on you.

I don't think it's just the drink (although that won't be helping), he sounds like he wants to give you a miserable time and flex his bully muscles while he knows you can't answer back.

Nasty nasty nasty

If I were you I'd be booking a flight home for a 'visit' ASAP in the NY and not come back.

Are you there permanently? Are the children and you properly resident?

I'm a permanent resident and my son is a citizen, day to day apart from all this he's good to us, we have a laugh and he does half the housework & is good with ds. I sometimes go to visit people I know in Sydney for the weekend and he minds ds, I'm always nervous to ask things of him. He rarely says no but gets in a huff and stays moody for ages so I generally don't ask anymore. He actually hates confrontation and gets really stroppy if I try to talk about anything, then it escalates into a fight and he seems so bitter and resentful, brings up things I did or didn't do in the past, tiny things I think are inconsequential and points them out as example of 'you do things wrong too'. The thing is I never accuse him of anything but if I try to talk about anything at all he gets so defensive and starts to attack.
We're going home for Xmas next year and I want to ask him not to drink too much there but I know it'll turn into a shitfight and I'll be made to feel like a bitch for asking. He'll say it's not that bad and I'm just trying to make him feel bad again. If I'm really honest, I wish he wasn't coming at all and I could spend time with everyone without worrying about him. That sounds awful I know

My son is a citizen of home too, was born there, we moved here two years ago when he was 2

Can you spike his guns by talking to his parents?

'I'm sorry, I know you've picked up on my mood, I just wanted to let you know it's nothing to do with you.. DH has been nasty to me in an underhand way since we arrived. I don't know why, but I'm trying to ignore it. Sorry if its making you anxious.'

What's the worst that can happen?

He is a prick, btw. And you might want to let him know that as you're a permanent resident, there's nothing to stop you leaving him and finding a much nicer Aussie to take his place...

His mom and stepdad thinks he's brilliant, part of the reason his grumpiness to me feels so crap is that he's being lovely to them. They're fine and I'm actually doing my best and getting on fine, chatting and helping out etc because I don't want my son to pick up on anything but its like the three of them are having Christmas with ds and I'm the outsider they're putting up with because I'm ds' mom. I was speaking to my family this morn and not one asked how they are or anything. DH has barely spoken to me and is intermittently napping on the couch, he obv knows I'm sad and I think if he cared he'd at least ask how I am. It's like I'm such an inconvenience, I hardly ever show how lonely I am cause he hates it but I can't help it today coupled with how he is & was last night.
I'm going to focus on my son having the best day and be nice with his family while being detached and civil to him. I'll download that book someone mentioned on Kindle. I know he'll eventually ask 'what's wrong with you' and I want to know what to say without giving him the opp to turn it back on me, no matter how I say anything he takes it as an attack and passive aggressively punishes me. Thanks so much for letting me vent. It's been such a help

My ex used to be like this round his parents. Like he had back up and could be as nasty as he wanted to me because it was HIS parents house etc. he clearly loved doing it too. He even had massive go's ate on front of them. His Mum would stop it but his Dad (where he gets it from) rarely said anything.

I'd do what you say, be polite but distant, don't make eye contact with him. Be lovely to everyone else. If he asks say briefly, you are being very nasty and aggressive towards me, which he is and I can't be bothered with it. Then walk away, do not engage.

Get him home and have the blazing row that is needed there.

However I don't expect it will do much good, because he sounds like he doesn't actually like you very much and is being very overt in showing in when he feels safe to do so.

I think you may have reached a point in this relationship where you need to ask yourself is this what you want from life.

He is an abusive prick and this will get worse. He will slowly eat away at you.

What is tying you to Australia apart from him? Do you want to be home near your own family? Your DS will be happy wherever you are happy, but right now you arent happy are you?

Please please consider leaving this man. Whether it be staying out there and building a life for you and DS, or coming home, you deserve better.

So today we were going to dh's step uncle for Christmas dinner, big thing with aunts, uncles, cousins and I donn't know any of them. I came close to having a panic attack in the room on my own because I couldn't do it. Dh came to make up with me. I know I should be stronger and you'll all think me pathetic but I was stupidly grateful that I got a way out of having to go there with us obv fighting and inlaws thinking I'm being difficult.

I decided I'm just going to let him think he's got away with it again to get through today, I don't have the strength today. He actually said I know you may not be thinking straight at the moment because you miss your family but you can't keep starting fights and you can't keep acting like a child. I just said yeah, we'll just put it behind us and have a good day today for ds.

I'm seething at him and his parents who saw how he treated me last night and this morning, saw how upset I was and just left me on my own to deal with it. I know he's their son but to not even ask if I'm ok or how I am, that lack of compassion is alien to me. I think he's made them think I'm a difficult person he has to put up with and they feel sorry for him. The good thing about their behaviour today is I couldn't care less what they think of me anymore. She actually walked in on me crying, turned around and walked out.

I can't really make a decision as to what I'm going to do yet. I'd rather have peace while I think about it. I know it's deceitful to let him think everything's ok while I'm reevaluating whether or not to stay but I don't see any other way.

What steps would you advise from here for me? Couples counselling?

I know I've painted a bad picture of him and all of what I've said is true and in black and white looks like its an easy decision to make but most of the time he's a good and decent man. He puts mine and ds' needs and wants before his and apart from this bullshit I usually feel secure that he loves and likes me. I might be being stupid. I'm still trying to ingest that his behaviour is abusive and my head around the fact it's not me who's at fault when he's like this.

Thanks so much everyone, I hope you're all having a great Christmas xxx

I wouldnt say you are being deceitful at all. You do whatever you need to to get through it. And if that means letting him think hes won while getting your head together then so be it.

I am glad you have made up, even though it is superficially, just so you can relax a little. Any break from the nastiness is good.

Take your time. You are not pathetic. But keep reminding yourself that you are not the cause of the problems. You are not the childish one.

I hope you have a nice day today!

my ex was just like this and is one of the main reasons he is an ex. now with a lovely man who wouldnt dream of doing this and i am so much happier not wondering what ill be held responsible for next.