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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

dh - bullying me at xmas - will never change

16 replies

schooldays · 24/12/2012 09:07

hi
feeling very alone and down this morning. long long story but my dh and i seperated last year. very ugly situation of verbal, emotional, financial abuse. i finally had enough last jan and had him removed from the house. this time last year i was in an awful state. i was literally living on my nerves and just got through xmas. so anyway in sept we got back together after counselling etc. and things have been going ok. few money issues but we got them sorted.
so this year was actually i was feeling so happy that we had put a couple of horrible years behind us. i was really excited for xmas. we have young kids so santa and all the hype has been brilliant.
dh got his hols from work on fri and again we were both excited to have some family time and a chance to chill etc. but guess what - of course it hasn't worked out like that - more fool me. this prob sounds mad but yest i could just sense that he was gone or going into one of his moods. he has this way of nearly acting like a teenager when hes getting into bad form. he usually goes for a couple pints every night but last nite i had to go to a church function so he stayed in and looked after kids and seemed fine with that. i came home at 10 pm with my brother and dh insisted we go down to the local for a couple so we did back at 11.30pm and again dh seemed fine he had a couple of bottles of beer at home and seemed really chilled. so we went to bed at 1am and were chatting and cuddling and then i said nite and he started sulking saying i thought we were going to make love. i said no that wasnt my intention am knackered - he wasnt angry as such just almost sulking and making me feel guilty - saying i never want to (we have already had sex 3 times this wek so its not like hes deprived). so 5am our 2 yr old was coughing and crying so i brough him into our bed and out of the blue dh started telling me i was lazy and terrible person to bring ds into our bed instead of going and geting him cough bottle etc etc - again not shouting but being really horrible. he took ds to kitchen and got him cough bottle and put him back in his cot. he nearly wanted a medal for it. he kept telling me i was lazy etc etc. so told him he was an asshole and he doesnt deserve me. he said he'd never forgive me etc. (ps i am up almost every night to one of the dc's and he doesn't ever even hear them so it not like i am lazy)
sorry if this sounds childish but you would just have to be here to get a sense of his attitude and the way he can say alot without saying much at all. and when i try and respond he makes out likes hes the injured party.
so am awake since 5am very upset. here with my two smallies (while he is still in bed) and instead of being over the moon about santa with my 4yr old dd who has been counting the days - i am here upset - tired - hungover - disappointed.
i cant figure out is he over tired from the pints the last few nights, he is mad that i went out last night which meant he couldn't - what is it?????????
merry xmas!

OP posts:
FlojoHoHoHo · 24/12/2012 09:13

He is probably over tired. I wouldnt be in a great mood if someone plonked at toddler on my bed at 5am.
But calling you lazy Shock his ass would have been straight out my bed and out the door. I would kick him out, Xmas or not, at the least he'd see how out of order he is and he can spend his annual leave reflecting on that but since he has form I doubt he'd change. But once he's gone you can enjoy the rest of your day and Xmas day without his bad mood and abuse hanging over you.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow · 24/12/2012 09:14

Morning, it's crap that he's taking it out on you, and he shouldn't say those things. Giving him the benefit of the doubt here, maybe he is feeling really hung over too, and just being a twat? on the other hand, maybe it's just never going to work long term?

I don't know what to say, but get Christmas over with (it will be brilliant because your kids will be so happy!) then see how the land lies, but saying he's never going to forgive you etc? WTF forgive you for what?
Two choices, call him on it, and have it out, or leave it til after Christmas then tell him you think he's a twat again!
Good luck, and Merry Christmas!

schooldays · 24/12/2012 09:18

thanks for your reply - i didnt plonk ds on his bed i brought him into our bed and had him all cuddled up on my side. he was coughing and prob annoying dh but hey isnt that the joy of having kids!
believe me he wont just leave if i asked him! police had to get involved last time as i had tried everything to get him to leave over the previous months and he would just laugh at me and say he was going nowhere.
i just really thought this was a new start -

OP posts:
HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 24/12/2012 09:22

You finally had enough and got him removed. He then played the role he knew would likely get him back in. And it did. And he played that part for a couple of months until you were properly sucked back in.

And now he's going back to who he really is.

He didn't change and he probably won't.

MissKeithLemon · 24/12/2012 09:31

Abusive partners often behave really terribly on high days and holidays ime. Sad Ruining what are meant to be happy memories for you and your dc and generally behaving like the true twat he is.

He will probably never change.

Get through the next week as best you can and then get rid and start afresh again this year. THis time don't get sucked back in further down the line. Keep reminding yourself its all an act designed to suck you in.

Anniegetyourgun · 24/12/2012 09:42

Possibly a red herring here, but it does sound as if he drinks rather a lot and finds it difficult to pass a night without any. Wonder if this is in any way related to his moods.

I think on this occasion though the sulking is about not getting sex. Used to get this nonsense from XH ("we never do it" regardless of the facts etc). Like a toddler deprived of its dessert.

I am with Hecate (as all sensible people always are) on this one. He knew what had to change, but now he's back where he wants to be he's also back to WHO he wants to be. Which is not a very nice person.

schooldays · 24/12/2012 10:05

thanks guys.
i am so tired and fed up of being confused when it comes to him. some times i really feel like i love him and i feel passionate and happy in my marraige and other times (like now) i feel like i hate him. he repulses me. the happy medium never exists.
he still in bed - dont mind that at all if thats all it was becuase he is usually an early bird even after the couple of pints and would normally get up with kids at weekends - but i know for a fact that he will not apologise or try and make up for last night. he will just ask me am i not talking to him and prob tell me to stop sulking. i hate arguing in front of kids so will i just let it go??

OP posts:
Lueji · 24/12/2012 10:23

Tbh, I'd remind him that he's gone once and he'll go again if this is the person he wants to be.

TranceDaemon · 24/12/2012 11:37

I was in your exact situation several years ago. I left.

The first year was tough but so worth it. You have given him a final chance and he blew it. Now you know for sure that he won't change. Just get through Xmas then start planning.

Normal men don't do this you know.

I'm now 6 years down the line, have a new DH and DS and am very happy. I wish I had known how good life would be once I had got away.

One step at a time.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 24/12/2012 15:07

He won't change. Abusive men NEVER DO. The core of his thinking is that he is more important than you and he is entitled to bully and abuse you; you exist to serve him and you are not really a person in your own right.

The police, etc, will help you get him out again. They will not reproach you for having let him come back, because they will have seen it all before: a lot of abusive men are good at performing just enough boohooing about how sorry they are to get their feet back under the table before they restart the abuse.

izzyizin · 24/12/2012 21:09

You got shot of him once; you can do it again and it won't hurt for him to be reminded of that small fact whenever he channels his inner arse.

Seriously, life is far too short to spend it with an abusive man who will not only suck the joy out of your life but will also make your dc's lives a misery which may adversely impact on their future relationships with the opposite/same sex.

Do yourself and them a favour - make 2013 the year you break free of him for good.

schooldays · 27/12/2012 20:57

thanks for all the replies.
decided to put it out of my head for xmas eve - said to myself that he could sod off hes not going to ruin my xmas with my dc's. and i managed to enjoy xmas eve.
xmas day was stressful - had to go see his family - was nervous as his sis hates me (she told me so) because of what i 'did to him' when i had him removed from the house - hadnt seen her since so was dreading it. visit went ok in the end. then went to see my family for dinner and that was nice but it was like i couldnt fully be hapy or in the moment. so long story short drank too much vino and told him when we came home that he was f**king up our marraige again and begged him to stop. he just walked off on me as he always does and went to bed so i slept on the couch - just couldnt face another night of him arguing with me in the middle of the night. this of course played straight into his hands and yest first thing all i got was 'what have you to say for yourself' you owe me an apology etc - usual stuff. i went sales shopping for the morning couldn't stay listening to him. i sent him a long text while i was out apologizing for getting drunk but saying that i am tired of being in this cycle of him freaking me out and me reacting to that.
came home and he was in my family home so nothing was said and then later that evening he said he was going to the pub - cool as a cumcumber. i began to think maybe he never got the txt but when he came home after bout two hours he said he was sorry for calling me lazy. i said did you not get my txt - he did. i asked him why he wouldnt stay home and discuss the problems instead of going to pub. and he said he didnt want to talk about it in front of the dc;s (such bull - they were already in bed when he went out). i told him i dont buy a word of his lies anymore and i wont live like this.
so i told him that i wasnt prepared to keep pretending everything is fine but im not ready to make a decison about seperating yet. i said i will move into the spare room and we can continue to live together as parents/friends but thats it for now. he said thats fine. but said it sort of snidely IYKWIM. reason i have moved into spare room is that i feel i am in control of it that way. if he moved into it ( i know this from past experience) he would only go for a nite or two and be back in again.
so today as it xmas spent the day with my family - he was in great form very polite - even giving me compliments. then he felt sick and is in bed now. i could be paranoid i have noticed a pattern of whenever we hit a wall he gets ill, or hurts himself and then i look after him and then we get back on an even keel and then after a few weeks he will do something horrible again.

am so mad with myself for letting my guard down on xmas day - my family were slagging me yest about being tipsy (all good natured) and dh was looking at me enjoying my discomfort - like he knew something they didnt (ie how i slept on the couch and rowed with him). its so hard to describe the way he makes me feel paranoid. and i know i dont help myself by drinking but every now and again i just get so upset and feel so crap that the few glasses seem like an escape at the time. then he seems to think he has something over me

im sure only people who have been through this could understand
has anyone ever tried the sleeping in separate bedrooms and did it help at all????

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 28/12/2012 00:20

Sweetheart, you are fooling yourself.

The only thing that will help is for you to split, for good.

He will not change: he does not want to change.

Time to get a new, abuse-free life for yourself.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/12/2012 00:35

Separate houses would be even better.

Tortington · 28/12/2012 00:41

i think drink has a lot to answer for here by both parties.

Bluefrogs · 28/12/2012 07:53

Who is looking after your children when you are both drinking?
Who was looking after your children when you,dh and db were out drinking at 11.30pm?
Maybe he is a prick but your posts sound like the pair of you are drunk on a regular basis with young children to look after,that sounds like the real issue

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