I am being pathetic....

[m2boys]

I know I am. The usual, I'm a regular poster but have some friends from RL that look on here and I definitely can't risk them knowing this.
A brief background - when I was in my 20's I had a year long affair with a fantastic guy, but it came after the end of a turbulent relationship with another man and I was a bit messed up. So, this year-long relationship ended dramatically and painfully when the chap just decided he'd had enough and he cut me right off - no contact, no discussions, no reasons.
It was an incredibly painful and horrible time for me, as not only was I mourning the end of the relationship when I didn't want it to end, but all the pain from the other relationship (I was married) came to the front as well.
I was messed up for a good year, during which time I had private counselling to help me get over both relationships.
Anyway to try and cut a long story short, I did 'get over it', met DP and now have 2 lovely sons. We have our problems but have stuck together through some very low times and have now been together over 10 years.
I've just found out that the chap I had the year long relationship with is in business with a friend of ours, so I now know where he lives, what his email address is etc etc.
I absolutely don't want to rock the boat at home, and I don't know if I can explain this, but ever since I split up with him, I've always felt that it was unfinished business. I don't mean in that I want to ressurrect the relationship by any means, I just mean that despite all the counselling I had (over 6 months), I never really understood why this man finished with me and it's always bothered me to be honest.
The temptation to email him and just ask 'how ya doin?' type of thing is just so powerful. I haven't, but I want you to put me off.
Would it be really weird of me to do this? Would he think 'what the hell does she want' or would it be ok to say 'was talking to (mutual friend) the other day and I just wanted to say hi'????
I don't know what I want really, seeing his name on a website was just so strange, and I suppose it's brought back all sorts of memories of a good and very bad time.
Sorry this is so long, just wanted to get it all out!

don't do it

all it will result in, is boosting his ego that you still think about him, despite how badly he treated you, and leave you with a hundred other questions that he is unlikely to answer

Don't do it girl...

It is tempting...I understand your feelings, but it's not worth it! can you imagine him thinking are still wanting/thinking about him after all this time, even though your'e happily married???
(ultimate ego boost,even though you don't mean it to be)
he was an arse that much you do know.. don't let him back in your life for any reason.

I know it's hard when somethings on your mind, but keep your head up and kick these thoughts to the kerb!!goodluck babe

Don't go there.

Ok so ou migt find out but you might not like the answer, it's not going to be positive is it? No reflection on you at all but no one finished with people for nice reasons iykwim.

Leave history be and continue to work at your marriage which sounds really strong.

Don't phone him! Ever! Forget him and move on. To quote the title of the famous book 'He's Just Not That Into You'. Read it if you must. If he'd been that 'into you' he wouldn't have ended it all with no further contact. There is no unfinished business as far as he's concerned. Enjoy the new life you have.

" I never really understood why this man finished with me and it's always bothered me to be honest"

Hmmm ..... I do understand. I had a similar situation a few years ago, when a very short lived marriage abruptly ended without any explanation whatsoever. Of course, I went through all the ifs, buts and maybes, wondering what I'd done etc.

It took me a while but in the end I understood that I'd done nothing wrong and was guilty of nothing except having the misfortune to marry an arrogant, lying, cowardly tosser of a mummy's boy who conned a fair bit of money out of me by pretending to be in love and who ultimately used me and tossed me aside without a 2nd thought, and who didn't even have the moral courage to speak to me properly about it. I understand now that he probably couldn't discuss it with me because there was nothing he could say to justify his behaviour. I also strongly suspect (for various reasons) that his mutton dressed as lamb harpie of a mother threatened to change her will (as she didn't approve of me being a single mum) and the greedy, lily-livered bastard didn't think twice.

Undoubtedly, the guy who finished so suddenly with you will have done so for similar reasons; cowardice, fed up with you, no intention of developing anything worthwhile but happy to shag you and so on. The fact he didn't give you an explanation shows he is an immature, cruel and thoughtless git. That's all you really need to know.

If you contact him, it will possibly give him a "kick" that you're still actually "bothered" after all this time. If so, you'd be playing with fire, likely to get hurt again and likely to destroy your marriage and your sons' lives. Alternatively, you might write etc and never hear back at all .... you'd be no better off than you are now andpossibly worse, because you may feel hurt - again - that he's ignoring you ... that'd be pretty humiliating.

I agree with everything people have said, it would be lovely if you could get closure but unfortunately in this circumstance it is going to have to come solely from you!
The ex didn't provide reasons at the time and anything now would just be gratuitous.
If you genuinely are happy with your lot now be thankful that idiot ex did leave.. don't get back in touch for curiosities sake because I can almost guarantee it will get messier and messier,

If all else fails and you are still tempted try thinking about how you'd feel if you found out your DH was getting in touch with one of his Ex's (perhaps one that had treated him badly).

x

This is deffinatly a no go area! What if you e-mail him and he suggests "meeting up for old times sake"? This could quite easily get out of control, even thinking about e-mailing him and wanting to get in contact is not heathly I don't think!

Just make sure your DP knows whats going on and what you finally decide to do otherwise it will be a bit of a shock for him to find out you have been in contact with this old flame behind his back.

Thanks guys for your replies - have only just seen them as been away for the weekend .

What you all say makes total sense,I hadn't really looked at it from his perspective, in that it would give him a buzz that I was still thinking about him.

And tbh I do still think about him, probably once or twice a week, and have done for over 10 years. Is that odd??

As much as I love current dp, I think this old flame was the love of my life. Although it all ended badly, the relationship itself was fantastic, he was fantastic, and I was so happy. He sort of worshipped me, put me on a pedestal and treated me wonderfully, which is why the way that it ended has always confused me, it was so out of character for him.

I'm not going to contact him, thanks for your advice, I just suppose coming into contact with someone who speaks to him everyday when I haven't seen him for over 10 years, is very disconcerting .

I have got to try and finally get him out of my mind haven't I? Or is it normal to think of past partners even when you are with someone else?

Thanks.

don't do it, don't do it don't do it.

no good can come of it.

i did a similar thing a few years ago.contacted my first love through friendsreunited.
nothing happened but did spend inordinate amount of time thinking about him/checking for e-mails from him/daydreaming about the past etc.

and you know what? it felt shit. just really felt like i was doing the dirty on my dh who was still treating me nicely after all these years, and who hadn't broken my heart and treated me badly.I stopped e-mailing and told this guy it didn't feel right .
seriously nothng good can come of it.

alexsmum - thanks for that. Just curious, why did you contact your ex in the first place? Don't answer that if you don't want to, I found that just because I can contact ex, I suddenly felt this strong draw even though all my senses are screaming no!

i don't know.i really really don't know.
when we went out i was only 16 and he was 23 and he broke my heart and then we got back together and then he broke my heart again! and then i got off with his best friend( i was 16 forgive me!) and it was messy.
we kind of stayed in touch for a few years.he would turn up every now and then and tell me about his unhappy marriage and i would always listen and sympathise etc.he always thought he was very mature and wise and acted like he was my
mentor.
when i saw his name , part of me wanted to show him how adult i was now and that i had a great grown up life and part of me still thought about the pull between us that had kept us coming back to each other time and again.
i found out by contacting him that he wasn't mature and wise, he was a bit of an idiot..divorced twice( yet tried to give me
relationship advice).just hadn't really changed in all those years.
sorry to go on but i really think you should stay away.it's asking for trouble really.

I don't think it is unusual to think about your past, at all! I am absolutely besotted with my DP, we've just had our 1st DD and are engaged to be married BUT I still wonder what could have been!
When my first true BF and I broke up I practically became some sort of stalker, I read his e-mails for up to a year after we broke up...! Not sure why, even now.. I think I was just naturally curious to see how he was dealing without me! A small part of me wanted to know he still needed me/loved me, even tho' I didn't want/need him!

You say your X practically worshipped you, it would make sense as to why you wanted to see how he was fairing, but that's much more your own stuff! TBH I'd say just try to accept what happened, and enjoy reminiscing whilst safe in the knowledge you have something beautiful now!
HTH xxx