Ex wants to come for xmas

[KidderminsterKate]

We are separated due to his ongoing MH problems. He's relatively stable at the moment.....but I have tried to shield the kids from his issues but they've been hurt in the past.

He has asked if he can come and give me a hand on Xmas eve and day....I'm really not sure what to say.

If you're not sure, that probably means you want to say 'no'. There are lots of other days he can come visit. Keep Christmas relaxed, safe and special for your DCs.

I know......I feel very sorry for him and a part of me still loves him. but you're right he probably shouldn't come.

That is a hard one. But it sounds like he needs more time to prove he is stable and Safe for your children.

It's ok to say no and telling what you are happy for him to do over Christmas. Christmas is an unusually stressful time. And of he handles it well you can move forward a little more in the new year.

Hard to make an assessment based on the information you've given which is brief (which is fair enough). But it seems harsh to cut him out and not let him see the children at Christmas.

Has he been violent?

It's in yours and the children's interests longer term for him to get well.

What do you think the children would want to happen?

I'm thinking it might not help him all that much to be left out at Christmas. It's bad enough having MH problems without being punished for it.

But you have a right to a peaceful and enjoyable Christmas yourself and I don't know the history, so forgive me if what I've said isn't appropriate or relevant.

You don't want this, so say no.

YOu say you need to shield the children, so put that requirement before his desires.

I am struck by his dishonesty in saying he would come to "give you a hand" for Christmas, whereas it's patently obvious that he wants to come for his own benefit so that he's not alone, can play happy families and pretend there are no issues, etc.

Hang on, Christmas Eve and day? Would he be staying over? Please OP, only agree to what you're comfortable with.

Well done for shielding your dc ffom the worst and please continue to put them first because their future Christmases could always be tainted with unpleasant menories if his current relative stability proves to be fragile.

Perhaps he could visit for a couple of hours on the 27th or 28th?

As Aussiebean has said, the acid test may be how well he takes your decision to keep Christmas sacrosanct for the dc.