How can I (nicely) ask him to get off the internet without starting WW3?

[SneezyPanda]

I am at the end of my tether with this, but want to try to have a healthy conversation about it rather than ranting at him (which is very tempting!)

DH works nightshifts, week on, week off. We barely see him on the weeks he's working as it's long hours + long commute. He's home about an hour in the morning, which he spends eating and on the internet. Then after he's slept he's here for about half an hour - shower, eat, run out of the door. It's pretty tiring for both of us, we have 2 DCs, 3 & 1 so pretty hectic everyday for me, and obviously tiring job and commute for him.

His weeks off are getting quite bad now. The first few days he's (understandably) tired, quite grumpy and can't do much. I know he must be shattered so am sympathetic to him. However, he spends pretty much every possible minute on the internet. He will wake up with the kids and let me have a lie in while he sorts out their breakfast, then he'll be straight on the internet. He'll make them lunch, but straight back on the internet after that. I ask him to play with the kids while I cook dinner and yep, he'll be on the internet

This really got to me last week, as I had to listen to DC1 ask him 3 times if he could watch his Pingu DVD, every time my DH ignored him (of course, he was on the internet). DC1 ran over to me to ask me and I said loudly and pointedly "Try asking your father!" and he seemed to get the hint. Same week, I walked downstairs to see DC1 shove DC2, DC2 in tears, DH on the internet with his back to them (in a very small room, so no way he didn't hear/know) completely ignoring the whole thing. I walked over and turned off the modem as I was so sick of it. He must have noticed as he'd turned it back on after 30 mins or so, but he never said a word to me.

I've asked him to put the laptop away and play with the kids, but he never does. He'll change nappies, do their bathtime and bedtime, but I never see him just playing with them. They love him to bits but they've learnt not to bother engaging with him when he's on the laptop as they know they'll get no response. I think that is totally unacceptable, and my heart breaks for them.

I'm at a loss for how to breach this without sounding aggressive/nagging (though I think I'm within my rights to nag here!) as he will get upset, and start ignoring me. I'm not very well and don't want to have to cope with being left on my own with the kids again, while he has a sulk

When I've bought it up before, he says I'm just as bad. I'm not. I do use the laptop for the odd half hour if he's down here and I think he'll play with the kids, but then he just generally gets his guitar out/does housework and still doesn't play with them. I can't use the laptop when the kids are around as they pull my hands off it, slam it shut - also I don't want to as playing with them is fun, and I'm busy enough at home, there's no way I could sit on the internet all day even if I wanted to, but he seems to think this is what I do I've explained to him that I don't, and the kids wouldn't let me anyway, they only let him get away with it because they know he ignores them.

I'm so exhausted with this, as the week he's working they only talk to /rely on me, then the week he's here, they still ask me, follow me, want me (I'm happy with that as they're awesome, but it is exhausting, especially when I'm just seeing him on the laptop so much!) DC1 hasn't been sleeping very well and I'm shattered, which is making me a grumpy parent sometimes which I hate. On his week off he never takes the 2 out together (will sometimes take just one, but usually wants us all to go out together). If he's really tired I try to take both out so he can get some rest. I don't like going out to relax as I think they'll just get ignored while he's on the laptop. Same if I have a lie in/much needed nap.

Is there a calm, effective way to deal with this? I'm sure most people will feel like me and just want to rant and shove the bloody laptop up his bum, but I really want to try to deal with this rationally and not have it end up in a fight..

I have no advice but my dh also works very long hours. He's a lovely husband a d father when he wants to be but it really winds me up when he returns from work at 7-8 pm and goes straight and gets in the bath ( he's a mechanic do fair enough he's dirty) but he will soak for an hour or more on his iPad shopping for parts for his camper! By the time he gets out its ds bedtime!! I would love to tell him but like you, I'm worried I will look harsh as he's been at work for 13 hrs and just wants a soak in the bath! On the other hand, when do I ever get to lie in the bath for 2 hrs and he could be spending that time with ds.
Any tips for dealing with these annoying men would be greatly received.

You may be able to deal with it rationally and calmly, can he? "he will get upset, and start ignoring me".

You can only be responsible for your part of the discussion, not for his.

If you want to have the conversation then go in with a plan, points to be made and an exit strategy.
Don't be deflected by "you always nag me" or anything else (poor me I'm so tired/ill/stressed etc.), Try calmly and reasonably to make the points that you have made above. Offer a possible plan of action. Ask him to think about it and to tell you what he thinks before bedtime...or following am, or whatever you think is a reasonable amount of time. Finish the conversation and don't bring it up again until the appointed time.

If you are able to be rational and reasonable, to stay on message, to pretend this is a non-emotive subject and can detach then you will be able to assess his reaction from the moral high ground rather than beating yourself up about the fact that you baited him and lost it....

of course he still may get upset and ignore you...and then you will have to think about what you do with a passive aggressive response to a reasonable reasoned request.

best of luck op

fool I am going to write your 2nd sentence on my hand and repeat it throughout the day i think. Very true.

Love the idea about the plan, and finishing the conversation, I hope that's enough to stop it escalating into the usual fight. Detach, detach, detach has been my motto this last week and I'm finding things a lot easier to cope with.

And yes, you're right. If I phrase it calmly, and put in lots of positives about fun things we could do rather than lots of criticism, then I hope he won't over react. If he does, well that's his issue not mine I suppose

Thanks fool I know it probably sounds really obvious to you but I'm just finding it really tough to communicate with him atm, and those steps really help. Thank you!

Jakey Good luck to us! Let me know if you have any success (and come back and tell me how you did it!)

The answer is, you can't, because it's not you who will start the war.

What's he like as a DH generally? Are there any other issues?

Cailin That is a very good point (at least I hope it's not me! He probably takes everything I say as nagging and thinks I'm evil though eyeroll)

There are other issues, we have been fighting a lot lately hence feeling nervous about how to communicate. He's also struggling with homesickness, stress, exhaustion.. so I feel bad for putting anything else on his plate, but I also feel awful for the DCs being ignored like this. It can't be healthy for them, and I never ever want them to end up like me, trying to be cheerful/perfect etc to desperately try (and fail) to attract his attention.

You do sound tired and fed up OP, you have my sympathy.

I agree with other posters, you can only manage your reactions.

However, as for ideas as to how to put it to him..

Can you position it as being concerned about his relationship with them? I grew up with an emotionally distant/absent father and it has caused me (and my DBro) lots of self-esteem issues. Your DH might think that when they grow older he'll automatically have a great relationship with them, but those building blocks are being put in place now. They need attention, not just being in the same room as him etc. I remember my DF getting upset once that we never said goodnight to him, but I think that relflected how we felt about him.

There is also the issue of creating a household where everybody is just logged into their devices and never talks to each other. I am really aware of that. DH is in IT, so we have loads of laptops/pcs/tablets etc and DS 4 loves the computer. In fact his teacher said "He is very good at ICT"....humm what about writing and reading!! We can all control the "culture" of our home etc.

I'd then think about a practical plan. This might be treating your DH like a child, but sometimes this approach can help I find! Could you agree a plan like, he gets up and has 30 mins/an hour in the bedroom on the laptop and then comes downstairs for interaction time? This could also include some ground rules for when you use the laptop, which I am sure feels galling as your use is nothing compared to his, but I would suggest that downstairs you need to ask each other re use signalling to the other that they are "on duty" or something?

If you think he'll need convincing, you could always keep a diary of his interaction time with them etc. It could well be (like with your laptop use) he has a distorted view of what is going on.

Is there also a chance that he struggles to know how to play with the DC? I know they sadly don't come with a manual, and you, like I have learnt how to do it, but is there a way to help him "learn" if that is an issue? Could you all do a game together, or help him plan some games or a trip out? Or even go as far as coming up with a schedule which includes 30 mins of play with them. I just remember reading a few threads on here where parents said they struggled with playing with their kids and lots of wise MNtters suggested starting even with 5 mins a day. If he feels he is going to go downstairs and have to entertain them for 5 hours (which I know is what you do!) then he might not feel that up for it.

I think it comes down to communicating and agreeing a plan together. I do think you need some child-free time too, but maybe address the lack of interaction with them first? Try to sit him down and ask him if he is happy with family life/his relationship with the DC.

In a busy household it is difficult to find time to communicate properly, we only have 1 DC and don't always do well. We have found things like forced 'Family meetings' and family calendars with to-do lists and talking through them are vital if we are to be on the same page about things.

Not sure if any of this helps, but good luck.

What he doing on the internet?

My suggestion would be to try and set up a time when he can use the internet when the children are napping etc. As for teaching him to play get him to do something more physical with them, walk, cycle, swim...that way by being outside there is little chance of the internet calling him.

if thats not an option then ask him to play for a short period of time using playdough, read a book, play hide and seek. Again it will need to be structured, without him knowing it!

My STBXH rarely played with our children they simply coexisted in the same space, which he saw as play. I would say please be very careful about what his internet addiction consists of - thats how my STBXH became my STBXH!

Good luck